The Book Of X-Men I:i-viii
(The Even Newer Testament)

Part One:
GOD joins the X-Men

Salem Centre, Westchester: Home of the Uncanny X-men.

One particularly fine morning, there was a great and thunderous knock at the mansion's front door. They got great and thunderous knocks all the time, however, so no-one paid a great deal of attention.

"Ah'll get it!" Rogue called sunnily, and ran down to pull it open. "Oh my God..." she gasped as she laid eyes upon their visitor.

"YES." God (for indeed it was he) said agreeably. "THAT'S RIGHT."

"Wha -- how -- who -- Oh my God."

"YES." He said once again, his VOICE shaking the very foundations of the mansion. "YOU'VE GOT IT EXACTLY RIGHT, WELL DONE. I'VE COME TO JOIN THE X-MEN. NOT THAT I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR SAVING MY WORLD ALL THE TIME, BUT I'VE DECIDED I SHOULD DO A BIT OF MY OWN DIRTY WORK FOR ONCE. ONLY FAIR, DON'T YOU THINK?"

Rogue, not thinking quite straight, slammed the door in his face and ran.

"Rogue?" Scott asked, as she dived behind the sofa. "Who's at the door?"

"God."

"Rogue, don't waste time swearing, speak to me. Who's at the door? Is it an enemy? Is it--"

"No, you moron!" She stuck her head over the sofa, eyes wild. "It's God. You know -- GOD. Lord of all creation! Father of Jesus! God. You know? GOD." She crossed herself, and then stopped. "What am ah doing?" she said hysterically. "Ah ain't even catholic..."

"...Oh." Scott said very gently. "I see. Of course. That's fine." He backed away from her carefully.

>>Jean!<< he called urgently through the psionic rapport he shared with his wife. >>I think you'd better come quickly!<<

>>What's wrong?<<

>>It's Rogue. She's gone insane. She says God's at the door.<<

>>...God?<<

>>Yes. Apparently he just ... knocked.<< Jean took this in without blinking.

>>Try to keep her calm until I get there.<<

"Ah'm not crazy Cyke!" Rogue hissed at him, reading his expression if not his mind. "God is at the door! He says he wants to join the X-men and -- oh my G--" Rogue slapped her hand over her mouth, and looked around nervously. "I mean ... oh ... dear. I slammed the door in his--"

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" God said, coming into the room. (He'd blown the door down. Having watched the X-men for so long, he had come to believe this was their normal method of entering a building, and was trying to fit in.)

"Oh my God!" Scott leapt behind the sofa too.

"YES, THAT'S MY NAME. DON'T WEAR IT OUT."

"..."

"THAT WAS JUST A LITTLE DIVINE COMEDY THERE."

"..."

"AND THAT WAS A JOKE TOO. NOT BIG ON HUMOUR DOWN HERE, ARE YOU?"

"um ... God...?"

"YES?"

"That's really ... uh ... you ... is it?"

"YES. AS I TOLD EMILY THERE--"

"Emily?"

"That's mah real name." Rogue said in a very small voice.

"Oh. Really? We all thought it must be Wilma or something..."

"YES, WELL, AS I TOLD HER, I'VE COME TO JOIN THE X-MEN. WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"

"So ... we're not dead then?" Scott asked, just for clarification.

"NOT UNLESS YOU REALLY START TO ANNOY ME." God said. "AND FRANKLY, YOU'RE GETTING THERE."

Just then Jean came in.

"Oh my God!" she said, fairly predictably.

God rolled his divine eyes. "AH, PHOENIX." He said, not letting his impatience show (he was God, after all. His patience was infinite. More or less.) "NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. ENJOYING EARTH, ARE YOU?"

Jean just stared at him, swaying slightly. "Um." She managed after a while. "Sorry, what?"

"ME, GOD." He enunciated (fairly unnecessarily, given that he was using the VOICE, and they could hear him clearly in Brooklyn.) "LORD OF ALL CREATION, AS EMILY THERE PUT IT. YOU, PHOENIX. CELESTIAL AVATAR, AS YOU ALWAYS INSISTED ON CALLING YOURSELF. A BIT SHOWY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT." No one dared point out that the title "Lord Of All Creation" might, from certain points of view, also be seen as a tad showy. "I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, AND I KNOW EVERYTHING." God looked slightly put out. Everyone cringed.

"Uh..." Jean said politely. "I think you're getting me confused with someone else. You see, I'm not Phoenix. I'm Jean. There was this whole--"

"NO, NO, YOU'RE PHOENIX ALL RIGHT." God insisted. "I'D KNOW YOU ANYWHERE." Jean opened her mouth, but: "DON'T CONTRADICT ME, THERE'S A GOOD CELESTIAL AVATAR. I'M GOD. I DON'T TAKE WELL TO THAT SORT OF THING."

"Yes... so I've -- heard ... but -- Phoenix -- she wasn't me, she just--"

"I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONFUSION. AND IT'S -- WELL, I'D SAY IT WAS MY FAULT, BUT I'M PERFECT, SO OBVIOUSLY IT WASN'T. BUT, THERE WAS THIS LITTLE ... MIXUP ... IN THE AFTERLIFE." Insofar as the Lord Of All Creation is capable of looked embarrassed, he looked embarrassed. "YOU UNDERSTAND."

"Oh. I see." Jean/Phoenix said faintly. For indeed, when God said it, it all seemed to make perfect sense. "So, these recent ... urges I've been having to wear my old Phoenix costume..."

"GO RIGHT AHEAD. MUCH NICER THAN YOUR PRESENT ONE, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT. AND I HAVE PERFECT TASTE IN COSTUMES." He considered a moment, before adding, "AND IN EVERYTHING ELSE, OF-COURSE."

"Ah ... excuse me ... God?" Scott said. " I was wondering ... could we discuss your ... reason for being?" He heard his own words and went pale. er. "Here. Your reason for being HERE, is what I meant. If that's all right." It occured to Scott that he'd just interrupted God, but he had always believed in treating everyone equally, and anyone who turned up at the door and said they wanted to join the X-men ... was ... well ... allowed to, usually ...Scott decided that they really did need to review their membership policy, but that it would have to wait.

"OF COURSE." Was all God said, before taking a seat on the couch. Some men might have been made uncomfortable by the presence of God sitting on their living room couch. Scott Summers, it must be said, was definitely one of them. But he hid it well.

"So," he repeated, just for clarification, as he paced with forcibly measured strides across the living room, "you want to join the X-Men."

"YES."

"Um. Now I know you sort of explained this, but ... well ... why? I mean, you're God. Can't you just fix everything from Heaven, or something?"

God glanced down, admiring his brand new spandex costume. "THEN WHO WOULD GET TO SEE MY UNIFORM, HMM??"

Just then a voice broke in as someone came down the stairs. "Would someone mind telling me who's making so much damn noise?? Hell, forget that part ... just SHUT UP! There's a sick person in the house!"

God turned to look at the new arrival, perplexed. "I'M GOD," he said, as if that explained everything and made it all okay.

Cecilia stopped in the doorway, eyes going impossibly wide. "Dios," she breathed.

"YEAH, THAT TOO." God sat back, looking again at Scott. "NOW AS I WAS SAYING--"

"Now hold on just one minute here!" Cecilia interrupted, swallowing down the lump of fear and awe in her throat. "Just because you're God doesn't mean you have the right to interfere with a sick person's much-needed rest!" Jean, Scott and Rogue (still behind the sofa) just looked at her, thinking, and we'd just started to get to know her too. Oh well.

God turned very, very slowly, shocked beyond reason. God hadn't been chastised in, oh, millennia. "YOU DARE TO SPEAK THUS TO ME? I'M GOD. I'M ALL POWERFUL. I'M OMNIPOTENT."

Cecilia was not impressed. Well, actually she was impressed, what with it being God and everything, but she was in full 'Annoyed Doctor Reyes' mode, and she couldn't seem to turn it off. "Then you can use that omnipotence to know that someone in this house needs his sleep."

Just then Logan walked through, chewing on an unlit cigar. He slanted a disapproving look at Cecilia as he passed her. "No need to kick a man while he's down, darlin'." He stopped briefly in front of God with a nod. "Don't worry, bub. Happens to the best of us." Nodded once more at Scott, then walked on out of the room.

God, Scott, and Cecilia stared silently after the departing Canadian.

Phoenix the celestial avatar joined Rogue behind the sofa.

~on to part two...

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