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Stories by Dandelion

"Love Affairs Are Horrible"
Pete Wisdom and Remy LeBeau meet by chance at a bar in Casablanca and commiserate on their failed relationships.

After being knocked out of his hoverchair for the bajillionth time in a row by a baddie, Charles Xavier goes to Forge for some help.

"Tug o' War"
Heaven and Hell battle for the soul of Magneto in a game show-like setting hosted by Isis and Anubis.


Notes and Disclaimers: The inspiration for this piece came from the Southern Comfort mailing list. The discussion was the various speed ratings of characters as depicted on the X-men trading cards. While the topic revolved around Rogue (it is a mailing list devoted to her, after all) some other character ratings were bandied about for comparison. Professor Xavier received a 1. At that point I realized that Xavier's hoverchair really didn't seem to have a lot going for it. And thus, this little yarn.
Charles Xavier, Forge, the X-Men, Magneto, Juggernaut, Sabretooth, Wolverine, Rogue and Apocalypse do not belong to me. They belong to Marvel Entertainment. They are being used here without Marvel's permission. This is a not for profit venture. The Royal Wiakaloa does exist on the beaches of Hawaii and it is beautiful.

"And now," Magneto sent a wave of magnetic energy towards Charles, knocking his chair over. "Now is the end game between us, Charles."

"Guess again, Magneto!" ZARK! A beam of ruby quartz shot into the room.

The fight between Magneto and the X-men crashed through the wall of the study and worked its way onto the school grounds.

Charles lay on the floor looking at the ceiling. "This isn't working."

A week later...

"Thanks for coming, Forge."

"No problem, Charles. You say you need some work done on your hoverchair?"

Charles steepled his fingers. "Every time I'm faced with an adversary they knock my chair over. I fall out as naturally I would. At that point, I'm helpless. This hoverchair is supposed to improve my mobility but that only works when I'm in it."

"I see the problem."

"Yes. And, of course, this 'knock-the-chair-over' strategy is the first thing they try."

"Well, you go with what works," Forge replied matter-of-factly. "So, what are we talking here. An unspillable cup type of modification?"

"Unspillable cup?"

"Never mind," Forge stroked his moustache thoughtfully. "I've got a better idea."

Two hours later...

"I call it the Weeblo Function."

Charles adjusted himself in his chair. "It doesn't look any different."

"It isn't supposed to."

"The Weeblo Function, eh?" Charles looked skeptical. "How does it work?"

"See those handles?"


"Hold on to them," Forge turned to the X-man he had called to assist. "Rogue? Knock the chair over, would you?"

"If you say so, sugah."

Xavier grabbed onto the two handles nestled on each side of the seat as Rogue approached. With a casual swipe of her hand she knocked the hoverchair into a backwards arc that should have toppled Xavier right out.

The hoverchair flew backwards but instead of tipping over it wobbled steadily for several moments before coming to a stop. Still upright.

Xavier smiled.

Three weeks later...

"Rrrraaawrr!!" Sabretooth leaped towards Charles' hoverchair and gave it a sound kick. "I'm gonna savor this, Xavier!"

Charles grabbed onto the handles in his chair as it wobbled for a few seconds.

"What's this?" Sabretooth snarled in surprise, as Xavier did not tumble out of his chair as expected.

With a smirk of satisfaction, Charles turned the hoverchair towards the door. Hmmmmhmmmm and hovered slowly towards it.

With a growl, Sabretooth caught Charles before he'd gone two feet. "Never mind!" He sneered. "I've still got you!"

"Guess again, bub."

The battle between Logan and Sabretooth was as epic and bloody as always. Charles frowned at his chair. "This will not do."

A week later...

"You want it to go faster?" Forge looked askance at Charles.

"I can't outrun anybody right now. The Weeblo Function worked perfectly. But, I still need to be able to get away from anyone who is wishing me harm. Don't you think?"

Forge nodded slowly. "I see your point. All right. I'll start working on it."

Eight hours later...

"I call it the Concord Button."

"The Concord Button?" Charles examined the blue button critically.

"You press that button and you'll tear out of here," Forge looked particularly pleased. "And a steering column pops up so you have more control. And don't forget to put on your seat belt."

"Excellent," Charles nodded with a smile.

Five weeks later...

"Why won't this thing tip over?!" Juggernaut bellowed as he thumped the hoverchair again.

The hoverchair wobbled violently as Charles held on for dear life.

"Guess I'll just have to SQUASH ya, Charlie!" Juggernaut raised his foot.

"Guess again, Cain!" Charles pounded the blue Concord button with his fist. A steering mechanism popped out as Charles fastened a harness around him. VOOOOOOSH!!! The hoverchair roared to life and screamed out of the study.

Charles managed to steer the chair through the kitchen and the dining hall before coming back into the hall and found himself headed right towards Cain at an alarming speed. "HOLY MOTHER OF..."


Charles ricocheted off of Juggernaut, careened out the front windows in a beautiful arc and landed in the lake.

The X-men continued to battle Juggernaut as Charles unhooked his harness and massaged his neck. At least the Weeblo Function was still working.

A week later...

"You didn't like the Concord Button?"

Charles chose his words carefully. "I think it's more functional in an open environment. It's not really suitable within the mansion."

Forge sighed. "All right, I can understand that. Let me think about it."

"Do you think I could trouble you for something else, Forge?" Charles rubbed his neck. "One of those automated massage mechanisms?"

A chuckle escaped Forge. "Sure thing, Charles. That's no problem at all."

Two days later...

"It's called the Bamf Feature." Forge pointed to the red button underneath the Concord Button. "I think you'll like it. If you're stuck, just punch it and everything will work out."

"You're sure?"

"Trust me."

Two weeks later...

"And now, Charles Xavier," Apocalypse thundered. "Your time has come! You shall not survive my wrath!"

"Wrong again," Charles shouted defiantly punching the red button.

For a moment nothing happened.

Vrm vrm vrm vrm.... Charles and his hoverchair disappeared in motes of twinkling lights.

The sound of waves was the first thing Charles was able to pinpoint through the haze of Forge's new modification. As his surroundings solidified, Charles found himself on a tropical beach. The console of his hoverchair opened with a snap and he discovered sunglasses, a bottle of suntan lotion, and a postcard.

"Welcome to the Royal Wiakaloa..." was imprinted on the picture of sand and sea. On the back of the postcard in Forge's handwriting was a note. "Wish I was there. Try the Mai-tai."

Charles flagged down a waiter and placed his order. Then he put the sunglasses on and settled back in his chair with a smile. "Perfect."




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