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Stories by Frito

"The X-Men on 'Space Ghost Coast to Coast'"
Zorak decides he wants to attend the Xavier Institute for Higher Education.


Disclaimer: Yeah, we ALL know, The X-men, etc, etc are owned by Marvel, Space Ghost and crew are owned by either Hanna-Barbera, Cartoon Network, Paramount, or maybe the evil super villain, Ted Turner; I'm not sure. All celebrity voices are imagined. Any resemblance to real or imagined characters is your fault.
OK, I was up waaaaay too late, had a little too much instant ice tea, and happened to watch the new episode of SGCTC. Call me crazy, but I got inspired.
Anyway, on with the show... (Btw, the whooshes, if you watch SCGTG, someone says whoosh when Space Ghost takes off, its the word, NOT a sound effect. (I know, its silly, but it's the truth)
This is set during 4th season Space Ghost, cause I like the sound effects. Except for that thing about Dr.Nightmare being Ted Turner's son. I like that part. (Yes, I know, I have NO life.)
Artistic Acknowledgments: I'd like to thank my husband for tirelessly impersonating Zorak, Moltar and Space Ghost while I got these lines right.

The X-Men on Space Ghost Coast to Coast
by Frito Muncher


Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar are sitting in the cafeteria drinking coffee, Space Ghost is chattering, Moltar is nodding off, and Zorak is partially hidden behind a large brochure, with the words "Xaiver's School for Gifted Youth" printed on it.

Space Ghost: So, do you think I should get the real lambskin seat covers, or the bead woven seat covers for the Phantom Cruiser?

Moltar: Whatever.

Space Ghost: The vinyl seats just get so hot when they're exposed to stellar radiation, and I'm just not sure if I should go with the fleece, or the wood.

Moltar: Uh-huh

Space Ghost: Zorak! Are you listening to me?

Zorak: What? Uh, I like the orange one. Yeah, the orange one.

Space Ghost: Zorak! What are you doing?!?

Zorak: I'm applying to a special school. I'm a MUTANT. (blink blink)

Space Ghost: You can't go there, Zorak.

Zorak: Why not?

Space Ghost: First of all, you're not even a mutant, and, you're a super villain.

Zorak: I am so a mutant! And, I'm reformed. (blink blink)

Space Ghost looks skeptical.

Space Ghost: Really?

Zorak looks over, and we see a technician holding a cue card.

Zorak: (in a flat voice) Yeah, uh, I have seen the error of my ways. Mutants and humans can live in peace and brotherhood. No more shall I...

(BWAAAP) Space Ghost blasts Zorak.

Switch to Moltar in the control room, red phone light flashes, Professor Xaiver appears on the screen.

Xaiver: I'm trying to reach a Zorak Mantis, may I speak with him?

Moltar: Hold on.

Moltar pulls a lever, and we see the set, with Space Ghost sitting at his desk, flipping through blue cards.

Moltar: There's some guy on the phone for Zorak

Space Ghost: Zorak, phone for you!

Switch over to Zorak's pod, where Zorak is sitting, wearing a long white wig.

Zorak: Who's Zorak? I'm Zoseph! (blink blink)

Space Ghost: Zorak, take that silly thing off!

Zorak: I'm telling you, I'm Zoseph!

Moltar: Um, whatever.

Screen by Space Ghost's desk drops, Xaiver appears on screen

Xaiver: Greetings Zorak, I got your message inquiring about enrollment in our school.

Zorak: Zorak isn't around anymore.

Space Ghost: Zorak, cut that out!

Xaiver: What happened?

Zorak: Space Ghost killed him! (blink blink)

Switch to Space Ghost's desk, and Xaiver. There's an uncomfortable moment of silence. Space Ghost looks sheepish in a clueless sort of way.

Xaiver: (glares at Space Ghost) Is this true?

Space Ghost: Of course not! Well, uh, kinda.

Xaiver: I'll scan your mind to get the truth.

Xaiver puts his hands to his temples and concentrates. White rings emanate from Professor X's forehead towards Space Ghost. Xaiver looks puzzled, concentrates some MORE. The rings get brighter and faster. Space Ghost has blank, confused look, takes sip of coffee, fiddles with cards, Zorak blinks. {{blink blink}}

Xaiver: Your mental shields must be incredibly strong. I can sense nothing except your most shallow thoughts.

Moltar: That's because all he has are shallow thoughts.

Space Ghost: Knock it off Moltar, or I'll tell Zorak who set him up on the blind date with Brak's sister!

Moltar: Whatever.

Zorak: I told you! Zorak isn't here anymore! However... I still feel that I should be offended in some way.

Close up on Space Ghost's face. Space Ghost smiles.

Space Ghost: (thinking, if you can call it that) My uniform looks mighty spiffy! I wonder if they'll serve cheesesteak subs in the cafeteria today? I hope there's still time to get to the store to take advantage of the half-off sale on Turtle Wax!

Close up on Xaiver, who seems startled out of his state of concentration.

Xaiver: Um, I just remembered, I forgot to buy something. Good luck Zoseph!

Xaiver statics out.

Space Ghost: Excuse me, I'm going to use the little ghost's room.

Space Ghost whooshes out. {{whoosh}}

Show the prison pod, Zorak in wig, moving too fast to be clearly seen, bounces out of the pod. ({boing})

Show Moltar looking at Zorak's empty pod.

Show pod again, Zorak bounces in with a cup of steaming cappuccino in his hand. {{(boing)}

Show Moltar looking at Zorak in his pod, confused.

Moltar: Where'd you go?

Zorak: Down to the Starbucks to get a cappuccino.

Moltar: That was fast. Those things pop up like mushrooms. Have you had enough of this Zoseph gag yet?

Zorak: Zoseph?? {{blink blink}}

Moltar: Um, nevermind.

:::interrupt transmission:::

Cut to commercial for Dr. Nightmare, Attorney at Law. Features testimonial by Brak discussing his head injury.

::::begin transmission::::

-1- 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 0


Space Ghost Coast to Coast Opening theme. Announcer says "Tonight on Space Ghost Coast To Coast, its Superhero night! Featuring, comic book creator Stan Lee. Also appearing, Marvel's mutant heroes, The Uncanny X-men, and their founder, mutant rights leader, Professor Charles Xaiver!"

::::cue-opening music::::

Space Ghost whooshes in {{whoosh}}

Space Ghost: Greetings, citizens, I am Space Ghost! We have one humdinger of a show tonight. Joining me, graphic novelist, Stan Lee. Also on the show this evening, the Uncanny X-men! Whaat! Uncanny X-men!? Isn't there something in my contract about a conflict of interest?

Zorak: Well, It might help if you were interesting.

Space Ghost goes to blast Zorak, Zorak blinks, twice. {{blink blink}} Space Ghost does a double take, looks exasperated, puffs and invisos to his desk.

Show Moltar, who is chatting with Stan Lee.

Moltar: So, Jubilee's NOT your daughter?

Stan Lee: More like a third cousin, twice removed.

Moltar: Do you know where I can pick up some of those Sentinel robots?

Show the set, the screen drops, Stan Lee statics in.

Space Ghost: Greetings Citizen Stanley! Are you getting enough oxygen?

Stan Lee: Greetings vigilant protector! We did have some trouble with Dr. Doom a while back trying to disintegrate the earth's atmosphere, but it never made it past scripting.

Space Ghost: Did you get to use your super-powers to stop him?

Stan Lee: Well..

Space Ghost: I have super powers! I can do this. (invisos) (comes back) and I can zap people. (goes to zap Zorak, Zorak blinks, {{blink blink}} Space Ghost looks vacantly puzzled, sits back down, and just starts talking to Stan Lee)

Space Ghost: So, where were we Stanley...

Stan Lee: Just Stan is fine.

Space Ghost: Oh yeah, tell us about your super powers.

Stan Lee: I have the ability to perceive and assimilate the thoughts of my loyal fans, and manifest them in future reality, and I can ignore plot contradictions and causal paradox at will.

Show Space Ghost's hands, with dictionary turned to assimilate, we clearly see "assimilate: verb: 1. to take ownership 2. to assume control 3. to incorporate into one's self so as to make an items origins indistinguishable"

Space Ghost: Ah, Ah, Sih, AhSih Mah, AhSihMah Lay..

Show the desk, Space Ghost slams shuts a book.

Space Ghost: A-hmm, so, Stanley, tell us about your alter ego.

Stan Lee: Well, as the head of a multi-million dollar publishing company I use the money from my investments to finance the development of my Fabulous Armani-ite Power Suit.

Space Ghost: Armani-ite? Is that a super strong alloy?

Stan Lee: No, actually it's quite fragile.

Space Ghost: Well, does it reflect death-ray beams?

Stan Lee: My dry-cleaning bill would be much smaller if it did.

Space Ghost: Does it imbibe the wearer with any special powers?

Stan Lee: Not exactly.

Space Ghost: Well what good is it then??!!?!

Stan Lee: It makes me look impressive.

Space Ghost: It must be something like spandex. My suit is made of spandex, and I look impressive!

Moltar: Yeah, if you're a hair-covered hyperactive pet sidekick.

Show Blip, chattering loudly in protest and shaking his head!

Show Brak, standing in front of the curtain.

Brak: I think Space Ghost looks mighty impressionistic.

Briefly show a Picasso style Space Ghost.

Show the set.

Space Ghost: Say Stanley, did I ever tell you about the time I fought the evil Waxomanites and saved the universe from their evil tyranny?

Stan Lee's watch starts beeping, he looks at it, and looks shocked, but somehow relieved.

Stan Lee: Sorry Space Ghost, Larry Hama's got the Gen-X kids caught in a horrible retcon black hole, till next time, loyal interviewer!

Stan Lee stands up, and whooshes away. {{whoosh}}

Space Ghost: Now there's a super-hero!

Show Moltar, who is talking to Cyclops.

Moltar: I'm thinking of enhancing my latent powers, how's the tuition at your school?

Cyclops: Most of us pay in angst-marks.

Moltar: You seem pretty well to do, aren't those hard to come by?

Cyclops: You've got to be kidding! (takes a deeeeep breath) First, I can't control my powers, and have to wear this thing. (pointing to visor) Then, I fall in love in Jean, she dies, comes back, gets merged with a celestial avatar, and dies again. I marry another girl, and we have a kid. Jean comes back again, and I find out that the person I thought was Jean was really just the avatar pretending to be Jean, my kid gets a techno-organic virus and gets sent to the future. my wife goes insane, and dies. I marry Jean, we get sent to the future to raise my kid, and later he comes back, as a mercenary, and he's older than I am! Then, we find out that a teammate could be our kid from the future, or maybe from an alternate universe, then, this other kid who claims to be my genetic offspring from another alternate universe shows up. My teacher and mentor goes insane and gets arrested. We get captured by some cyborg lunatic bent on destroying us all, I nearly have a bomb go off in my stomach, my brother in insane, or dead, my father is a space pirate, and worst off all, most of that is interest on the original loan!

Moltar: Um, right.

Moltar pulls levers and switches, and Cyclops statics out.

Show the set, screen lowers to show a number of X-men in partial costume sitting around a living room.

From left to right, we see:
Gambit, in ripped jeans, a "co-ed naked superheroing T-shirt" with the slogan "Rising up to save the world," and his black headpiece, sitting in a chair, with Rogue in his lap, who is dressed in a turtleneck, jeans, and gloves.
Tending to a plant between the chair and a sofa is Storm, dressed in her white uniform.
In the middle of a large, comfy looking sofa, is Cyclops in his visor, jeans and a T-shirt. Sitting next to him, on his left, holding his hand is Jean Grey, in her blue head-piece, and pants and blouse.
Next to them, sitting upside down with his feet hanging over the back of the sofa is Iceman, in his iceform, wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
On the right of the sofa, slouched in a large leather recliner is Wolverine, dressed only in a pair of tiger-striped boxer shorts and his yellow and black mask/hood, clutching a beer in one hand, and a cigar in another, with one leg kicked over the arm rest.
Between Wolverine and Iceman is a tall pole lamp. Perched on top, in the traditional thinker's pose, is Beast, clad in a pair of black biking shorts.
Finally, sitting on the floor in front of the sofa is Jubilee in a long T-shirt style nightgown, wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and holding a small teddy bear.

Space Ghost: Greetings mutant marvels! Is everyone getting enough oxygen?

The X-men look at each other in confusion.

Space Ghost: It says here on my blue card, that you have a movie coming out. Why don't you tell me about it?

The X-Men look around at each other, each hoping another will answer the question.

IceMan: They stopped production on our television series because it was taking up too much of our time, but we haven't completed production of the movie yet!

Space Ghost: Ok..

Show Zorak, waxing his arm.

Zorak: Oooh! Ooooh! I have a question for Jean.

Jean: Yes Zorak?

Zorak: Will you go out with me?

Jean: I'd love to Zorak, but I'm married.

Zorak: But there's so many of you, and only one of him. (pointing to Cyclops)

Show X-men, Jubilee gets up, and leaves, returns without bear and slippers, in a short baby doll nightgown.

Show Space Ghost, flipping through cards, and tossing them into a waste paper basket. Finally, he throws the entire stack into the trash.

Space Ghost: Rogue, you don't look well, are you getting enough oxygen?

Rogue: Ah'm fine, its just too hot in here with all these people.

Space Ghost: Maybe its because you're wearing too much clothing.

Space Ghost winks.

Show X-men. Jubilee gets up, looks around self-consciously and leaves the room.

Rogue: Space Ghost, I have to wear these clothes, if I don't, I could cause the ones I love mortal harm!

Show Zorak, looking as sad as an evil mantis can look.

Zorak: I understand how you feel Rogue, women in my species always kill their mates.

Jubilee returns in cut off short-shorts, and a midriff T-shirt

Iceman falls over and sits right side up on the sofa.

Iceman: Uh, Storm, um, why are you still in your uniform?

Storm: I like how it feels, and I think it makes me look attractive. You think it makes me look attractive, don't you?

Iceman blushes, stammers, starts to look a little melted.

Space Ghost: My uniform is very attractive.

Zorak: Shut up, Tad! Storm, I think it looks very attractive, we should get to know each other better, I could protect your, er., garden... from pests, like him, yea! (pointing to Space Ghost)

Space Ghost gives Zorak an agitated sidelong glance.

Show X-men. Jubilee stands, up, very agitated.

Jubilee: What does a girl gotta do to to be appreciated around here? Because of Miss Unobtainable over there (pointing to Rogue), hardly anyone ever notices me! What do I have to do?! Sit here naked to get one of you to pay attention to me??!

The X-men all look at Jubilee with shocked expressions, except for Beast, who rubs his chin thoughtfully and give a subtle nod of affirmation.

Show Zorak who blinks, twice. {{blink blink}}

Show Space Ghost who looks uncomfortable.

Back to Zorak, holding his Xaiver's brochure.

Zorak: I wanna be an X-man!

Space Ghost: You knock that off Zorak, or I'll blast you!

Moltar: Here we go again.

Show X-men. Cyclops looks irritated at Space Ghost.

Cyclops: Actually Space Ghost; Magneto, and several other former villains have reformed and joined the X-men from time to time. Zorak can join if he wants to.

Jean: So Zorak, tell us, why do you want to be an X-man?

Show Zorak, with the usually random poster replaced with a conspicuous poster of Rogue behind him.

Zorak: Mostly I like to blow things up, but the obligatory unfulfilling relationship with Rogue is a plus!

Show X-men, everyone looks uncomfortable, especially Gambit.

Wolverine: That's as good of as a reason as any, bub.

Everyone stares at Wolverine.

Gambit: I'll fry you into a fricassee your oversized crawdad!

Zorak: Just like an amphibian not to know to the difference between an arthropod and a crustacean.

Show the X-men, who look like they don't get it.

Beast: Such racist thoughts are disappointing and inappropriate for a potential X-man.

Zorak: Aw, I don't wanna join your stupid club anyway!

Show Cyclops, who looks pissed.

Cyclops: A magnifying glass the size of a building would be too good a fate for the likes of you!

Gambit: If wasn't on the other side of this screen, I would tear you apart, little green man!

Show Zorak, who gives Gambit a Bronx cheer.

Show X-men, starting to look very angry. Jean puts her hand to her temple. {{boing}}

Show Zorak upside-down in his pod with his legs kicking.

Space Ghost: You can't talk that way about MY useless sidekick! You bunch of panty-waisted super couch potatoes wouldn't stand a chance against my power bands!!

Show Moltar, watching the scene from his video monitor.

Show X-men on Moltar's screen. Wolverine draws his claws {{Snickt!}}

Wolverine: Yeah?

Space Ghost: YEAH!

Moltar: I've seen just about enough of this.

Moltar pulls levers, channels flip wildly, red phone light flashes, Magneto appears on the screen, decked in his tradional purple and red costume, with helmet.

Moltar: Hello Magneto, that's a nice helmet!

Magneto: Really Moltar? I'm glad you like it. Yours is pretty fetching too.

Moltar: These guys are giving me a headache. We should go out for coffee.

Show the set, Space Ghost and Zorak and the X-Men are yelling at each other, loudly enough that its too much to understand.

Show the X-men in a close-up. Professor Xavier walks (Yes, walks) across screen behind the sofa, dressed only in a towel.

Xaiver: Oh, hi everybody!

X-men (in unison): Hi, Professor!

As the Professor leaves, the Lights reflect in a gleaming array from the his head, and some X-men shield their eyes.

Show Zorak, who blinks. {{blink blink}}

Show X-men, who stare menacingly at Zorak.

Show Zorak, who blinks. {{blink blink}}

Show X-men, who all blink. In unison. {{blink blink}} (That's a loud blink!)

Show Zorak, who stares.

Dramatic fight music starts, and with a boing, Zoseph pops in {{boing}}

Zorak on the right, facing left, and Zoseph, on the left, facing right, look nearly identical, except that Zoseph has long white hair.

Zorak blinks. {{blink blink}}

Zoseph blinks. {{blink blink}}

Zorak blinks. {{blink blink}}

Zoseph blinks. {{blink blink}}

Zorak blinks. {{blink blink}}

Zoseph blinks. {{blink blink}}

Show Space Ghost, who looks completely confused.

Zorak: Who the heck are you?

Zoseph: I'm Zoseph, the genetic offspring of your identical clone from another dimension!

Zorak: I'm Zorak, I'm a super villain!

Zoseph: Yes, I've come to save you from your evil ways.

Zorak: You're stupid.

Space Ghost: (thinking to himself)Who is this guy? He looks so familiar, yet, he's so annoying

Space Ghost: (out loud, pompously). I don't like you Mister Zoseph. If you don't shut up, I am going to blast you!

Zoseph: Zorak, its very important. The very fate of the universe depends on this. Just look at what you've done here today!

Show Space Ghost, aiming his armbands to zap Zoseph.

Zorak: No, Wait!

Zorak looks around at everyone.

Zorak: uh.. oh, go ahead and blast him!

Space Ghost blasts Zoseph, leaving a pungent heap of smoldering ash.

Show the X-men, all holding their noses and waving their hands in front of their faces.

Show Brak, standing in front of the curtain.

Brak: Hey, somebody pootied!

Zorak: Nobody pootied. Space Ghost killed my clone's son from an alternate universe.

Brak: Whatever it is, it sure does stink!

Space Ghost: Moltar, get me a janitor up here right now!

Show Space Ghost waiting, tapping his fingers against the desk.

Show the outside of the Starbucks on Ghost Planet.

Space Ghost: Moltar!! I said, get me a janitor up here!

Show Moltar and Magneto inside. Magneto is sipping at his coffee, Moltar is stirring his.

Magneto: Really, I think its because I was just so embarrassed. I mean, I was the only kid in our entire family who didn't have curly hair. But now, its kind of grown on me.

Show Space Ghost, looking very perturbed

Space Ghost: MOLTAR!!!!!

Show Moltar's cave, where the Sentinel robot who is manning the console pulls a lever

::: end transmission :::



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