Disclaimer: Yeah, we ALL know,
The X-men, etc, etc are owned by Marvel, Space Ghost and crew
are owned by either Hanna-Barbera, Cartoon Network, Paramount,
or maybe the evil super villain, Ted Turner; I'm not sure.
All celebrity voices are imagined. Any resemblance to real
or imagined characters is your fault.
OK, I was up waaaaay too late, had a little too much instant
ice tea, and happened to watch the new episode of SGCTC. Call
me crazy, but I got inspired.
Anyway, on with the show... (Btw, the whooshes, if you watch
SCGTG,
someone says whoosh when Space Ghost takes off, its the word,
NOT a sound effect. (I know, its silly, but it's the truth)
This is set during 4th season Space Ghost, cause I like the
sound effects. Except for that thing about Dr.Nightmare being
Ted Turner's son. I like that part. (Yes, I know, I have NO
life.)
Artistic Acknowledgments: I'd like to thank my husband
for tirelessly impersonating Zorak, Moltar and Space Ghost
while I got these lines right.

by Frito Muncher
Waiting
Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar are sitting in the cafeteria
drinking coffee, Space Ghost is chattering, Moltar is nodding
off, and Zorak is partially hidden behind a large brochure,
with the words "Xaiver's School for Gifted Youth" printed
on it.
Space Ghost: So, do you think I should get the real
lambskin seat covers, or the bead woven seat covers for the
Phantom Cruiser?
Moltar: Whatever.
Space Ghost: The vinyl seats just get so hot when
they're exposed to stellar radiation, and I'm just not sure
if I should go with the fleece, or the wood.
Moltar: Uh-huh
Space Ghost: Zorak! Are you listening to me?
Zorak: What? Uh, I like the orange one. Yeah, the
orange one.
Space Ghost: Zorak! What are you doing?!?
Zorak: I'm applying to a special school. I'm a MUTANT.
(blink blink)
Space Ghost: You can't go there, Zorak.
Zorak: Why not?
Space Ghost: First of all, you're not even a mutant,
and, you're a super villain.
Zorak: I am so a mutant! And, I'm reformed. (blink
blink)
Space Ghost looks skeptical.
Space Ghost: Really?
Zorak looks over, and we see a technician holding a cue
card.
Zorak: (in a flat voice) Yeah, uh, I have seen
the error of my ways. Mutants and humans can live in peace
and brotherhood. No more shall I...
(BWAAAP) Space Ghost blasts Zorak.
Switch to Moltar in the control room, red phone light
flashes, Professor Xaiver appears on the screen.
Xaiver: I'm trying to reach a Zorak Mantis, may I
speak with him?
Moltar: Hold on.
Moltar pulls a lever, and we see the set, with Space Ghost
sitting at his desk, flipping through blue cards.
Moltar: There's some guy on the phone for Zorak
Space Ghost: Zorak, phone for you!
Switch over to Zorak's pod, where Zorak is sitting, wearing
a long white wig.
Zorak: Who's Zorak? I'm Zoseph! (blink blink)
Space Ghost: Zorak, take that silly thing off!
Zorak: I'm telling you, I'm Zoseph!
Moltar: Um, whatever.
Screen by Space Ghost's desk drops, Xaiver appears on
screen
Xaiver: Greetings Zorak, I got your message inquiring
about enrollment in our school.
Zorak: Zorak isn't around anymore.
Space Ghost: Zorak, cut that out!
Xaiver: What happened?
Zorak: Space Ghost killed him! (blink blink)
Switch to Space Ghost's desk, and Xaiver. There's an uncomfortable
moment of silence. Space Ghost looks sheepish in a clueless
sort of way.
Xaiver: (glares at Space Ghost) Is this true?
Space Ghost: Of course not! Well, uh, kinda.
Xaiver: I'll scan your mind to get the truth.
Xaiver puts his hands to his temples and concentrates.
White rings emanate from Professor X's forehead towards Space
Ghost. Xaiver looks puzzled, concentrates some MORE.
The rings get brighter and faster. Space Ghost has blank,
confused look, takes sip of coffee, fiddles with cards, Zorak
blinks. {{blink blink}}
Xaiver: Your mental shields must be incredibly strong.
I can sense nothing except your most shallow thoughts.
Moltar: That's because all he has are shallow thoughts.
Space Ghost: Knock it off Moltar, or I'll tell Zorak
who set him up on the blind date with Brak's sister!
Moltar: Whatever.
Zorak: I told you! Zorak isn't here anymore! However...
I still feel that I should be offended in some way.
Close up on Space Ghost's face. Space Ghost smiles.
Space Ghost: (thinking, if you can call it that)
My uniform looks mighty spiffy! I wonder if they'll serve
cheesesteak subs in the cafeteria today? I hope there's still
time to get to the store to take advantage of the half-off
sale on Turtle Wax!
Close up on Xaiver, who seems startled out of his state
of concentration.
Xaiver: Um, I just remembered, I forgot to buy something.
Good luck Zoseph!
Xaiver statics out.
Space Ghost: Excuse me, I'm going to use the little
ghost's room.
Space Ghost whooshes out. {{whoosh}}
Show the prison pod, Zorak in wig, moving too fast to
be clearly seen, bounces out of the pod. ({boing})
Show Moltar looking at Zorak's empty pod.
Show pod again, Zorak bounces in with a cup of steaming
cappuccino in his hand. {{(boing)}
Show Moltar looking at Zorak in his pod, confused.
Moltar: Where'd you go?
Zorak: Down to the Starbucks to get a cappuccino.
Moltar: That was fast. Those things pop up like mushrooms.
Have you had enough of this Zoseph gag yet?
Zorak: Zoseph?? {{blink blink}}
Moltar: Um, nevermind.
:::interrupt transmission:::
Cut to commercial for Dr. Nightmare, Attorney at Law.
Features testimonial by Brak discussing his head injury.
::::begin transmission::::
-1- 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 0
616
Space Ghost Coast to Coast Opening theme. Announcer says
"Tonight on Space Ghost Coast To Coast, its Superhero
night! Featuring, comic book creator Stan Lee. Also appearing,
Marvel's mutant heroes, The Uncanny X-men, and their founder,
mutant rights leader, Professor Charles Xaiver!"
::::cue-opening music::::
Space Ghost whooshes in {{whoosh}}
Space Ghost: Greetings, citizens, I am Space Ghost!
We have one humdinger of a show tonight. Joining me, graphic
novelist, Stan Lee. Also on the show this evening, the Uncanny
X-men! Whaat! Uncanny X-men!? Isn't there something in my
contract about a conflict of interest?
Zorak: Well, It might help if you were interesting.
Space Ghost goes to blast Zorak, Zorak blinks, twice.
{{blink blink}} Space Ghost does a double take, looks
exasperated, puffs and invisos to his desk.
Show Moltar, who is chatting with Stan Lee.
Moltar: So, Jubilee's NOT your daughter?
Stan Lee: More like a third cousin, twice removed.
Moltar: Do you know where I can pick up some of those
Sentinel robots?
Show the set, the screen drops, Stan Lee statics in.
Space Ghost: Greetings Citizen Stanley! Are you getting
enough oxygen?
Stan Lee: Greetings vigilant protector! We did have
some trouble with Dr. Doom a while back trying to disintegrate
the earth's atmosphere, but it never made it past scripting.
Space Ghost: Did you get to use your super-powers
to stop him?
Stan Lee: Well..
Space Ghost: I have super powers! I can do this. (invisos)
(comes back) and I can zap people. (goes to zap
Zorak, Zorak blinks, {{blink blink}} Space Ghost looks
vacantly puzzled, sits back down, and just starts talking
to Stan Lee)
Space Ghost: So, where were we Stanley...
Stan Lee: Just Stan is fine.
Space Ghost: Oh yeah, tell us about your super powers.
Stan Lee: I have the ability to perceive and assimilate
the thoughts of my loyal fans, and manifest them in future
reality, and I can ignore plot contradictions and causal paradox
at will.
Show Space Ghost's hands, with dictionary turned to assimilate,
we clearly see "assimilate: verb: 1. to take ownership
2. to assume control 3. to incorporate into one's self so
as to make an items origins indistinguishable"
Space Ghost: Ah, Ah, Sih, AhSih Mah, AhSihMah Lay..
Show the desk, Space Ghost slams shuts a book.
Space Ghost: A-hmm, so, Stanley, tell us about your
alter ego.
Stan Lee: Well, as the head of a multi-million dollar
publishing company I use the money from my investments to
finance the development of my Fabulous Armani-ite Power Suit.
Space Ghost: Armani-ite? Is that a super strong alloy?
Stan Lee: No, actually it's quite fragile.
Space Ghost: Well, does it reflect death-ray beams?
Stan Lee: My dry-cleaning bill would be much smaller
if it did.
Space Ghost: Does it imbibe the wearer with any special
powers?
Stan Lee: Not exactly.
Space Ghost: Well what good is it then??!!?!
Stan Lee: It makes me look impressive.
Space Ghost: It must be something like spandex. My
suit is made of spandex, and I look impressive!
Moltar: Yeah, if you're a hair-covered hyperactive
pet sidekick.
Show Blip, chattering loudly in protest and shaking his
head!
Show Brak, standing in front of the curtain.
Brak: I think Space Ghost looks mighty impressionistic.
Briefly show a Picasso style Space Ghost.
Show the set.
Space Ghost: Say Stanley, did I ever tell you about
the time I fought the evil Waxomanites and saved the universe
from their evil tyranny?
Stan Lee's watch starts beeping, he looks at it, and looks
shocked, but somehow relieved.
Stan Lee: Sorry Space Ghost, Larry Hama's got the
Gen-X kids caught in a horrible retcon black hole, till next
time, loyal interviewer!
Stan Lee stands up, and whooshes away. {{whoosh}}
Space Ghost: Now there's a super-hero!
Show Moltar, who is talking to Cyclops.
Moltar: I'm thinking of enhancing my latent powers,
how's the tuition at your school?
Cyclops: Most of us pay in angst-marks.
Moltar: You seem pretty well to do, aren't those hard
to come by?
Cyclops: You've got to be kidding! (takes a deeeeep
breath) First, I can't control my powers, and have to
wear this thing. (pointing to visor) Then, I fall in
love in Jean, she dies, comes back, gets merged with a celestial
avatar, and dies again. I marry another girl, and we have
a kid. Jean comes back again, and I find out that the person
I thought was Jean was really just the avatar pretending to
be Jean, my kid gets a techno-organic virus and gets sent
to the future. my wife goes insane, and dies. I marry Jean,
we get sent to the future to raise my kid, and later he comes
back, as a mercenary, and he's older than I am! Then, we find
out that a teammate could be our kid from the future, or maybe
from an alternate universe, then, this other kid who claims
to be my genetic offspring from another alternate universe
shows up. My teacher and mentor goes insane and gets arrested.
We get captured by some cyborg lunatic bent on destroying
us all, I nearly have a bomb go off in my stomach, my brother
in insane, or dead, my father is a space pirate, and worst
off all, most of that is interest on the original loan!
Moltar: Um, right.
Moltar pulls levers and switches, and Cyclops statics
out.
Show the set, screen lowers to show a number of X-men
in partial costume sitting around a living room.
From left to right, we see:
Gambit, in ripped jeans, a "co-ed naked superheroing
T-shirt" with the slogan "Rising up to save the
world," and his black headpiece, sitting in a chair,
with Rogue in his lap, who is dressed in a turtleneck, jeans,
and gloves.
Tending to a plant between the chair and a sofa is Storm,
dressed in her white uniform.
In the middle of a large, comfy looking sofa, is Cyclops in
his visor, jeans and a T-shirt. Sitting next to him, on his
left, holding his hand is Jean Grey, in her blue head-piece,
and pants and blouse.
Next to them, sitting upside down with his feet hanging over
the back of the sofa is Iceman, in his iceform, wearing jeans
and a T-shirt.
On the right of the sofa, slouched in a large leather recliner
is Wolverine, dressed only in a pair of tiger-striped boxer
shorts and his yellow and black mask/hood, clutching a beer
in one hand, and a cigar in another, with one leg kicked over
the arm rest.
Between Wolverine and Iceman is a tall pole lamp. Perched
on top, in the traditional thinker's pose, is Beast, clad
in a pair of black biking shorts.
Finally, sitting on the floor in front of the sofa is Jubilee
in a long T-shirt style nightgown, wearing fuzzy bunny slippers
and holding a small teddy bear.
Space Ghost: Greetings mutant marvels! Is everyone
getting enough oxygen?
The X-men look at each other in confusion.
Space Ghost: It says here on my blue card, that you
have a movie coming out. Why don't you tell me about it?
The X-Men look around at each other, each hoping another
will answer the question.
IceMan: They stopped production on our television
series because it was taking up too much of our time, but
we haven't completed production of the movie yet!
Space Ghost: Ok..
Show Zorak, waxing his arm.
Zorak: Oooh! Ooooh! I have a question for Jean.
Jean: Yes Zorak?
Zorak: Will you go out with me?
Jean: I'd love to Zorak, but I'm married.
Zorak: But there's so many of you, and only one of
him. (pointing to Cyclops)
Show X-men, Jubilee gets up, and leaves, returns without
bear and slippers, in a short baby doll nightgown.
Show Space Ghost, flipping through cards, and tossing
them into a waste paper basket. Finally, he throws the entire
stack into the trash.
Space Ghost: Rogue, you don't look well, are you getting
enough oxygen?
Rogue: Ah'm fine, its just too hot in here with all
these people.
Space Ghost: Maybe its because you're wearing too
much clothing.
Space Ghost winks.
Show X-men. Jubilee gets up, looks around self-consciously
and leaves the room.
Rogue: Space Ghost, I have to wear these clothes,
if I don't, I could cause the ones I love mortal harm!
Show Zorak, looking as sad as an evil mantis can look.
Zorak: I understand how you feel Rogue, women in my
species always kill their mates.
Jubilee returns in cut off short-shorts, and a midriff
T-shirt
Iceman falls over and sits right side up on the sofa.
Iceman: Uh, Storm, um, why are you still in your uniform?
Storm: I like how it feels, and I think it makes me
look attractive. You think it makes me look attractive, don't
you?
Iceman blushes, stammers, starts to look a little melted.
Space Ghost: My uniform is very attractive.
Zorak: Shut up, Tad! Storm, I think it looks very
attractive, we should get to know each other better, I could
protect your, er., garden... from pests, like him, yea! (pointing
to Space Ghost)
Space Ghost gives Zorak an agitated sidelong glance.
Show X-men. Jubilee stands, up, very agitated.
Jubilee: What does a girl gotta do to to be appreciated
around here? Because of Miss Unobtainable over there (pointing
to Rogue), hardly anyone ever notices me! What do I have
to do?! Sit here naked to get one of you to pay attention
to me??!
The X-men all look at Jubilee with shocked expressions,
except for Beast, who rubs his chin thoughtfully and give
a subtle nod of affirmation.
Show Zorak who blinks, twice. {{blink blink}}
Show Space Ghost who looks uncomfortable.
Back to Zorak, holding his Xaiver's brochure.
Zorak: I wanna be an X-man!
Space Ghost: You knock that off Zorak, or I'll blast
you!
Moltar: Here we go again.
Show X-men. Cyclops looks irritated at Space Ghost.
Cyclops: Actually Space Ghost; Magneto, and several
other former villains have reformed and joined the X-men from
time to time. Zorak can join if he wants to.
Jean: So Zorak, tell us, why do you want to be an
X-man?
Show Zorak, with the usually random poster replaced with
a conspicuous poster of Rogue behind him.
Zorak: Mostly I like to blow things up, but the obligatory
unfulfilling relationship with Rogue is a plus!
Show X-men, everyone looks uncomfortable, especially Gambit.
Wolverine: That's as good of as a reason as any, bub.
Everyone stares at Wolverine.
Gambit: I'll fry you into a fricassee your oversized
crawdad!
Zorak: Just like an amphibian not to know to the difference
between an arthropod and a crustacean.
Show the X-men, who look like they don't get it.
Beast: Such racist thoughts are disappointing and
inappropriate for a potential X-man.
Zorak: Aw, I don't wanna join your stupid club anyway!
Show Cyclops, who looks pissed.
Cyclops: A magnifying glass the size of a building
would be too good a fate for the likes of you!
Gambit: If wasn't on the other side of this screen,
I would tear you apart, little green man!
Show Zorak, who gives Gambit a Bronx cheer.
Show X-men, starting to look very angry. Jean puts her
hand to her temple. {{boing}}
Show Zorak upside-down in his pod with his legs kicking.
Space Ghost: You can't talk that way about MY useless
sidekick! You bunch of panty-waisted super couch potatoes
wouldn't stand a chance against my power bands!!
Show Moltar, watching the scene from his video monitor.
Show X-men on Moltar's screen. Wolverine draws his claws
{{Snickt!}}
Wolverine: Yeah?
Space Ghost: YEAH!
Moltar: I've seen just about enough of this.
Moltar pulls levers, channels flip wildly, red phone light
flashes, Magneto appears on the screen, decked in his tradional
purple and red costume, with helmet.
Moltar: Hello Magneto, that's a nice helmet!
Magneto: Really Moltar? I'm glad you like it. Yours
is pretty fetching too.
Moltar: These guys are giving me a headache. We should
go out for coffee.
Show the set, Space Ghost and Zorak and the X-Men are
yelling at each other, loudly enough that its too much to
understand.
Show the X-men in a close-up. Professor Xavier walks (Yes,
walks) across screen behind the sofa, dressed only in a towel.
Xaiver: Oh, hi everybody!
X-men (in unison): Hi, Professor!
As the Professor leaves, the Lights reflect in a gleaming
array from the his head, and some X-men shield their eyes.
Show Zorak, who blinks. {{blink blink}}
Show X-men, who stare menacingly at Zorak.
Show Zorak, who blinks. {{blink blink}}
Show X-men, who all blink. In unison. {{blink blink}}
(That's a loud blink!)
Show Zorak, who stares.
Dramatic fight music starts, and with a boing, Zoseph
pops in {{boing}}
Zorak on the right, facing left, and Zoseph, on the left,
facing right, look nearly identical, except that Zoseph has
long white hair.
Zorak blinks. {{blink blink}}
Zoseph blinks. {{blink blink}}
Zorak blinks. {{blink blink}}
Zoseph blinks. {{blink blink}}
Zorak blinks. {{blink blink}}
Zoseph blinks. {{blink blink}}
Show Space Ghost, who looks completely confused.
Zorak: Who the heck are you?
Zoseph: I'm Zoseph, the genetic offspring of your
identical clone from another dimension!
Zorak: I'm Zorak, I'm a super villain!
Zoseph: Yes, I've come to save you from your evil
ways.
Zorak: You're stupid.
Space Ghost: (thinking to himself)Who is this
guy? He looks so familiar, yet, he's so annoying
Space Ghost: (out loud, pompously). I don't
like you Mister Zoseph. If you don't shut up, I am going to
blast you!
Zoseph: Zorak, its very important. The very fate of
the universe depends on this. Just look at what you've done
here today!
Show Space Ghost, aiming his armbands to zap Zoseph.
Zorak: No, Wait!
Zorak looks around at everyone.
Zorak: uh.. oh, go ahead and blast him!
Space Ghost blasts Zoseph, leaving a pungent heap of smoldering
ash.
Show the X-men, all holding their noses and waving their
hands in front of their faces.
Show Brak, standing in front of the curtain.
Brak: Hey, somebody pootied!
Zorak: Nobody pootied. Space Ghost killed my clone's
son from an alternate universe.
Brak: Whatever it is, it sure does stink!
Space Ghost: Moltar, get me a janitor up here right
now!
Show Space Ghost waiting, tapping his fingers against
the desk.
Show the outside of the Starbucks on Ghost Planet.
Space Ghost: Moltar!! I said, get me a janitor up
here!
Show Moltar and Magneto inside. Magneto is sipping at
his coffee, Moltar is stirring his.
Magneto: Really, I think its because I was just so
embarrassed. I mean, I was the only kid in our entire family
who didn't have curly hair. But now, its kind of grown on
me.
Show Space Ghost, looking very perturbed
Space Ghost: MOLTAR!!!!!
Show Moltar's cave, where the Sentinel robot who is manning
the console pulls a lever
::: end transmission :::
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