If I misrepresent any of the X-Men, then it's all in fun. I don't own any of the X-Men. that means Rachel, Jean, Kitty, Marrow, Jubilee, Cyclops, Rogue, Gambit, Wolverine, or Shatterstar. I am poor. Do not sue me. Soul belongs to me. I really, really, really like the X-Men and was just poking fun at them.

by Natalie Martinez

Jubilee: Come on, tell the truth. Don't tell me you truly invited me over to make friends with HER. She tried to kill Wolvie. She's lucky I don't fry her butt.

Jean: Now, Jubilee. You have to see this from her point of view.

Kitty: Of course we do. You have to understand, Jubes, that she's a psychopath that doesn't even belong on any of the teams, including X-Force.

Jean: Kitty!

Kitty: But it's true.

Jean: You're also both here to help out with Rogue. She's been down ever since, well...

Jubilee: Since Mr. Right turned into Mr. Right-Person-To-Lead-A-Mutant-Massacre.

Jean: Will you two stop it! Scott will be back at any moment with Marrow and Rogue so we can play Risk.

Kitty: Anyone else find the irony in the fact that we're playing a game where the object is to take over the world using force a little funny?

Jean: Kitty, I need you two to focus. Not worry about a little game or Wolverine.

Jubilee: So we turn our backs on him?

Jean: That's not the point. The point is to get Rogue out of her depression and to let Marrow feel she belongs.

Jubilee: So you pick the youngest person off Excalibur and the best partier in Generation X. It makes perfectly logical sense. Are you sure that Phoenix outfit hasn't gone to your head? You know, the absolute fashion statement corrupting absolutely?

Jean: Jubilee!

Kitty: She's got a point. You've been acting different ever since you put on that suit.

Jean: That's not the point. (She glares at them) You both know how it feels to be the odd woman out.

Marrow (Walks into the room with Rogue and Cyclops behind her): I'm sure they do.

Jean: We were just...

Rogue: Just insertin' your foot in your mouth.

Cyclops (Clears his throat): Why don't we pick which colors we want and start the game?

Kitty: I'll take blue and black.

Marrow: Orange and brown belong to me.

Rogue: I've got green and yellow.

Jean: When don't you? I'll have purple and gray.

Cyclops: I'll take red and white.

Jubilee: I want the multi-colored ones.

Kitty: Multi-colored ones? There are no multi-colored pieces in Risk.

Jubilee: Then what are these?

The game pieces begin to glow, then the world erupts into a swirl of multi-color. The colors blind them momentarily, allowing a thick gas to fill their noses and the floor to drop out beneath them.

Jean: Cyclops, where are you? (her voice sounds harsh) *Must be because of the smoke*

Cyclops: Over here, Jean.

Jean: *Thank God Jubilee is okay* (she crawls over to her) Are you all right?

Cyclops: I think I am, but I couldn't feel you over our connection.

Jean: What? *Jubilee must have hit her head or something*

Cyclops: You know our... (stares at her for a moment) This is no time for any jokes, Marrow.

Jean: Are you sure you didn't hit your head? I'm Jean... (she stops talking and stares down at her hands.) My god, Jubilee! I'm in Marrow's body.

Cyclops (looks down at his own body): But I'm Scott!

Jean: Scott?

Cyclops: Jean?

Jubilee: Will you two stop yelling? (They both turn at the same time to see Scott's body walk up to them.) I have a headache. I should've listened to Everett and gone with him to rent movies.

Jean: Jubilee?

Jubilee (Stops walking towards them): That's my body! (she then looks down at her current body.) Gross! I have Scott's old wart covered body!

Scott (pouting): Well, you got the better deal.

Rogue (sauntering over): Don't know about that, sugah.

Jean: Rogue, is that you?

Rogue: In the flesh, or rather, in your flesh if that's you, Jean.

Jean: How did you get in there?

Rogue (shrugs her shoulder delicately): I have no idea how I got in here. Just woke up and was wearing your skin.

Jean: But if you're got my skin, and I've got Marrow's, then where's your body?

Jubilee: She's probably out running around with it, joy riding.

Marrow: If only I was that lucky to get away from you pretty ones.

Jean: Marrow?

Marrow: Yes, but then again, I'm one of the pretty pretties now too. (Twirls around showing off Kitty's body like it was a mink coat)

Kitty: And if you hurt that body I promise you I'll rearrange your face so no one will ever recognize you again.

Jean (stage whisper): Rachel.

Kitty: Someone keep that girl under wraps. I don't want her doing anything to my body.

Jubilee: Kitty?

Kitty: You've got that one right, Jubes. I may be in Rachel's body, but it's me, Kitty. I'm the ultra-babe now. Mothers lock up your sons! (They stare at her) What? Aren't I allowed to have any fun?

Jean: You're not acting like yourself.

Kitty: You haven't spent time with me in years, how do you know how I act?

Cyclops: Kitty, this isn't like you. What's gotten into you? You're acting so strange.

Kitty: I feel energized. I feel alive for the first time in my whole life.

Jubilee: Now introducing the Rachel Summers body. Get stuck in this body and your self esteem goes from 0 to 1 billion in 2.5 seconds.

Cyclops (snaps): Control yourself!

Jean: We've all been acting strange lately. I think something happened to us when we arrived here.

Cyclops: She's right. After all, just look around here. It looks like we're in the mansion.

Marrow: Cheap paper mansion.

Jubilee: So what's the plan?

Cyclops: Scout around and see if you can find anything out of place.

Rogue: I just got one question before we start searchin'. Where's mah body? Not that I'm in a hurry to get it back or nothin'.

Jean: We can find your body later. (Rogue glares at her). I swear that will be the second thing we do. We have more important things to do now though.

Jubilee: Like what?

Jean (loud sigh): We have to suspect one of our enemies is out there. We have to find them and get them to put us back in our proper bodies and get us home.

Marrow: I happen to like this body.

Jubilee: Well, I'm not staying in his body.

Cyclops: Neither am I.

Jean: If any of our enemies are here they've probably seen us by now.

Jubilee: Really? No duh. Oh, by the way I thought maybe it was one of our allies was doing this, not to mention the fact I thought we were going to keep the bodies we got. Yuck!

Rogue: We find mah body NOW!

Cyclops groans at that moment.

Jean: Are you okay honey?

Cyclops: I think so.

Rogue: Stop interrupting. I may not be happy about mah powers, but Ah've worked long and hard on mah body.

Marrow: All those hours, probably days getting your body in shape?

Cyclops: All the stuff you went through with Carol Danvers?

Kitty: You mean... (makes a hand motion around the breast area)

Rogue: Of course I mean mah breasts. You other guys are crazy. Jean's body's in fine condition, but mah breasts are plastic. How else do yah think ah got those babies to stand at attention? Do you know how much money it takes to find someone who can operate on invulnerable skin that'll swallow your soul, plus put something in ya that the body won't reject?

Cyclops: I really don't want to hear this. I really don't need to know about that. (gets thoughtful) What's that?

Jubilee: What's what?

Cyclops: That.

Jean: Scott, dear, we don't feel anything.

Cyclops: What is that dripping sensation?

Jubilee: Oh no. Please don't let it be May 29.

Marrow: What's a'matter? Forget to do a book report, or maybe return a library book?

Kitty: What is it?

Jubilee: You know.

Jean: No we don't.

Cyclops (in the background): Oh my sides! Oh the pain! This is horrible torture.

Jean: What's happening to him?

Jubilee: I'd rather tell you in private.

Jean: What's happening to him? Jubilee, tell me, he's my husband.

Jubilee: It's kinda personal.

Cyclops: What is it? AM I going to die? Do you have a disease that you never told us about?

Jubilee: No!

Kitty: Are you pregnant?

Jubilee: No!

Marrow: Been sexually abused by Wolverine?

Jubilee: No!

Jean: Are the queen to the Brood?

Jubilee: I'm on the rag, having my monthly, riding the crimson wave, I'm... (Scott groans and grows pale)

Jean: I think he understands.

Cyclops: You're, you're having your period? While I'm in your body?!

Marrow: Leader man sure is dense.

Jean: Shut up, Marrow.

Cyclops: Oh my God! Oh my God! This can't be happening!

Marrow: But it is, Leaderman.

Cyclops (sobbing): Leave me alone! (Faints)

Jean (rushing over to his side): Are you all right, sweety? (Shakes him)

Marrow: This should be fun.

Jean: Don't make me kill you.

Cyclops (comes out of the faint): Oh God. What a nightmare. I was.... AHAHAHAHAHAH!

Kitty: Who would have ever thought being a women would turn him into a sobbing baby?

Cyclops (crawling towards Jubilee): You HAVE to make it stop.

Jubilee: Yeah. Right.

Cyclops: Please! I'll let you become a X-Man again. Anything you want! ANYTHING!

Jean (gently): Scott dear, she can't stop it. Now pull yourself together.

Cyclops: Pull myself together? Pull myself together?! I'm riding the crimson wave. This is no man's land. How am I supposed to pull myself together?

Rogue: No need to yell, sugah. We're right here.

Marrow: Men are such babies.

Cyclops: What do I do? How do I stop it? What are those things you use to stop it? They come in the pink boxes. What are those things, Jean?

Jean: Some are tampons and some are pads.

Cyclops: One of you show me how to use them.

Silence reigns supreme.

Kitty: Jean, you're his wife.

Marrow: Not while Jean's in my body!

Jean: Well it's Jubilee's body. She should do it.

Jubilee: As if! His hands are not touching my body. Besides you married his wart covered...

Jean: Jubilation Lee! What have I told you about that kind of language?

Jubilee: Then have a little talk with your husband about how to take care of a woman's body.

Marrow (Mumbled under breath so no one will hear): It would take more then a little talk.

Rogue: I wanna know where mah body is!

Cyclops (snaps): Fine. If none of you are going to help then let's get going. (Mumbles) Why do I have this sudden craving for a slice of chocolate cake?

Rogue: We're not going anywhere, at least not until I know where mah body is.

Shatterstar (Star): I fear I have it. (Rogue's body walks over to them very timidly. Arms folded across breasts and brow furrowed)

Kitty: What is this? X-Men Universal, Dimensional, and Timeline Body Swapping Day?

Star: I am afraid it seems so.

Kitty: And who are you? You don't walk like Rachel would, and we don't have any extra bodies running around.

Star: Shatterstar, from X-Force, remember. I believe I've met all of you at least once.

Jean: Welcome, Star. How did you get here if you don't mind me asking?

Star: I went to sleep, and when I woke up I was here in this body. (Gestures at Rogue's body)

Marrow: Poor baby.

Rogue: So Rachel must be runnin' around here with your body. (Giggle) I never thought I'd see Rachel in that kind of predicament. Stuck in some guy's body.

Jean (grinning): She'll have you wrapped up in red leather by the time you get your body back.

Kitty: No, it'll match his hair. You're a strawberry blond right? You're going to have that color of leather all over you. She can find a leather store ANYWHERE. (Star's eyes widen in terror. Kitty is about to continue on wagging her finger at the others when he interrupts.)

Star: We must stop her then.

Rachel: Stop who from doing what? (Turn to see her walking towards them in a leather tight strawberry blondish colored leather complete with dog spiked color around his neck) Hey guys! What's up? (They continue to stare.) So which one of you is this Shatterstar guy?

Star (Raising arm slowly): I am.

Rachel: This must be your body then. I see you're stuck in Rogue's body. Let me guess, Rogue doesn't have my body. That is definitely not a Rogue pose. (Points at Kitty who still has her finger out, her nose wrinkled, and is ready to go into a long lecture.)

Jean: Rachel?

Rachel: The one and only.

Kitty (throws herself into Rachel's arms): We thought you were dead, or stuck in the future.

Rachel: I'm a Summers and a Grey (rolls her eyes). Nothing kills us. We're harder to kill than cockroaches.

Kitty (mumbled): Isn't that the truth.

Rogue: You poor thing. You got stuck in a guy's body. All of us were lucky enough to get in other gals' bodies, except poor Jubilee.

Jubilee: Can you believe I got stuck in Cyclops wart covered body?

Rachel (laughing): Poor Jubes. At least I got off easy in that regard. It was fun picking this body out a new costume. You would not believe all the invitations I got to go have a drink. I'm surprised ol' Shatterstar doesn't have a beerbelly by now. Thank god his butt was tight enough for this leather.

Jean (Star gets bright red): Rachel!

Rachel: It's true. So, what's the plan?

Marrow: Plan?

Rachel: Yes, plan. How do we get out of this situation?

Jean: No clue.

Cyclops: No one's told me what to do yet about Jubilee's little problem yet.

Rachel: What problem?

Marrow (grinning): She's on the rag.

Cyclops and Jubilee turn bright red. Both shout: Marrow!

Kitty: (shaking head) Listen, why don't I go do some scouting around. We can find out if anyone is out there. All of you stay here.

Jean: How will you stay hidden?

Kitty shakes her head. She jumps up heading towards the ground.

Rachel: Wait! You can't phase!

Kitty (hits her head on the ground): Oh, that hurt.

Jean: How could you forget you're in Rachel's body?

Cyclops: That was stupid.

Jubilee: At least she knows how to apply a tampon!

Rachel: Kitty, you messed up my hair!

Marrow: I knew you were conceited but this is ridiculous.

Jean: Will all of you stop? We're going to die if we can't work together.

Marrow: Why don't we work together, Star, once you're back in your own body of course.

Star: There will be no need to work together then.

Marrow: You and I can play a little game though.

Star: Game? I am a warrior-born. I have no time for games. I must train.

Marrow: What I have in mind will give you a workout.

Star (turning red): This is not something that happens to a warrior-born.

Rachel (shaking head): Thank god none of the others are here.

Kitty: They'd never let us live it down.

At that moment Wolverine walks over to them from the kitchen door. He seems very intent on Rogue's body.

Jubilee: Wolvie!

Kitty: Not you, too.

Wolverine ignores them both and walks over to Rogue's body and begins to kiss one of Shatterstar's gloved hands.

Star: What? Stop! This is no way for you to treat me. You're my childhood hero!

Wolverine (from behind them): Back off, gumbo.

Gambit (still kissing Star's hand): Can you forgive me, Rogue?

Rogue: Get away from mah body, swamp rat!

Unknown to her she allows a part of her anger to go into Jean's power of telekinesis. Her aim is awful, though, she sends Star and Gambit flying through the air to go through the kitchen wall.

Rogue: Oops.

Marrow: Oops? And you people complained because I stabbed him through the neck, yet you're not going to say anything about her putting two of your teammates through a wall. You people make NO sense.

Wolverine: There's a difference. It's no problem, darlin'. My body can handle itself and so can Rogue's.

Jubilee: Wolvie?

Kitty: That would be him. Looks like you've grown since I saw you last.

Wolverine (shrugging Gambit's shoulders): Guess I have.

Rogue: Ah'm gonna flatten that cajun like a pancake run over by a tractor trailer!

Marrow: This should be fun. And he should be able to heal anything you do to him. While you're at it why don't you try ripping off various limbs?

Jean: You're in my body though. You can't flatten anyone.

Rogue: Then I'll have to use your telekinesis to whip his butt good.

Rachel: Come on, someone, stop her. She's going ballistic.

Jubilee: What exactly are we supposed to do? None of us know how to use the others' powers. Well no one except for Rogue. She's been trained to learn how to use others' powers. We haven't. (In the background Rogue has formed a telekinetic shield around Gambit and  is bouncing him off the walls like a racquetball.)

Cyclops: My sides. God, my sides hurt! Oh the agony! Oh the pain!

Wolverine: What's a matter with him?

Marrow: He's on the...

Cyclops and Jubilee: Marrow! (Gambit goes whizzing by them)

Marrow: Rag.

Wolverine turns red.

Kitty: Didn't know you could turn red.

Rachel: Who's going to stop Rogue? (Everyone ignores her. Rachel stomps over until she's between Rogue and Gambit. She draws one of her blades.) I won't let you kill him, Rogue. Then Wolverine and Gambit will be stuck in the same body.

Gambit: Rogue, let me explain.

Rogue: You've explained enough.

Rachel: Listen, I don't know what this is about, but you don't wanna hurt Wolverine, do you?

Rogue: Ah guess not.

Rachel: Wait until he's back in his body, then kill him.

Rogue: All right!

Jean: I'm going to be fired. I just know it.

Scott: You don't have a job, sweetheart.

Jean (avoiding his eyes): Right. How could I forget? I need to use the bathroom. Excuse me. (begins to leave the room)

Marrow: I think someone's lying. Wait up, Red!

Jean: I am not, and will you hurry? This is urgent. What have you been eating? A whole pig?

Marrow: Keep it up. keep it up. (They're out of there)

Gambit (swaying on his feet): Anyone have some aspirin, and bandages? (Mumbles) Why couldn't Henry have been in this fan-fiction?

Kitty: What is he babbling about?

Rogue: Who cares?

Gambit: God they gonna kick my butt at the strip club.

All: What?!

Gambit: Oh no.

Jean (walks in): What? Gambit, you told them about me and the strip club? (Throws one of Marrow's bones)

Gambit (backing up): No, Jean. I promise I never tell no one, and Remy keep his word!

Scott: You've been to a (gasp) strip club?

Jean: I work there part time.

Gambit: How you think we get the money for bills? Think Warren or Betsy pay them? WE have to find easy ways to make money.

Scott: So you've been taking my WIFE to a strip club?!

Gambit: She took me to the club. We make good money. I watch out for her and the others.

Kitty: Others?

Gambit: Stormy and Betsy. They think it fun.

Rogue: Ah'm a gonna whop your butt big time for this. Turning the others into objects so men can drool on 'em!

Jean: He's a stripper too. He's on the other side of the club, and the women are a hundred times worse then the men.

Gambit (to Rogue): I just wanted to buy you nice things. I love you.

Rogue: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Rachel (whispers to Kitty): She must not get out anymore.

Rogue: I love you too, Cajun. I forgive ya, for everything. (They kiss)

Wolverine: Never thought I'd see the day when I'd be kissing Jeannie again.

Cyclops: Stop it! You two stop it immediately! Jean's body is happily married to me!

Gambit: Now, Scott. WE never get to kiss before. Let us enjoy it, non?

Rogue: How dare you interrupt Gambit's homecomin'! (Slap)

Kitty: Jerk! (slap)

Cyclops: Now my cheeks and my sides hurt.

Jubilee: Are you going to put something on or bleed all over the place?

Cyclops: One of you has to teach me first.

Jean: All right! All right! I'll do it.

Wolverine: You ain't teachin' one-eye about female products while he's in Jubilee's body.

Jubilee: You tell 'em, Wolvie.

Cyclops: What should I do then?

Gambit: Don't know. You smell like fish though, mon ami, so stay away from me.

Cyclops (turning to Wolverine): So that's how you manage to stay away from the mansion whenever it's that time, Logan.

Kitty, Jubilee, Jean, and Rogue surround Wolverine.

Wolverine: Hey, I only did it so I wouldn't annoy any of you. Would these eyes lie to you, darlins? (All their faces grow soft)

Jubilee: Wolvie!

Kitty: We could never be mad at you.

Jean: You only wanted to keep out of our way.

Rogue: And such a sweet way of doin' it too. I think Ah'm gonna have to kiss you. (Gives him a nice wet kiss on the lips)

Marrow: I think I'm going to be sick.

Gambit: He's usin' my power for charmin' the ladies.

Rachel: I'm sick of this. Star, Marrow, Kitty, what do you say we find who did this and make them pay?

Marrow: Vengeful, isn't she?

Star: An admirable trait in an ally.

Marrow: Stupid man. Sam's more fun.

Soul: Hi there!

Kitty: Where did you come from?

Rachel: And who are you?

Soul: I'm Soul, or at least that's what they call me here. I can't remember what my real name is anymore. Have no clue where I'm from.

Jubilee: What happened to you? Are you trapped here too?

Soul: Nope.

Rachel: Did you do this to us?

Soul: 'Fraid so.

Star: You will put us back to normal now.

Soul: No can do. Sorry.

Marrow: Let me at her.

Soul: You're here to keep me and my mistress happy.

Marrow: Mistress? Man, she's sleepin' with some dame.

Soul: You're stupid. She's my mistress because she takes care of me. (Rolling of eyes) Why would I want to sleep with HER?

Jean: Who's your mistress?

Soul: I can't tell you. It's not allowed.

Kitty: Why did you bring us here?

Soul: I told you that answer already, to make us happy.

Kitty: No, why us? You could have brought anyone in the world, right?

Soul: Yes.

Kitty: Why us?

Soul: We need parents, so I brought Cyclops and Phoenix. SHE tells me that they make very good parent figures. Rogue was brought because she can be happy and protect us along with the cajun. Wolverine to teach us to fight so we can defend ourselves. Marrow, because she reminds my mistress of herself. All the feelings, wanting to be good, but failing. Or at least believing she's failing. Shatterstar because he is emotionless in battle which is something neither one of us has ever learned. He keeps his head. Kitty, Jubilee, and the second Phoenix because one of them was friends with my mistress. She believes in that one's good taste in friends.

Kitty: Jubilee and Rachel never met until today. That means it has to be someone I know.

Soul: Maybe, maybe not.

Wolverine: Take us back. Put us right.

Soul (Turning head to side as though listening to something in the distance): I'm going to. But not because you told me to, because SHE told me to. I'm sorry about the mixed-up bodies, and the way this dimension affected your minds. Goodbye.

Kitty: But who is it?

Soul: Goodbye. (She waves her hand and they disappear. More multicolored swirls and gases.)

Jean: We're back home, in the mansion.

Rogue: Mah head hurts.

Jubilee: The others are gone.

Cyclops: Jean, check and make sure that the others are alive.

Jean: I can sense Wolverine, Star, and Gambit are fine. I can't feel Rachel though.

Cyclops: She's probably back in her own time.

Kitty: Jean, do you think, could it have been Illyana or maybe Doug?

Jean: No, Kitty. They're both long since dead.

Kitty: You didn't sense anything?

Jean: No. Now lets go to bed. It's been a long night.

Back in the fake looking paper X-men mansion.

"Well," the voice asks. "Did you send them back?"

"Yes ma'am. They're better now. I did exactly what you told me."

"Don't ever do that again or I will kill you."

"No you won't. No one else can make you fully human again, Magik. I'm the last chance you've got."

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