The following bit of fan fiction was written
in an attempt to evoke smiles, laughter, and general good
cheer. If you like it (and naturally I hope you will), feel
free to send me your feedback. If you don't like it, feel
free to flame me. This will of course result in my becoming
chronically depressive and giving up writing for good. Choose
Continuity note: This story takes place some time between
Rogue and Joseph's return to the X-Men and the X-Men's battle
with the Phalanx in outer space.
Stinky Disclaimer: The following is a work of fan fiction.
It was written for entertainment purposes only. All characters
and institutions presented herein are copyright Marvel Comics
Group. This is not meant to supersede said copyrights.
Inky-Pinky Disclaimer: Me Loni. You reader. This my
story. Characters no mine. You no sue.<
There's a Mutant Under My Bed!
Bishop took one look at the two X-Men -- one a Cajun who
he had come back in time to kill to prevent his eminent betrayal
of the X-Men, the other the former madman called Magneto,
now suffering from psychically induced amnesia and going by
the name Joseph. Then he looked at Joseph's glowing left hand
and at the two deuces that were already glowing in Gambit's
right. As an X-Man, he knew he should intervene. His responsibility
to the well being of his team demanded that he do so. He really
should step in. The ebony-skinned man grinned and went back
to reading the morning paper.
"I most certainly did, you loud-mouthed Cajun lout!"
"In your dreams, Lensherr!"
"What are you two arguing about now?" a regal Ororo
Munroe asked, hands on hips and eyebrows arched.
Joseph flushed. Gambit gritted his teeth, biting off the
words as he said them. "Monsieur Joseph here, he claim
dat he an' Rogue sleep t'gether 'fore dis whole Onslaught
Storm seemed momentarily taken aback then grew stern. "I
am surprised at the two of you," Ororo admonished, "What
would Rogue think?"
"What would Rogue think about what?" Bobby asked
as he strolled casually into the mansion's rec. room.
Three voices -- one peppered with Cajun patois, one with
German overtones, and another with African inflection -- exclaimed
"BOBBY!" Bishop grinned but then noticed how much
pain the unfamiliar action caused him and drew his mouth resolutely
back into its usual frown.
"You back!" Remy said, once more stating the obvious
and once more demonstrating his difficulty with verbs.
"Wow. Two points for the Cajun. Rah," Joseph said,
twirling one finger in the air sarcastically. Gambit shot
him a warning glare and slapped his hand out of the air.
"You have returned, Robert! But I thought that you wanted
to spend time with your father," Ororo said.
"Wish Joe had a father . . . " Gambit mumbled under
"I . . . er . . . well . . . "
"Robert!" Hank shouted jubilantly, at the same
time bounding to greet his friend. Unfortunately, he miscalculated
his trajectory and slammed into Bobby's chest, knocking him
onto Bishop and flipping the couch onto its back. Bishop wasn't
All three other X-Men rushed to help, and without the guidance
of Professor Xavier, bungled the job, grabbing handfuls of
hair and pulling. Hank howled.
Jean's head popped in the door to see what all the commotion
was. Hank was startled when a soft pink telekinetic bubble
formed around his body, lifting him off Bobby. "Many
thanks, Jeannie, but what would Trish think?"
"Ugh! I t'ink you need be more concern wit' gettin'
some Rogaine! You sheddin', mon ami!" Gambit said, wiping
his hands on Joseph's shirt. Joseph glared at him.
"Pray tell, my most boisterous buddy, wilt thou impart
upon we humble X-men thy reason for returning home?"
"Well, y'see Joseph claim dat he an' Rogue 'ave been
"Hush, Remy!" Storm said, "I think Henry was
referring to Robert."
"Your perception is once again such that it inspires
awe in my fuzzy, blue heart, Storm. Though you may feel free
to discuss the affairs of Rogue and Joseph with me at a later
"Affair?! What affair?!" Gambit shouted, eyes blazing.
"The affair," Joseph antagonized, "that Rogue
and I have been having behind your back all this time."
That did it. It took three X-Men to drag Remy off Joseph.
Joseph would have used the iron in Remy's blood to repel him,
but at the time, Remy had been beating his head against the
"Oh, my," Betsy cooed, "It would seem that
Warren and I have chosen a bad time to return."
"BETSY! WARREN!" five X-Men shouted.
"Betsy! Warren!" Rogue repeated.
"Roguey!" Gambit exclaimed.
Rogue rolled her eyes. Ever since Gambit had found her and
Joseph, he had developed the annoying habit of shouting her
name every time he saw her.
"Why you been sleepin' wit' dis trash?" Gambit
asked her, pointing an accusing finger at Joseph who immediately
made the surrounding air crackle with magnetic energy.
"WHAT?!" seven X-Men screamed, Rogue included.
"Rogue!" Bobby pleaded, "Say it isn't so!"
There was so much desperation in his voice that everyone
turned to look at him curiously. Bobby blushed. "I .
. . uh . . . "
"That is -- we're uh -- "
"I mean -- when we -- uh . . . "
"Rogue, I love you!" Bobby shouted, startling everyone.
Then everyone had to restrain both Remy and Joseph. "Oh
mah," Rogue said sultrily, "Ah seem t'have quite
an affect on men. Guess ah must take after mah mama."
"Yes, and look who she slept with . . . " Warren
"Now what's this about you and Joseph?" Hank asked.
"Joseph an' ah haven't slept t'gether," Rogue said,
intentionally making it sound as though the thought was not
"Chére! I t'ought you 'ad better taste dan dat!"
"Then why was she with you so long?" Betsy asked.
"But Rogue," Joseph argued, "I looked in Xavier's
computer, and he said that he suspected we had been lovers
when we were in the Savage Land!"
Gambit and Bobby looked ready to faint. Rogue was beet red,
trying to regain her composure. "So it's true then!"
Joseph exclaimed, "Oh, Rogue, why didn't you tell me
Gambit slugged him. He turned to face Rogue. "Why you
not tell me dis?"
"Remy, ah -- "
"Uh, excuse me?" Jean interrupted, "Weren't
you the one who didn't bother to tell her that you're married?"
"Yah, well dat's diff'rent!"
"Remy -- "
"Why?" Betsy asked coolly, "Because she's
a woman and you're a man? Sexist pig."
"Remy -- "
"Yeah! Because you've slept with God-knows-how-many
women you're a stud, but just because Rogue's slept with Mag
-- er -- Joseph, she's a slut?" Bobby asked.
"Remy -- "
"Non!" Gambit shouted "I mean yes! Joseph
don' deserve 'er!"
"Remy -- !"
"Neither do you!" Bobby retorted contritely.
"WHAT?!?" Gambit shouted. Then a mysterious flying
lamp hit him in the back of the head. Rogue saved him from
hitting the floor but then thought the better of it and dropped
him -- a bit forcefully as it appeared to the others.
"Go, Rogue!" Bobby cheered.
Joseph stood over Gambit, magnetic energy coalescing around
him. "You stay away from my girl!"
"Ah am NOT ya' -- "
"Hush, Rogue!" Cyclops interrupted, striking a
very leaderlike pose in the doorway. "We've got an emergency
on our hands, people! We've just received a transmission from
one of the other teams that someone's been raped."
Everyone started shouting at once. Scott gave them his most
leaderlike look of disdain, hoping to shame them into silence,
until he realized it wasn't visible beneath his visor. "SHUT-UP!!!"
he shouted. Everyone froze. "Thank you."
"Do ya' know who was raped?"
"Were you able to ascertain the victim's affiliation?"
"We got gays on de teams 'side Bobby?"
"No. I mean yes. I mean shut-up, Remy!"
"You know, Remy, I've been developing my powers to such
a degree that I can make certain bodily organs stop working."
"Don't you dare, Bobby!"
"Why would you care, Rogue, now that you're sleeping
with Joseph?" Warren asked.
"Ah am not -- "
"See? Roguey still be wantin' Remy!"
"Don't push ya' luck, sugah."
"I believe we have deviated from the subject at hand."
"Shaddap, all o' you!" Logan hollered, claws brandished,
"Bishop's right. We've gotta find out who was hurt so
I can tear Creed apart."
"Sabretooth? Oh no! Mama!" Rogue cried.
"Knowing Mystique, it was probably the other way around,
Rogue," Jean said.
"Well, she had better not have touched Forge!"
"Why? You don't," Bishop replied.
"That is beside the point!"
"SHUT UP!!!" Cyclops shouted, once more assuming
his most leaderlike pose.
"Wow, Scott," Jean commended, "Twice in one
"Bet you don' be hearin' dat too often, now do you,
Scotty?" Remy snickered.
"Shut up, Remy, or you've got kitchen detail,"
Scott retorted, then looked at Logan, "Why do you think
Sabretooth had anything to do with the rape?"
"Look at him, Scott," Warren replied, "Anyone
that ugly would have to get it on the sly."
"Hush, Warren. Let Logan answer," Jean said.
"Who said anything about Creed bein' involved?"
Logan answered, "I just wanna piece of him."
Everyone just looked at Wolverine, fighting to hold back
the pithy comments that sprang so readily to mind. There wasn't
anyone among them foolish or brave enough to antagonize the
Canadian. Except Bobby.
"Well, we've all seen how effective that's been in the
Wolverine sprang at him, claws extended. Bobby barely dodged
him in time, rolling out of the way. "Ya' better watch
your mouth, bub," Wolverine snarled.
"Wait a sec'. Not all of us've been 'ere de whole time.
Warren, what you been doin' wit' Betsy?" Gambit asked,
ignoring the exchange between Bobby and Logan.
"I assure you, Remy, that all of it was completely consensual,"
Betsy cooed. Warren blushed. "But since he and I are
no longer -- involved -- perhaps if you'd like a demonstration
. . . "
"'Liz'beth, ah don't think y'all want t' go there, sugah,"
Rogue warned. Gambit grinned. Joseph and Bobby looked disheartened
and generally pathetic.
"Oh, Scott!" Jean exclaimed, "What if Rachel
"Uh, honey," Scott answered, "Maybe you've
forgotten, but Rachel has the power of Phoenix. I don't think
she'd be prone to be the victim of assault. Now Nathan on
the other hand . . . "
"All I've gotta say is that it better not have been
Jubilee," Wolverine said, sheathing and unsheathing his
"'Ey Bobby," Gambit jibed, "You ain' been
'round Emma lately, 'ave you?"
Gambit howled at the sudden pain between his legs.
"Bobby, stop it!" Rogue yelled, "Ah might
need that some day!"
Everyone looked at her in surprise. "Uh, Rogue,"
Hank ventured, "Is there something you haven't told us?"
Rogue blushed. "Uh . . . no. Just precautionary, that's
"Hmmmmph," from both Bobby and Joseph. Gambit looked
up at her hopefully, still clutching his injured manhood.
Rogue pointedly ignored the three men.
"Scott," Storm asked, "did you not tell me
that you and Jean encountered Madelyne Pryor a few weeks ago?
Could it be possible that she and Alex -- ?"
Jean's lower lip started quivering. "Jean?" Storm
asked incredulously, "Are you and Alex involved?"
Everyone's eyes became riveted on Jean. Then she was sobbing.
"Jean?!" Scott exclaimed, "Say it isn't so!"
She hiccuped and managed to say, "No! It isn't that!
I just don't like to hear about her!"
Rogue looked at her understandingly. "S'allright, sugah.
Ain't nothin' worse than findin' the guy who ya' love's been
married t'another woman." She glared purposefully at
Remy who looked down at his feet.
"Yeah, Jean," Betsy agreed, "Men're scum."
"Hey!" Warren protested.
"Honey," Scott said, "We've gone over this
before. That was all a big mistake."
"Maybe, Scott, but that doesn't explain why you still
say her name in your sleep!"
Scott swallowed with some effort, turning red beneath her
"Way t'go, Scotty!" Remy exclaimed. Rogue slapped
the back of his head with the flat of her palm.
"Sorry, dear," Scott and Remy apologized.
"Hmmmmmph," from Jean and Rogue.
Bishop cleared his throat. "Speaking of Alex, perhaps
he and Lorna -- "
"That wimp?" Elizabeth laughed coldly, "I
"Maybe Lorna was the one who -- " Bobby started.
"Oh please," Jean interrupted, "That prude?"
"Jean!" Scott exclaimed then remembered he was
supposed to be acting demure. He stared at his feet.
"Ah'm sorry, boys, but there ain't a woman alive that
des'prate f'r sex!"
Gambit leaned closer to Rogue's ear to give the impression
of privacy but spoke loudly enough that everyone could hear.
"Give Remy de time, an' he be happy t'change ya' mind,
Joseph took a menacing step toward him.
"Get lost, magnet-boy!" Gambit said, "After
all, you be de one dat claim you an' Roguey been sleepin'
t'gether. 'Parently she wasn' too impressed wit' your 'performance',
The electric lamp chord jerked out of its socket and whipped
around Remy's neck. "Ack!" he cried.
"Remy!" Rogue shrieked.
"Joseph," Scott commanded, "Stop that this
The chord reluctantly slackened, leaving Remy gasping for
breath and glaring up at Joseph.
"Ya' know, I don't trust that Russian since he defected
last year," Logan said.
"You're right, Logan!" Bobby agreed, "And
we all know about the tension with him and Kitty's new boyfriend,
"I do not think Peter would hurt Kitty," Storm
said, rushing to Peter's defense.
"Well, let's see," Jean said, "There's Nightcrawler
and Amanda, every male on X-Factor and Shard . . . "
"NOT Forge!" Storm corrected angrily.
"Not MY sister!" Bishop corrected even more angrily.
"Dat might be kinda int'restin', her bein' a hologram
an' all . . . " Gambit said.
"Remy, I may trust you not to betray the X-Men, but
you had better not touch my sister!"
"Well, if she as ugly as you, you don' 'ave t'worry,"
Bioenergy crackled like wildfire. "Yes!" came simultaneously
from Bobby and Joseph.
"Stop it!" Scott said, "You may continue,
"Guido and Lila . . . Forge and . . . and . . . er .
. . >cough<"
"Goddess, no! Do not say another word, Jean!" Storm
"Mystique," Betsy finished snidely. Storm swooned.
"Stormy!" Gambit exclaimed, holding her up.
"Hey," Bobby said, "Maybe you and Storm oughta
"Yes, then perhaps you'd leave my Rogue alone!"
"YOUR Rogue?!" from Bobby and Remy, "She's
not YOUR Rogue!"
"Just a moment, mis compadres," Beast interrupted,
"Perhaps Remy and 'Roro do 'get together' in the future.
That could explain Bishop's familiarity with Remy!"
"The Witness was merely my adoptive father! I seriously
doubt . . . that . . . >gasp"What is it, Bishop?"
"My mother . . . I remember . . . she had . . . white
. . . hair . . . "
It was absolutely silent for about three seconds. Then Rogue
slapped Remy. Storm half-fainted. Bishop started crying.
"The jerk betrayed me! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanh!!!"
"I married a thief! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanh!!!"
"I'm half-white! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanh!!!"
"Er . . . Bishop," Warren said, "Didn't you
tell me that your parents weren't married?"
Storm went white as a ghost then slapped Remy. Just when
he was recovering, Rogue punched him. "Not only did ya'
have sex with mah best friend, but ya' got 'er pregnant an'
didn't even have the decency t'marry 'er!"
"I'm sorry, chére!" Remy called, hands over his
"Ah reckon y'all ought to apologize t' Storm, too!"
"Rogue," Jean chided, "That future isn't going
to happen, remember? We saw to that."
"Yeah well, he still ought to apologize for what the
other him did," Rogue moped.
"'m sorry, Stormy!" Remy whimpered, afraid Rogue
would hit him again.
Joseph and Bobby laughed and pointed at the cowering Gambit.
Until the ground began to glow and hiss beneath their feet,
"Stop that!" Scott commanded.
Remy stood up, glaring at Joseph and Bobby.
"Hmmmmmmm . . . " said Jean, "Jubilee and
Angelo . . . "
"Grrrrrrrrrrrr . . . " from Wolverine.
"Paige and Jonathan . . . "
"Brian and Amanda . . . "
"She is SUCH a bimbo," from Betsy. Everyone stared
at her incredulously.
"Nathan and Dom' . . . "
"I think that's about it," Jean finished.
"You forgot 'Rogue and Joseph,'" Joseph argued.
"'Rogue an' Joseph'? Dat sounds so stupid," Gambit
"It sounds better than 'Rogue and Remy'! At least we're
"Now that isn't fair," said Bobby, "Remy probably
doesn't know what 'alliterate' means."
"Neither do you, Robert," Hank corrected.
"What if one of our enemies were involved?" Warren
"Interesting quandary, Warren, but if we were to go
into that, the solution might be a bit long in forthcoming,"
"Well, let's see . . . " said Jean, getting fired
up again, "There's Apocalypse . . . "
Warren looked distinctly pissed -- no small feat for someone
already blue in the face.
"Isn't he dead yet?"
"Storm killed Candra . . . "
Relief flooded Remy's features.
"Infectia died of the Legacy Virus in August . . . "
Everyone stared at Hank as he burst into tears over still
not being able to find a cure.
"There's still Sinister to deal with . . . "
For a reason unknown to the rest of the team, Remy grabbed
Rogue's hand and pulled her close, earning him a venomous
look from Joseph and Robert. Gambit looked too scared to notice.
"Omega Red's not around so far as we know . . . "
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr . . . " from Wolverine.
"Marko's still out there . . . "
"I don' t'ink he could get out o' dat suit t' rape anyone."
"Ewwwwwww!" said Rogue, "How does he go to
"Maybe it's like a chastity belt," Bishop volunteered.
Everyone stared at him. Jean glared at them for interrupting
"They had chastity belts in your future?" Warren
asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.
"Of course! Everyone in the XSE had to wear them. I'm
still wearing mine. Wanna see?"
A resounding "NO!" from everyone else.
"Ah don't care how big an' strong the Juggernaut is,"
volunteered Sam, "That's one power I could do without."
"Speaking o' doin' wit'out, Sam, 'ow's Tabitha?"
Gambit asked, snickering.
"Now look here -- !"
"No, look here," said Bishop. Everyone screamed.
Several of the X-Men were struck blind at the sight of Bishop
in nothing but his chastity belt.
"Mah eyes!" from Rogue and Sam.
"Mon dieu!" from Gambit.
"My stomach!" from Scott.
"It's not that bad," said Bishop morosely, pulling
his pants back on.
"Ack!" cried Wolverine, twitching on the floor
as his healing factor kicked in to try to repair the psychological
damage that had been caused by the flashing.
"Is Fitzroy still around?" asked Jean, more to
herself than anyone else.
"Hey! Jeannie wasn't even phased!" Bobby exclaimed
"Guess when you seen Scott it don' get much worse, mes
"That's it, Remy. Kitchen detail."
"Ozymandias . . . "
"Is he the guy who bites the heads off of chickens?"
Betsy asked, suddenly interested.
"No, that's Creed," answered Bobby.
"It's rabbits, you idiots! Rabbits!" Logan shouted.
Everyone stared at him.
"Personal experience, sugah?" Rogue asked.
"Oh! And all the Marauders! Arclight -- Harpoon -- Vertigo
-- and um . . . uh . . . "
"Riptide and Scalphunter," Remy offered.
"Very good, Remy!" Jean said, obviously pleased
that Gambit had been paying attention.
"Remy, you were not a member of the team when we fought
against the Marauders. How is it that you know of them?"
asked Storm suspiciously.
"Uh . . . well . . . you see . . . "
Just then the mansion's communiqué link flared to life, displaying
a hazy picture of Nightcrawler. "Guten tag, mein freunds!
You did get ze transmission I sent earlier zis morning, ja?"
Everyone started shouting questions at the bewildered mutant.
"Mah poor brother!" Rogue sobbed.
"Kitty!" shouted Wolverine and Storm.
"Rachel!" crowed Jean.
Scott bellowed for quiet then turned to face Kurt. "We
received the transmission, all right, but it wasn't clear.
We don't even know who was raped."
"Raped?" Nightcrawler asked, "I did not say
zomeone vas raped! I said zat I needed Jean's recipe for crêpes!
Ve're having a birthday party for Kitty, and she's always
been fond of French foods. Perhaps if zis is a bad time .
. . "
"Oh no," Jean crooned maliciously, "This is
a perfect time. In fact, I think you should teleport here
right now; I'm afraid the transmission might go on the fritz
again and it would be better to give it to you in person."
"Vell, if you are all sure . . . "
"Perfectly," Scott returned. The gathered X-Men
gave him their most evil grins.
"So zen Storm zapped me with her lightning bolts,"
Kurt complained, massaging his singed fur. "And Jean
threw ze recliner at me! And don't even ask where Gambit put
his bo staff!"
Kitty looked at Kurt, her big brown eyes dripping with sympathy.
Big hanks of fur were missing where his foster-sister had
gotten a hold of him and there was a distinctive bald stripe
down the side of his chest where Cyclops had let loose with
one of his optic blasts.
"I'm just glad zat zere vill be no more civil strife
among ze teams," Kurt said. Kitty cast her eyes downward.
"Kitty, is zere anysing wrong?"
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