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Claremont's Return

Stories by Jaelle and Orla

The Rogue and Joseph Saga
"A Match Made..." - Joseph and Rogue travel to New York in her VW Bug, only to meet up with assorted X-Men and Avengers.
"Don't Feed Her After Midnight" - Joseph is taking Rogue out on a date, and Gambit advises him to take her to a special restaurant.
"The Clothes Maketh the Mutant" - Disgusted by his current wardrobe, Rogue takes an unwilling Joseph shopping.
"Ring the Bells and Throw the Rice" - Joseph pops the question, and the couple plans for their wedding as pandemonium sets in at the mansion.

"Age of Apocalypse: Bundle of Joy"
Magneto is all set to launch his all-out attack against Apocalypse -- and Rogue's expecting a baby.

"Gambit's Reasons Why Rogue Can't Marry Magneto"
A short dialogue between Gambit and Rogue. The title says it all.

"Rogue 1/2: Scent of a Mutant"
A crossover of sorts with the anime series "Ranma 1/2." Rogue falls into a mysterious spring and emerges as a skunk. The story sorta kinda has some basis in continuity. Sort of. Read it -- You'll laugh. A lot.

"A Short (and Somewhat Innacurate) History of the X-Men"
by Jaelle
The GenX kids, led by Jubilee, lead a hilariously skewed version of the X-Men's history.

"Too Many Alternative Futures (or, Mom, I Married an X-Man)"
The Summers family tree gets a whole lot bigger. It's wild. It's wacky. And it makes waaaaay too much sense.

Jaelle -
Orla -

Website: Insane Musings

The following story is the tragic result of what happens when you have two Rogue and Magneto fans living in the same house together whilst waiting (and waiting and waiting) for our favourite mutants to show up again. One of said authors is a complete Net junkie and has been lurking on xbooks for Some Time Now, the other one has been reading Hawk's Fanfic page for five straight hours. We have lived to tell this tale.
The story you're about to read is our idea of some of the events leading up to X-Men #55 and Avengers #401, with Joseph and Rogue travelling together to New York. However we've also included at the end our idea of what the future meeting with Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch and Gambit would be like, with a few others thrown in for good measure. (The horror, the horror).
We hope you enjoy the story. Comments, death threats and gifts of money will be accepted with varying amounts of glee.

A Match Made...?

Joseph bit his lip as he hit his head for the umpteenth time on the roof of Rogue's so-called car. They had been driving down this road for what seemed like foreer and had hit every pothole possible. It was time to speak up.

"Are you sure this road will get us to New York easier?"

Rogue gritted her teeth. Okay, so she had been expecting this comment since they started but that still didn't make it any easier to take.

"Ah never said it would be easier, Ah said quicker, easier did not come into the conversation."

"Still, I think that the motorway would have made it easier as well as being fast enough for our purposes. Besides, there would at least have been a few places of sustenance along the way."


The car stopped, Joseph narrowly escaped concussion from the dashboard, there was a profound silence from the drivers seat. Then Rogue opened her door, got out and stomped over to his side of the car. The door was nearly wrenched out of the frame. Joseph found himself confronting the most terrifiying sight he could remember (which wasn't much considering he only had a three month memory span). The sight of course, was an extremely angry Rogue.

"If you're all so clever with your directions sugah then why don't you do the driving?"

"Well there is a problem with that solution."

"Do tell."

"I don't remember learning to drive."

Another profound silence - for the space of two seconds.


"You're upset aren't you?"

"Gee Joseph, they sure picked you for keen observation."

Joseph decided that the best idea at this point was to back down. Rogue was obviously tired and she wasn't handling it very well. He had also noticed that she was slightly touchy about her car.

His door slammed shut and Rogue stamped back to her side.

"Ah take it that the long silence is an apology - or as close as y'all can get?"

"Uh ... yes."

"Good." She started the car up. It choked, shuddered and blew out blue smoke. Joseph sighed and braced for impact. The car lurched forward and continued bumping down the road. Neither spoke. Rogue sulked and so did Joseph, well, he preferred to think of it as brooding. Well, he thought, things couldn't get much worse than they are now.


"Rogue, I think we are being followed."

"What? Somebody else is crazy ... um I mean intelligent enough to take this road?"

"And they seem to be blinking lights at us."

"Uh oh."

"And making a funny sound too."

"Joseph, have you really forgotten that much or are you just trying to annoy me?"


Rogue sighed and pulled the car over, then checked her image in the mirror.

The officer got out of his car and walked over to Rogue's window. She wound it down and smiled her sweetest Southern smile at him.

"Is there a problem officer?" she inquired, trying to remember whether or not she's stuck the rear bumper back on again the last time it fell off.

"In a hurry ma'am?" asked the officer.

"Uh, sort of, mah ... husband and Ah are off to visit mah relatives in New York."

"Well you were fairly well over the speed limit just then."

"I wouldn't have thought it possible," muttered Joseph under his breath.

The officer continued, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to see your licence miss."

"Surely," smiled Rogue, "Just a minute." She turned to Joseph,

"Where did you pack my handbag sugah?"

Joseph looked confused, didn't Rogue remember that she'd put it in the glove compartment? He opened his mouth to say so but was quickly interrupted.

"No wait, don't tell me, yuh put it in the boot again didn't yuh? Do you mind if Ah just go and get it sir?"

The officer looked a little confused but nodded. Rogue smiled and started to get out of the car, "Come on honey, Ah need yuh to show me where yuh packed it."

The two got out of the car and after some effort got the boot open. The officer had backed off a bit and had his gun out now. Joseph leaned over to Rogue as she rummaged through the junk in the boot.

"Rogue, your purse is in..."

"Ah know where it is y'idiot!"

"Then why don't you just get it and give him your licence?" he asked puzzledly.

"Because ah don't have a licence!" Rogue snapped.

Joseph's eyes widened, "What do you mean you don't have a licence? How can you drive without one?!"

"Ah've never been pulled over before! It's your fault you jinx. We've gotta do somethin'."

"And quickly," added Joseph, "That police officer's getting suspicious."

"Great," moane Rogue, "Just great. Ah nearly defeated the Avengers, Ah've broken into the Pentagon, Ah've avoided traps set by Mag ... by incredibly powerful supervillains, and now Ah'm goin' to go to jail for driving without a licence!"

"Well perhaps if you explained the situation."

"Oh sure, 'Ah'm a mutant so I don't need a licence officer'. Nope, that would just get the friendly government on our backs."

"Talking of mutants, you could just knock him out."

"No! Unless you want to be had up for assault?"

"Fine," snapped Joseph, "You think of another way to get us out of this!"

Rogue promptly collapsed on the ground.

The officer rushed over to them, "What happened?"

Joseph stuttered for a minute, trying to gather his wits together, "I... I ... ow!" A sharp nudge from Rogue brought his mind to bear. "Well I ... oh no! It's the baby!"


"Oooh," moaned Rogue from the ground, "Oh no not again. Please don't let me miscarry again!"

"That's why we were going so fast!" said Joseph, "We were going to the hospital!"

The officer knelt beside Rogue, "I thought she said you were visiting relatives?"

"Uh, yes ... after we went to the hospital. She's so brave, always saying she's okay when she's not."

"That's me," quavered Rogue.

"Well, this puts a different light on things," said the officer, "You help your wife to the car Mr..."


"Lensherr!" hissed Rogue.

"Hmmmm?" the officer looked down at her, she moaned.

"Lensherr," answered Joseph, "Joseph Lensherr."

"Right, and I'll escort you to the nearest medical centre."

"Um, thanks."

"You'd better drive sir."

"Right." Joseph picked Rogue up and deposited her in the car. He got in the drivers seat and watched the officer go back to his vehicle. "Alright Rogue, how good are you at giving driving lessons?"

Rogue groaned, "We're doomed."

"Now I'm fairly sure that you turn the key to start this thing," said Joseph, oblivious, "and I think that this wheel and these pedals have something to do with it, but as for this stick here that you nudge occasionally I'm totally at sea..."

He heard Rogue muttering under her breath and stopped to listen, but only caught the tail end; " ... raise submarines and islands from the depths of the ocean but can't drive a car. Grrrr. ... okay then, we've only got one choice."

"Get out and fly away?" asked Joseph hopefully.

"Nope. Think you can nudge his engine a little?" asked Rogue.

Joseph nodded nad glanced at the officer's car. Inside it's engine, a few small leads and connections became unconnected. They watched as the officer tried to start his car, then walked back over to them.

"Darndest thing, can't seem to get the engine started. You better go on, I'll radio ahead for you."

"Thank you." said Joseph. The officer stepped back and Joseph turned the key in the ignition. The engine hacked once.

"Hold down the pedal on the left and push the stick up to the left," hissed Rogue. Joseph followed her instructions and the engine reluctantly came to life.

"Now ease your foot off the pedal and onto the one on the other side ... not the middle one!" Joseph did so, the wheels turned and the car slowly moved forward, "Now what?"

"Now you levitate us off the ground and down the road till he cain't see us," said Rogue, "Because Ah don't think I can take the stress required to teach you to change gears."

"Oh very well," said Joseph disdainfully, "I think there are enough metal particles left in the rust to do so." Ignoring Rogue's splutters, he 'drove' the car down the road.

"Can I stop now?"

"Yeah, he won't catch up with us anytime soon."

Joseph stopped the car and they swapped places. Rogue turned the key. The car gave a violent hiccup, lurched, and died.

"What happened?"

"This cain't be happenin' to me! It just ain't fair!"

"This car has failed on us hasn't it?"

"Failed? It's dead! It is deader than, than, well ... a dead thing! Mah car! Mah only car!"

"If you could cut the hysterics Rogue we might be able to figure out what is wrong."

"Hysterics?" Rogue's eyes narrowed into dangerous green slits, "Ah don't have hysterics."

"Alright, you're mourning for the car. Anyway, we need to fix it."

"See a mechanic anywhere?"

"Actually, at the orphanage with Sister Maria I did some fixing..."

"Good, fix this then."


Joseph opened the hood, a cloud of hot steam hit his face. "I think this has overheated."

"Really? And Ah thought it was more serious."

"You're not helping."

Rogue looked at the engine, "Well, Ah don't know how to fix it."

"Surprise! Neither do I."

"Perfect!" She lifted her backpack from the backseat and retrieved her purse. Joseph caught his pack as she threw it to him. Rogue headed down the road, "Are ya comin'?"

"You are not serouisly suggesting that we walk!"

"Ah ain't flying in this skirt!"

"It was your decision to wear one."

"Ah didn't expect this to happen!"

"What a surprise," muttered Joseph, "And shortsighted too considering this car."

"Joseph, it yuh don't shut up about mah car Ah'm gonna have to hurt you!"

Rogue stomped off in a huff. Joseph watched her go, her denim skirt flapping against her bare legs as she walked. He wondered suddenly, irrationally, how she'd look in green. The legs stopped and Rogue looked back at him.

"Well, are ya goin' to come with me? Or were you just plannin' on standin' there and enjoyin' the view?"

Joseph blinked and hurried to catch up.

"So what do ya think?" asked Rogue anxiously.

"If it were a horse, I'd shoot it," replied the mechanic.

"Great, Ah'm surrounded by comedians. If Ah'd wanted to be tormented like this, Ah'd have invited Remy along!"

Avengers HQ, New York City:

"Gambit!" exclaimed the Scarlet Witch in surprise.

Remy LeBeau, Gambit, smiled wearily, "Allo Wanda, ca va?"

"You look terrible!"

"Ah, it's so nice to know that I can still get a compliment from a pretty lady." Gambit said as he stumbled across the threshold.

"Wanda, how's at the door?"

"It's Gambit Pietro," Wanda told her brother as she closed the door. The mutant known as Quicksilver assessed the situation in a glance.

"Have another fight with Rogue, Gambit?" he asked snidely, Gambit flinched, "Oui, but that's not what I came here to talk to you about. I have to warn you, 'bout a fellow by the name of Onslaught."

"Onslaught!" exclaimed Wanda, "You mean that man Nate Grey was talking about?"

"Nate Grey?"

"A young man came to our mansion this morning to warn us about a powerful being named Onslaught," said Pietro, "He said he was very dangerous."

"He did? Where is he? Can I talk to him?"

"He left soon after. He said that he thought Onslaught would be arriving in the city soon and has gone to find him."

"Merde! Then we better go look for him ne?"

"By all means," said Quicksilver from behind him. Gambit swivelled to find that he was already outside, "Let us be on our way with all speed!"

"Start spreadin' th'news ... Ah'm leavin' today ... Ah'm gonna make th'best of it ... New Yoorrrk, New Yorrrrrrrrkkkk..." sang Rogue.

Joseph listened to Rogue's energetic, although slightly off-key, singing and sighed. Things were beginning to look up. The car was still being fixed, but the mechanic's borther Paul had offered to drive them into the city. Joseph doubted that this offer came from the kindness of Paul's heart considering the way he kept ogling Rogue. Joseph shifted uncomfortably, he was stuck in the back seat while Rogue sat in the front breathing much too deeply and showing much too much leg in his opinion.

"It's a wonder we don't crash the way he's eying her all the time," Joseph muttered.

"Did ya say somethin' J?"

"Um no, just thinking aloud, nothing important."

Rogue lifted her hair from the nape of her neck and heaved a sigh. Paul's eyes became riveted on her and Joseph fumed. "Watch the road!" he snapped.

"Wha..? Oh yeah."

The truck swerved and Joseph was thrown violently to one side.

His grey eyes narrowed and Paul began to frown and shake his head. "What's up sugah?"

"I ... I don't know," Paul rubbed his forehead, "S.. such a headache."

He pulled off the orad and buried his head in his hands. Joseph smiled smugly and got out.

"I think you've taken us far enough, thank you."

"Joseph! Cain't you see he's not well? We cain't just leave him here!"

"Um, no, I'm okay," Paul looked up, "It's gone."

Rogue lifted an eyebrow and gazed enquiringly at Joseph, "Instant migraine huh? Very interesting."

Joseph shrugged nonchalantly, "These things do happen."


"Are you sure this is as far as you want to go?" Paul leaned out of the window and grinned at Rogue, "I don't mind going further ... with you."

"I think you've gone far enough already!" Joseph blocked Paul's view, "We will be just fine."

"Uh ... but..."

"But what?"

Paul took one look at Joseph's eyes and decided not to push the matter. The girl was one heck of a looker, but being put in traction was not worth the effort!

"Ah take it you're gonna explain why you've had us dumped here on the outskirts of the city," said Rogue after Paul had gone.

"Well, we didn't really know where we wanted to go anyway."

"He wasn't bothered."

"I know that! All he cared about was staring at your ... your ... you know."

Rogue's eyes widened, "Do you mean to tell me that y'all don't like him cause he was starin' at me?"

"Well I ... uh..." Joseph looked everywhere but Rogue. Something that had seemed so clear before was fogging in his brain and felt quite embarrassed. Rogue however just smiled and sighed.

"That's so sweet of you Joseph."

"It is?"

"Mmm," she grabbed his arm, "Let's go find a place to stay."

"Yes, that's a great idea." He took her hand in his and looked into her eyes, "Then perhaps we might talk."

Rogue felt the heat of a blush creeping into her face and hated herself for it. She gulped nervously, "Um ... talk, yeah, sure."

Nate Grey wandered the streets of New York, his mind buzzing. He had to find Onslaught and confront him, but a part of him wished he could do it with friends like his old mentor Forge beside him. Still, as he wandered around he couldn't help but feel amazed by the great difference between this New York and the one of his time. People walked the streets unafraid (mostly) and there were no Infinites of Madri prowling around. However, the differences between his world and this didn't make it any easier to trust people. Those he knew as friends - the X-Men - were radically changed, and led by a man named Xavier, whom he just couldn't trust. As for Magneto, well, there was no sign of _him_.

But perhaps I can find him, Nate thought. He might help, after all, he does exist. Rogue knew of him. And besides, that psychic link between us must still work - I hope.

Nate ducked into an abandoned alleyway and prepared to take an astral journey, one that he hoped would lead him to Magneto. Suddenly he was in a room - a motel room by the looks of it, and he saw ... Rogue?

She was talking to a man whose back was to Nate. They were both seated at a small table and by the expression on Rogue's face they were discussing something important rather awkwardly. Nate slipped behind Rogue and took a look at the man. It was Magneto! At least ... Nate thought it was - this man looked much younger, about 25 or so. Nate frowned, this was too strange. He pulled himself back into his body and stood there for a few minutes debating on what to do.

Well, at least Rogue was there, he could trust her, so he might as well go meet up with her about Onslaught, and hopefully get her ... and the man ... it had to be Magneto ... to help him fight Onslaught. It was strange though, when they had first met Rogue she had laughed at the idea of being married to Magneto. Why where they together now?

Rogue stared down at the tabletop. It was rather plain and somewhat dirty but it was not that which was claiming her attention. The truth was she was shy and embarrassed.

How'd Ah get into this mess? She asked herself. We decide to talk, he comes to mah room, an' we both sit here in silence. Maybe it's time to tell him the truth about who he is ... but ... we just left so much unsaid the last time we met. Heck, every time we met an'...

I wonder what she's thinking, thought Joseph, she's frowning. That's a shame, she's so pretty. Unthinking, his left hand reached out to smooth the wrinkles from her brow.

The next thing he knew, he was flat on his back on the floor.

"Don't!" yelled Rogue, "You know y'can't touch me!"

"What? Why not? Do you think I have 'cooties' or something?" snapped Joseph in surprise.

"You know damn well Ah..." Rogue's voice trailed off and she tried to remember if she'd mentioned her mutant power to Joseph on the way to New York.
"Sorry," she apologised, "Ah guess y'don't know."

Joseph sat up, "Then would you mind explaining?"

"It's mah mutant power ... whenever Ah touch someone flesh to flesh, Ah automatically absorb all their powers and memories."

"Sooo ... so that's why you always wear gloves?" asked Joseph, "But ... what about shields?"

"Huh? Oh telekinetic shields? Well Ah guess so but..."

"No, I meant bio-magnetic shields like this one." Joseph reached out and before Rogue could move, placed two fingers on her nose, "Got your nose," he teased gently.

Rogue froze ... nothing happened.

"You ... wha...?" Joseph's fingers were warm. Gently his hand moved to cover her cheek. Rogue put one hand up to cover his.

"It's something I invented to keep the bugs and mosquitos off without attracting attention from other people," Joseph explained. Rogue looked at him and she felt like her heart would explode in joy.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!" she burst into tears, throwing herself at Joseph.

Stunned, he patted her hair, "It's alright." He held her in his arms and rocked her gently.

Nate Grey, once again astrally eavesdropping, couldn't help but smile. ... obviously things hadn't changed much from his world. Maybe they'd had an argument last time he saw her.

After Rogue had calmed down, she and Joseph leant back a little and smiled at each other.

"I'm sorry for trying to touch you earlier," said Joseph, "But you just looked so ... upset."

"Ah was just rememberin' the first time we ... really connected," said Rogue, remembering their time in the Savage Land together.

"What? When you knocked me through three walls?" asked Joseph, remembering the painful events of X-Men Unlimited #11.

"Er..." said Rogue. Now's the perfect time, her mind said, ya can tell him about himself now! "Now quite. Look Joseph, Ah know we said we should talk, but right now Ah feel more like having fun! Let's go out, get something to eat and go dancing!"

Joseph was a bit surprised at this, but Rogue looked so happy that he couldn't keep from smiling. "That ... sounds good."

"So let's go!"

"Okay, if you were a superstrong superbeing ... where would you hang out?"

"Stupid questions are not going to get us anywhere Gambit."

Quicksilver was rapidly tiring of his Cajun companion. Wanda, noticing the danger signs, interceded.

"Perhaps it would be better if we went somewhere, sat down and pooled our various ideas? Then we might be able to think of the possible location of Onslaught or Nate."

Quicksilver shrugged, "That could work."

"Fine by me mon amis. I t'ink I might just contact de other X-Men also, dey need to know what' goin' on over here."

"Mmmmmm, you know, when you think about it. It is rather silly, the three of us wandering around the city looking for a supervillain."

"It's better than just sitting on our hands Wanda," said her brother, "At least I feel like I'm doing something."

"Dat's de way to look at it," Gambit slapped Quicksilver across the shoulders, "Now we get somethin' to eat an' plan our strategy."

"Gambit, if you touch me again we will be making a strategy without you."

"This is nice." said Joseph, smiling across the candlelit table at Rogue. She looked lovely in her red dress, he thought, perhaps after dinner they could...

"Thanks for the compliment," Rogue smiled back, "It's been a long time since Ah went out to dinner on a date."

"Oh? When was the last time?"

Rogue looked away, "Ah'd really rather not talk about it if'n you don't mind."

Joseph reached across and took her hand. "Rogue, listen. I know there are some things about my past you are reluctant to tell me, but there is something about the two of us that you're not telling me." He gripped her hand tighter, "Were we ... together before? Did we have a relationship?"

"Ah ... Ah ... guess you could call it that."

"What happened?"

"Oh, the usual things Ah guess. Different ideas and feelings about things." Rogue blinked away the tears that were threatening to fill her eyes. "B-but that's over now, Ah mean, we're together now."

"Yes," Joseph stood and pulled her to her feet. "I won't ask anymore, you'll tell me when you are ready."

"Ah will, soon, Ah promise. It's just ... complicated."

"Don't worry about it anymore," Joseph shrugged. "If I was as bad as you suggested then maybe I am better off not knowing and just starting a new life." With you, he added silently.

Rogue smiled, "Would you like to dance?" She asked, to cover the silence that followed.

Joseph listened to the romantic music that had begun, and watched the couples filling the dance floor.

"I'd love to Rogue, but..."


"I don't remember how to dance."

Rogue laughed, "It don't matter though, whatever's needed, that's what we'll do."

"Why do I have the feeling you've said that to me before?" asked Joseph, as they moved onto the dance floor.

"Next time Quicksilver, I am choosing the restaraunt," said Gambit.

"If you two weren't so slow we'd have been there by now!" retorted Quicksilver.

What have I done to deserve this? thought Wanda.

"Look, I ain't walking much further," snarled Gambit, "Why don't we just wait for the rest of de X-Men an'..."

"Look, there it is!" pointed the Scarlet Witch.

"Good, now stay watchful," said Quicksilver.

"What, you tink we gonna find de world's greatest supervillain in dis restaraunt?" asked Gambit in exasperation..

Just at that moment, the restaraunt door opened and a familiar woman stepped out, followed by a familiar man.

"Oh my God."

"Ah've had a really good time," said Rogue.

"I have enjoyed myself also. I think this might be the happiest moment of my life, which admittedly isn't saying much when I can only remember the last three months but still I ... I..." Lost for words, Joseph gave up and kissed her. Rogue leant into the kiss and the two stood there for a long moment.

"Gaaah..." Gambit's hand flew to his heart. Wanda was gaping and Quicksilver's eyes had unfocused.

"I tink I having a heart attack," said Gambit weakly.

"Pietro? Pietro? Are you alright? Can you hear me Pietro?" Wanda shook her brother.

"De shock, it turn his hair white!"

"It's always been white you buffoon!" yelled Wanda. "Gambit? Now what? Bad enough to see my father alive, and Rogue with him, but..." she turned to see what had made Gambit go white.

"They're kissing," she said weakly.

Joseph finally broke off the kiss. Rogue leant against him and he put his arms around her, the two of them enjoying the feeling of completeness. He stared into the distance, and then frowned. "I don't think much of the famous New York 'blindness' to strange things. Those three people over there are staring at us. As though we were the unique ones instead of them in their funny clothes."

"'Funny clothes'?" asked Rogue.

"Mmmm ... the woman is wearing a strange black and red outfit, one of the men is wearing a blue and white outfit with lightning bolts on it and the other man is carrying a staff and wearing a trenchcoat."

"Ah. Joseph, fly up."


"Fly up! NOW!"

They got about two feet into the air before Quicksilver snapped out of his daze and tackled them.

Sprawled on the street, Joseph glared at the man whose features so closely resembled his. He opened his mouth to say something when he was preempted by the arrival of a young boy with blonde hair and a blazing eye. The other two strangers came running up.

"Rogue!" yelled the boy, "I'm glad you're here, we need you and Magneto to help fight Onslaught. But I'm confused about something, I thought you said that you weren't married to Magneto, and yet here you are with him."

The world stopped. Ordinary service will be restored momentarily.


The word came from four throats, each with varying percentages of emotion, but all completely astonished.

"Oh no," groaned Rogue, "Nate, you have a big mouth."

Joseph looked up at her wildly, "M-married! How could you not tell me? Is this what's been bothering you all this time?"

"Joseph, we are not married," hissed Rogue through gritted teeth. She looked over at Remy, who looked like he had just been hit by a bus.

"Married?" he squeaked, "Rogue, why in hell did you get married to.. to HIM??!!"

"Oh God, Oh God, oh..." Wanda grabbed Quicksilver's arm, "D-did you hear?"

"My ears are working Wanda," said Quicksilver tightly, "I just don't want to believe it."

"Look, we are not married," insisted Rogue, "We're jus..." She was cut off by Joseph who stood and gripped her shoulders.

"I knew that you were special to me, and no wonder, if you're my wife!"

"Ah am not!"

"How could you chere? I know we got problems but..."

"WE ARE NOT MARRIED!" screamed Rogue.

"So what happened to your baby?" asked Nate, puzzled by their reactions and unaware that he was adding fuel to the fire.


"Not again," Rogue paused, "What baby?"

"We have a child?" Joseph gripped her tighter, "And you didn't say anything?!"

"He's from another universe!" said Rogue, "It's different there!"

"I still can't believe you would marry him in any universe!" cried Gambit.

"Ah don't believe it's any of your business who Ah marry Remy."

"Wanda, I think I'm going to kill him."

"Pietro -- murder is illegal remember? Besides, we can't make Rogue a widow!"

"Aaagh! My stepmother is ten years younger than me!"

"I keep telling you we're not..."

"What did he mean by stepmother Rogue?"

"Hey, don't you remember your own son?"

"Nate, shut up!"

"Son? How can I have a son older than me? Besides, he wants to kill me!"

"I can't believe you did dis chere."

"Will y'all quit it Remy?"

"Is he our son then Rogue?"


"Magneto ... father, I don't know what..."

"Father?? Rogue, how many children do I have?"

"Dis is a nightmare."

"Sure is Remy. Look Joseph, these two are Pietro and Wanda - your son and daughter by your first, and only, wife Magda. And this is Remy LeBeau."

"I remember that name ... Isn't he the one who...?"

"Yes well, we cain't go inta that now."

"I'm still going to kill him ... Wanda let go of me!"

"Pietro, be reasonable, he's one of the most powerful mutants in the world!"

"I don't care!"

"I won't let you commit suicide!"

"Will someone please tell me what is happening here?"

"You just caused world war three, that's what ya done sugah."


"I have a few things to say to you Remy LeBeau."

"Feel free mon ami, but I talk wit de cards!"

"Hey, there's a bunch of people coming down the street - with X's on their costumes."

"Nate, tis is not the time to joke, Ah've gotta ... oh mah God, it is the X-Men!"

"Good! Maybe dey can talk some sense into ya!"

Storm, Iceman and Wolverine reached the group.

"By the Bright Lady! Magneto! Alive and well! And Rogue!"

"Alive and NOT well." added Remy. "Storm, ya gotta help her, she's insane!"

"Worse, she's MARRIED!" yelled Quicksilver.

"Married Skunk? Who to?"

"Ah'm not..."

"MAGNETO!!" yelled three voices.


"What's wrong wit Iceman?"

"He's fainted you fool!"

"Joseph grabbed Rogue's hands, "Rogue, our baby ... you didn't really lose it did you?"

"Youre PREGNANT!" shrieked Gambit, "But ya can't touch ... how could you..."

"None of your business!" yelled Joseph.

Snickt. "You knocked my teammate up bub? Talk about adding insult to injury."

"Do I know you?"


"Oh God, we didn't plit up because I'm gay did we?"

"You're not pregnant! Ah mean ... you're not gay!"

"Oh good."

"And you ain't married neither!"

"Wanda will you please let go of me!"

"Ugh ... Rogue ... married? I knew I shouldn't have left you alone after you split up with Remy."


"Pietro calm down!"

"Rogue, surely you can see that this relationship will never work?"

"Yeah Rogue, it's not too late for a divorce!"

"How dare you talk to my wife like that in front of me?"

Jean Grey floated down to the street, "I've alerted X-Factor to the Onslaught crisis and they're dispatching two members now. In fact here they are now ... what's wrong? MAGNETO!"

"My name is Joseph!"

"He's married to Rogue, and she's pregnant!"

"Am not! Am not!"

"Rogue, I love you!"

"No, I do!"

"Me too, me too!"

"What ... Bobby?"

Pietro shook Wanda off and tapped Joseph on the shoulder, "My name is Pietro Maximoff Lensherr. You are my father. Prepare to die."

"Oh no Petey, he's mine."

"Stuff it Gumbo, I got dibs."

"Keep your hands off my wife!"

"I was just telepathically checking that the baby was healthy and Rogue ... you're not pregnant."

"Ah know that, tell them! Tell them!"

"Then, don't tell me you had an abortion? Oh my love, it's because we split up isn't it?"

"Ah did not have an abortion!"

"Why not?" asked Mystique, wandering up.

"Because Ah'm not ... Mystique! At last, someone sane. Ya gotta tell these guys, tell them that Ah'd never do something like marrying a supervillain and then havin' his kids ... You know me betta than they do."

Everyone looked at Mystique.

Mystique looked at Sabretooth.

Mystique put her arm around Rogue, "Are you sure you don't want to reconsider this abortion thing? Trust me, kids are nothing but trouble."

The argument resumed.

"By the way Rogue, why are we talking about marriage and childbirth and why is Magneto with you?"

"Ya managed to fir that all inta one breath Raven? Impressive."

"Victor, go and play with a speeding train."

"This is too much," wailed Rogue. "Ah think Ah'm gonna cry."

Joseph put an arm around her, "It will be alright dear." He glared at the assembled company, "Are you happy now?"

"Hey, dis isn't my fault!"

"Right, you're the one who hurt her originally! I should tear your heart out!"

The air crackled with magnetic energy.

"Stop it both of you," cried Storm. "This is not the time to indulge in personal vendettas."

"Imagine, my baby girl causing all this. What a way she has with turning men inside out! I've taught her so well, I'm so proud."

"You're a sick woman Mystique."

"Thanks for the compliment Iceman."

"Wanda, he's not answering my challenge! He's going to fight Gambit instead!"

"Good! Maybe you'll live a little longer!"

"Now if we could all calm down and ... Wolverine! Would you please stop growling? What is wrong with you anyway?"

"Can't decide Ororo, do I kill Mags first or pop off Creed?"

"Ya can't kill me runt, I'm working for Uncle Sam now?"


"Logan! Everyone! Please, we have to focus on the Onslaught problem."

Jospeh broke off his staring competition to look at Jean in puzzlement.

"Who is Onslaught?"

"The biggest, baddest supervillain this side of history." answered Iceman.

"I thought that was me."

Rogue sniffed, "So you remember?"

"No, but from the way everyone is reacting it was a natural assumption."

"Well for me you led the X-Men."

"That happened a long time ago," said Storm. She looked curiously at Nate, "Who are you anyway?"

Gambit chose this opportunity to strike. His fist hit Joseph's face, knocking him back, and making him let go of Rogue. Gambit grabbed Rogue's hand, "Now Chere, you an' me are gonna have words."

Rogue promptly slapped his face.

Mystique leaned against a car, "Nothing like a good soap opera to get the day started."

Joseph got to his feet, "I've had enough of you Remy LeBeau." He lifted his fist, magnetic energy condensed around it.

"Oh my God," cried Wanda, "He's going to kill Gambit!"

"Well normally I wouldn't argue," said Quicksilver, "But in this case.."

"Joseph, watch out!" cried Rogue.

Joseph leapt aside just as Pietro rushed him.

"I've waited a long time for this father. Thanks to you my life has been a mess, my wife and daughter have suffered..."

"I'm a grandfather also?!"

"See Rogue, ya can't make this relationship work! He's too old for you!"

"Ah - don't - care!"

"This is not going to resolve easily," murmured Storm, "Logan please, you can't attack anyone now."

"Just gonna help the Cajun, what's wrong with that?"

"Alright, how old am I supposed to be?"

"Well," said Iceman helpfully, "According to the last estimation I think it was sixty-odd."


"Yeah, you cradle-snatcher!"

"Gambit, you're not helping!"

"I don't wanna be helpful! Here I am, in love with Rogue, and it turns out she's got a husband! I think that's despicable!"

They all stared at him, "Uh Gambit, you do remember Bella Donna don't you?"


"Who's Bella Donna?"

"His wife.."

"You.. you.. adulterer!"

"Joseph, she's dead."

"Not that that ever means much around here," muttered Wanda.

"So now that he's lost his wife, he's moving in on mine?"

"We're not ... oh what's the point?"

"Belle meant everythin' to me!" howled Gambit.

"So this is why you left her on your wedding day and started going out with Rogue?"


"Well it's true, he's scum!"

"Finally! Someone who agrees with me on this." said Joseph.

"Will you pay attention to me for once in your life?" yelled Quicksilver.

"I agree," said Wanda, "You've lied to us, you've ignored us, tried to kill us..."

Joseph blinked, "I have?"

"Yes you have!" roared Quicksilver.

Mystique chuckled, "Oh Rogue, I'm so happy for you. But I have to admitoating above was so familiar. Storm tried to work out what the hell was going on.

"Hey Rogue, that kid has a stripe in his hair, is he your son?"


Suddenly a shadow fell across them all. A mighty armoured figure loomed above.


The assembled people froze. Friend and foe alike they faced him, united in their words...





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