The Myth. The Legend. The Badly Dressed Action Figure.

Ninja Iceman
by ValKerrie

Hee hee.

Don't feel bad about not having heard of Ninja Iceman. It's ... well, it's part of the Miasma of Ridiculous Fortune surrounding Bobby.

I can't even remember where I first heard of Ninja Iceman, but I'm pretty sure it was back when we used to hang out on the (un)frozen message boards. Anyway, do you happen to remember back when they used to make these 11" X-Men Figures? (Like, the size of Barbie dolls) Even if you don't ... just know that they did.

And then ... some marketing exec whom I sincerely hope has been sacked, had a brilliant idea. Ninja X-Men! He said. We shall have Ninja X-Me! And thus was born the unholy triad of Ninja Wolverine, Ninja Rogue ... and Ninja Iceman.

He's basically a repainted Silver Surfer action figure wearing a smock that rides up his ass and a mask he can't see out of and is too big for his head so they stuffed a packing peanut into it. (Really. He comes with the packing peanut. I haven't had the heart to take it out.)

But what's WORSE is the ridiculous "story" they put on the packaging. Supposedly, all the X-Men are captured by ... shoot, Silver Samurai or something (my box is at home) and they don't have their powers. So Wolverine busts out and frees Rogue and Iceman, and with their highly trained ninja skills and mutant powers, they beat up SS and free the X-Men! And then SS escapes. (Hey, remember the part of the story where they all lost their powers? Apparently the person who wrote it didn't. The entire thing is about 5 sentences long. I don't know how they could've lost track. But then again, the Superfriends people once drew Green Lantern with 3 arms, so I can't really complain.)

So, to make a long story short, he's kinda garnered fame as the Most Pointless Action Figure Ever. I don't know why Ninja Rogue hasn't achieve the fame Ninja Iceman has, but maybe it's the bad eyeshadow. We kinda go through phases of Ninja mocking (same with Opal mocking, scar mocking, etc, etc) As far as I know, I'm the only one who actually owns one (he sits in my jade tree and has this little scarf my roommate crocheted for him wrapped around his head) but they do pop up on eBay pretty frequently for less than $10, if you're looking to own. Didn't someone else get one? I swore someone else got one.

One of these days, I'm going to dress up one of my Barbies like Lev and Ninja Iceman will get some booty, or at least a nice little red handprint on his face.

I actually have taken a picture of him, and if I can ever find enough other stuff to take pictures of so I can get the film developed, he's getting his own section on my webpage.

But in the meantime ... well ... there you go.

Ninja Iceman. He has articulated ankles.

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