 Mystery
Science X-Men Theater 3000:
Original by...lets just say that it's one
of those "Make Money Fast" posts.
Born in a blur of too little sleep and too much
spam... I could have spent another week tinkering with this and making it better (or
weirder!), but I decided to go ahead and get it out of my way and give y'all a few cheap
laughs. Brace yourselves, kids: I'm considering finally going public with The Big
One...some of you know what I mean...mwah hah hah!
Obligatory disclaimer: Your mutant hosts belong to
Marvel, duh; the MST3K name and concept belong to those nice boys in Minnesota, the Best
Brains, who will at long last be premiering their new episodes on the Sci-Fi Network on
February 1, 1997! Huzzah! (Unless this is on an archive when you read this, in which case,
uh, well, as THE Green Lantern Guy Gardner would say, "Fugeddabowdit.") I'm not
sueworthy, really -- no money is being made from this little piece of goofiness and no
harm is meant in the writing of it, except to the perpetrators of these freakin' money
schemes, who deserve every ounce of suffering I can hex in their direction. Pah! Eat hot
fiery death, student@concentric.net!!!
Feedback would be appreciated by my ego, which
resides at kielle@subreality.com under the cunning guise of,
well, me. If ya want it on your archive (hey, you never know!), ask me first. And yes! You
too can sit around do this with your friends! Just rent "Highlander II" or
"Carnosaur" or "Star Trek V" and awaaaay you go!
.-=K=-.
On a rare peaceful evening at 1407 Graymalkin Lane,
Salem Center, Westchester, New York (yes, the author has the addy memorized!), two
out-of-spandex X-Men make themselves at home on a comfy living-room sofa...
ROGUE: Okay. Lemme get this straight. We jes' set heah
an' make fun'a this?
BOBBY: Yeah, that's the general idea. It's fun, you'll like it.
ROGUE: An' you say folks get paid f'r doin' this...?
BOBBY: Weeeelllll...not much. But they're Minnesotans -- who can tell why they do
anything?
(Jean enters with popcorn.)
JEAN: I hear you two are planning a MSTie.
BOBBY: Sure, just a short... (does a double-take) Uh...? Jean, YOU watch Mystery
Science Theater?
JEAN: (flumping onto the sofa next to Rogue) Oh, sure. I've got to have SOMETHING
to do late at night. Scott's out like a light at nine o'clock precisely.
BOBBY: Ouch.
ROGUE: (muttering) Well, at least it keeps him outta YOAH room, cutie.
(Bobby blinks foolishly for a moment and then turns
hot red from ear to ear.)
BOBBY: WHAT?! Oh, come ON! That's not true! We've been
over that! You promised you wouldn't make fun any more!
ROGUE: (playfully) When THEY stop fanficcin' 'bout it, Ah'll stop teasin'...
JEAN: Shush, you two, here it comes. How bad is it?
BOBBY: Not quite "Deep Hurting," but it should be fun.
JEAN: Oh good. (mischieviously) Just follow our lead, "Sabine."
ROGUE: Oh now cut that rahgt out.
BOBBY: Shhh, here it comes.
Subject: I Didn't Believe It!...but it works!
JEAN: I've gone for a b-cup to a double-d, and all thanks
to WONDER BREAD!
From: student@concentric.net
Date: 13 Oct 1996 01:22:06 GMT
JEAN: GMT? Hmmm...
ROGUE: Uh, "Give Me Twinkies"?
BOBBY: That's it, you've got it!
Message-ID:
(student-1210962121590001@cnc083039.concentric.net)
I'M NOT JOKING THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY
BOBBY: (robotic voice) WE COME IN PEACE GIVE US
YOUR WOMEN
BUT, DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT JUST TRY IT. IT ONLY
TAKES A FEW MINUTES.
BOBBY: So does the electric chair.
ROGUE: If'n yoah lucky.
I saw an article in an internet newsgroup telling me I
could
make $50,000 within a month for an investment of only $5. I
thought it was a huge joke.
ROGUE: Kinda like the Dole campaign.
I spoke to my other college friends,
BOBBY: ...all two of them, plus the lunch lady...
and they all agreed it was some kind of scam. I can't
stand
scams, because usually someone gets burned, and I didn't want
it to be me.
JEAN: (Monty Python) "But I'm not a real
witch!"
Of course, I rejected the idea at first. after a short
period
of about two weeks, I thought:
JEAN: "Maybe I SHOULD shave my chest...I
dunno..."
ROGUE: Huh? What does that have to do with...
JEAN: It's called a "non-sequitur."
BOBBY: In other words, she's just being weird to get a laugh.
ROGUE: Like Ross Perot?
BOBBY: Bingo.
"I have already heard of such things. But on the
Internet?!?!?".
BOBBY: You mean there's something on the 'Net OTHER than
badly-faked nude pix of Marina Sirtis...?
I decided that even if I had to throw $5 into the
fire, I
wouldn't mind it that much, and gave it a try.
JEAN: (snort of disbelief) People like this keep
the Swaggarts alive and well-coiffed.
After all I needed a LOT more than five dollars.
ROGUE: Yeah, them-there lobotomy bills c'n be a real
bitch.
(Jean starts snickering and claps a hand over her mouth)
One week later, I began receiving money -- every day!
I could
not believe it! Soon, hundreds, and then thousands of dollars
began to roll in. Within 6 weeks, I had received a total of
$47,326! It came from everywhere in the world. My bank account
has changed its "-" into a big "+" (++++)!!!
BOBBY: My social life, however, is now a REALLY big
"-" (-----)!!!
If you follow the three steps below, there is no
reason why
the same shouldn't happen to you! This is a legitimate
investment opportunity. You invest $5, and you receive
ROGUE: A swift boot t'the head! Well, in a just world,
anyway.
a return on your investment. So does the next
investor. NOT
ILLEGAL, NOT A CHAIN LETTER-PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE.
BOBBY: I am NOT illegitimate! I can read just fine!
ROGUE: Lordy, boy, ya sound jes' lahke one'a my
cousins...
If you are not interested, then don't participate, but
please
print this article and pass it on to someone who may be
interested, so they can take advantage.
JEAN: Alienate your few remaining friends from the
comfort of your own computer! It's fun, and EASY!
The procedure is simple:
BOBBY: First a year of hormone treatments, and then the
surgical removal of the--
ROGUE: BOBBY--! (whaps him with a couch pillow)
BOBBY: (grins and throws his hands up defensively) Okay, all right, sorry,
sorry...
1) Write your name and address, an e-mail address,
ROGUE: ANY e-mail address? Mm! Hey Jean, what's Scott's
AOL screenname?
JEAN: Which one? His "official" name or the other four he uses for sneaking into
dirty back rooms?
ROGUE: Forget Ah asked. An' cancel mah account. Eww.
and the name of the newsgroup where you learned of
this on 5
sheets of paper
BOBBY: Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bunnyslippers.
--What? What are you both staring at?
Below that, write the words, "Please add me to
your list."
JEAN: Then set fire to your wallet. It accomplishes the
same thing AND it saves you the price of a stamp.
Fold $1 note or bank draft or money order in each
piece of
paper and
ROGUE: Pour milk into it! Well, Ah always DID wonder how
they did that trick.
send them to the following 5 addresses.: 1. Peter Wood
(All start snickering "huh huh huh" a la
Beavis & Butthead.)
16144 NE 105th Court
Redmond, WA 98052 USA
2. Landon
ROGUE: Hey, waitaminute, Ah thought he was dead...
#1 Lakeway Drive
Conroe, Texas 77304 USA,br
3. Beyond Technology
BOBBY: And Beyond The Need For Common Sense too,
apparently.
5641 Apgar Street
Houston, Texas 77032 USA
4. Daniel DeKonty
Lee College #88
ROGUE: Lahk Ah b'lieve that anyone in college would fall
for this kind of scam...
BOBBY: Hoh yeah right. Ever met a modern college student?
ROGUE: Er...nevah mind.
1120 N. Ocoee Street
JEAN: They named a street after a hog-call?
ROGUE: Eh, Ah could do bettah.
BOBBY: Ah...an "inbred" genetic talent, huh?
(An indignant Rogue rolls into his lap and smacks him again with that pillow, this
time holding it over his face until he squeals for mercy)
BOBBY: (gasping for air but grinning lasciviously) Oh, that was worth the
pain...
(Rogue belatedly realizes what he's getting at -- she yelps and literally flies out
out of his lap, blushing hotly. Jean is laughing hysterically.)
ROGUE: Ah'll kill you later, Drake.
Cleveland, TN 37320 USA
5. Don Noel
JEAN: I don't get it. What would the Godfather of
Christmas want with five lousy bucks?
222 NE Dogwood St #C103
Issaquah, WA 98027 USA
BOBBY: All five of these men are armed and dangerously
dumb! If you should spot one of these dimbulbs fools, do not, repeat, do NOT attempt to
apprehend them on your own! Simply alert our hotline at 1-800-FAT-CHANCE!
2) Now remove the top name from the list, and move the
other
four names up. In other words, #5 becomes #4 and so on.
JEAN: Got it? Simple math! Don't make me come over there
and do it for you, young man!
Put your name as the fifth one on the list. Use a
simple text
editor such as Notepad, in your "accessories" window (If you
have MS-Windows),or DOS editor. In fact, any editor will do.
(At the word "editor" all glance up
thoughtfully at the same patch of empty air over the screen...)
KIELLE: WHAT?! Ew! No way! Not for money!
3) Post the article to at least 200 newsgroups. There
are17,000,
so it shouldn't be hard to find that many.
JEAN: You'd be amazed how many of those 17,000 newsgroups
are devoted to Sailor Moon's panties or David Duchovny's ass.
Try posting to as many newsgroups as you can, and the
bigger
the newsgroup is, the more people are to see your message!
(general groan of horror)
BOBBY: My god, so THAT'S where all the spam comes from!
ROGUE: That does it. This man dies now. Slowly. Painfully. Artistically.
You are now in the an order services business, and
should
JEAN: Drown yourself for the good of the human race.
start seeing returns within a week or two. Of course,
the more
newsgroups you post to, the greater your return is.
BOBBY: Well, the greater the number of flames and
death-threats and mailbombs, at any rate...
If you wish to remain anonymous, you may use a
psuedonym, call
yourself "The Manager", "The Boss",
BOBBY: ..."The King Of All Media"...
ROGUE: ..."Die Fledermaus"...
JEAN: ..."The Artist Formerly Known As Prince"...
whatever but make sure your address is correct.
ROGUE: Oh, we can still findja, sugah...
BOBBY: This baby just dropped right off of the credibility meter, ladies.
Now, here is why the system works:
ALL: BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID!!!
-Of every 200 posts I made, I received 5 responses.
Yes, only 5.
BOBBY: 5. 5. 5-5-5. Can you remember that, people? 5.
F-i-v-e. Fiiiiiiiive. There'll be a pop quiz on this later.
You make $5 for every 200 posts with your name at #5.
Each
person who sent you $1 now also makes 200 additional postings
with your name at #4. ie. 1000 postings.
BOBBY: (bad cackling Wicked Witch Of The West
impression) Fly, my monkeys! FLY--!!! Ah-hah-hah-haaaaah!
On average therefore, 50 people will send you $1 with
your name
at #4. $50.
JEAN: And the other 950 will band together, track you
down, and hammer a stake through your heart to ensure that your evil never rises to haunt
the Internet again.
-Your 50 new agents make 200 postings each with your
name at #3
or 10,000 postings. Average return 500 people = $500. They make
200 postings each with your name at #2=100,000 postings=5000
return at $1 each=$5000.
ROGUE: (counting on her fingers and frowning) Uh...Bobby,
ya didn't say that we'd hafta do math ta keep up...no fair!
BOBBY: Just make like Jean and nod your head vaguely like you're following this schlock.
JEAN: I'm not nodding, I'm falling asleep. (drops her head to one side and lets out a
loud fake snore)
-Finally, 5,000 people make 200 postings with your
name at #1
and you get a return of $50,000 before your name drops off the
list.
JEAN: (imitating Rogue badly) Wahl, that should
jes'bout covah the bail an' youh medical bills, sugah.
AND THATS IF EVERYONE DOWN THE LINE MAKES
200 POSTINGS! Total income in one cycle=$55,000.
BOBBY: I'm an accountant and even MY head's hurting now.
Rogue, are you okay?
(Rogue is either laughing hysterically or crying into a cushion. She waves a hand
weakly at him as if to say "Nevah mind me, continue")
BOBBY: Er. Maybe this WAS a bit cruel for a first MSTie...
JEAN: Ten points, Bobbo.
From time to time, when you see your name no longer on
the list,
you take the latest posting that appears in the newsgroups, and
send out another $5, and put your name at #5, and
ROGUE: Do the macarena wearin' only whipped cream an'
cherries! Well, that's the ONLY way Ah can see for ya t'humiliate y'self a bit more.
start posting again. Remember, 200 postings is only a
guideline.
the more you post, the greater the return. Lets review why you
should do this.
BOBBY: See? See?! And you thought I was kidding about the
pop quiz!
THE ONLY COST IS $5. Anyone can afford $5 for such an
effortless
investment with such SPECTACULAR RETURNS.
JEAN: Bricks?
ROGUE: Nah, he's up to pipe bombs an' dead skunks.
Some people have said to me, "what happens if the
scheme is
played out and no one sends me any money?
ROGUE: Ah don't answer them, Ah jes' start polishin' mah
favorite gun Betsy an' grinnin' like a loon. Them nosy folks usually shut up an' back away
real slow-like. Ah cain't unnerstand why.
"Big Deal, so you lose $5-but what are the
chances of that
happening ?? Do you Realize that NOBODY cares for the LEGAL
chance of winning such a BIG money as 50,000.00 $$$$ ????
JEAN: Urk. His grammar's starting to give me a rash.
BOBBY: (with utterly false innocence) Hey, I'll bet ten bucks that Gambit somehow
"picks up" the same rash by tomorrow morning.
(Now it's Jean's turn to wham Iceman, this time burying him under the nearest
beanbag.)
and all for a microscopic investment of five separate
dollars?
BOBBY: (spitting out beanbag beans) Oh, durrr,
and here I thought they had to be all stuck together an' stuff...
just think of all of the new Internet users that join
the net
every day!!!
JEAN: Yes, please do! Maybe the sheer numbers will send
you off into a trance like Little Miss Perfect Monet and we'll be rid of-- (She claps
her hand over her mouth and turns red) Oh I'm SO sorry, that was mean...
ROGUE: Naaaaah, join the club.
There are millions of internet users, and millions of
new net
surfers every month !!! This is the great plus of the Internet,
people all over the world can hear you and listen carefully if
you talk reasonably.
BOBBY: Ohhhh...no, that's TOO easy. I do have my pride,
you know.
Everyone will take that chance ! I agree, If it wasn't
the
Internet, and was a small circle of people,
ROGUE: ...ya wouldn't dare pull such a piece of royal
rudeness 'cuz they'd be able ta tar an' feather ya within an hour of its release.
BOBBY: Yeah -- you don't see Amish folks passing around ye olde chaine letters, do you?
the chance wouldn't have been so small. the amount of
money had
to be 200 times bigger, and the chances were zero. It wouldn't
succeed.
BOBBY: Uhhhh...um...what?
JEAN: Stephen Hawking he is NOT.
But here, on the Internet, it is a giant village,
BOBBY: Village Of The Giants?
ROGUE: Village People?
(Jean makes an eye-rolling "lame joke" face)
BOBBY: Sorry, Jeannie, we're running low here...
where new thousands of members join in every day ! you
CAN'T
lose !!!!
BOBBY: Because hey, you're ALREADY a loser!
Remember- read the instructions carefully, and play
fairly.
That's the only way this will work. Get a printout so you can
refer back to this article easily. Try to keep a list of
everyone that sends you money
JEAN: Because they're probably dumb enough to leave their
houses and cars unlocked at night, too. Remember, folks: EASY MONEY!
and always keep an eye on the postings to make sure
everyone is
playing fairly. You know where your name should be.
BOBBY: On the back of a milk carton.
REMEMBER-HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.
ALL: (clutching their ears and writhing as if suddenly
deafened by the shouting) AAAAH! OW! ARGH!
YOU DO NOT NEED TO CHEAT THIS IDEA TO MAKE MONEY!!
BESIDES, NOT PLAYING THE GAME FAIRLY IS ILLEGAL.SO
LET'S BE REASONABLE AND PLAY FAIRLY,SO WE CAN ALL
ENJOY THE INTERNET GOLD MINE.
JEAN: Oh! So can we shoot claimjumpers...?
ROGUE: Shootin's too quick.
GOOD LUCK FOR YOU ALL, And remember, play fair and
you'll win,
I don't want to mention what might happen to those who won't.
ROGUE: Ewwww, no, not the pit fulla hyenas an' vasoline!
BOBBY: Hey! And you looked funny at ME about the bunnyslippers line--!
AND AGAIN,SEE YOU NEXT TIME WITH SOMETHING YOU
WANTED FOR A LONG TIME !!!
ROGUE: A heart!
JEAN: A brain!
BOBBY: Da noive!
BISHOP: This guy's head on a stake.
BOBBY: Hey Bish! How long have been standing there?
BISHOP: Long enough.
ROGUE: Why don't you come on in an' join us, shugah?
BISHOP: No thank you...it's almost over anyhow.
The opinions expressed in this message are my own
personal
views and do not reflect the official views of Microsoft
Corporation
BOBBY: Of course, Microsoft's official policy is more in
tune with that of Pinky and the Brain.
ALL: GoodBYYYYE NURSE!
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