DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters. They belong to either Marvel Comics or George Lucas. Don't sue me. I'm poor.
What if the X-Men had played in the new Star Wars: Episode I movie. I don't feel like doing the whole movie. You know how long the movie is so I'll cut to the chase and get to the interesting part: the lightsaber duel. A slight twist at the end.
This comes from listening to the Star Wars Episode I soundtrack for too long. Warning, this little tale makes absolutely no sense. It's a random act of silliness. Don't look for anything profound.

The Phantom Menace (with the X-Men): Take Two
script scene rewrite by Link

Obi-Wan = Robert Drake
Darth Maul = Darth Maul (no one can play his part but him, so there)


The doors slide open to reveal the menacing figure Darth Maul. He's dressed all in black with horns sticking out of his head. He's the bad guy. He stands ready with his ultra-cool red lightsaber. Scott and Bobby pull out theirs and dump their robes. People in background leave so the really neat stuff can happen.

SCOTT SUMMERS: All right people. Let's go.
ROBERT DRAKE: Um, Scott, there's only two of us. Are you sure we can take this guy?

Scott and Bobby ignite their lightsabers and battle. Lots of swinging, turning, and jumping occur. Darth Maul has no trouble fighting them at the same time. He's not even breaking a sweat. They arrive at the funny place with lots of high platforms. Scott tries to take a shot with his optic blast, but Maul deflects with his ultra-cool red lightsaber. The shot ricochets and hits Bobby instead, knocking him off the platform. He falls.

ROBERT DRAKE: Thanks a lot!
DARTH MAUL: Grrrrr… You're cheating.

(Of course, George Lucas doesn't consider it cheating when they were fighting two against one, but hey, Darth Maul gets to wield the ultra-cool red lightsaber!)

More swinging, turning, and jumping occur. Scott is holding his own against Darth Maul without Bobby's help. In fact, he's doing even better alone. Bobby hits the platform below and then wonders how to get back up.

(Anybody figured out where they were or what the red force fields were used for?)

More swinging, turning, and jumping occur. Amazingly enough, Scott is still alive after all this time. Bobby uses his ice slide to get back to where the action is. He chases after Scott and Darth Maul, but runs smack into the red force field. He falls off the platform.

ROBERT DRAKE: Ahhh…. Not again!

Meanwhile, Scott and Darth Maul are separated by a red force field and they take a break. Scott kneels down and mediates. Darth Maul calls his agent.

Bobby gets back to the red force fields a second time and waits for them to open. The red force fields open and Scott and Darth Maul fight again. Bobby races through only to run into another red force field. He doesn't fall off the platform.

SCOTT SUMMERS: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down, I will be even more powerful than before.
DARTH MAUL: Grrrrr…. Says you.

Thinking that he could somehow save his master, Bobby freezes the floor beneath Darth Maul. Darth Maul sensing such an obvious ploy, leaps off the floor. Unfortunately Scott, (the Force isn't with him) slips and falls into the deep deep pit with no bottom.

SCOTT SUMMERS: That's it. You're not my apprentice any more, Bobby!
ROBERT DRAKE: Oops! Sorry.

Scott is out of the movie forever. Bobby waits impatiently for the last red force field to open. Darth Maul calls his mother. The red force field open and they fight. With incredible luck, Bobby slices Darth Maul's ultra-cool red lightsaber.

DARTH MAUL: Grrrrr…. You broke my lightsaber!

Darth Maul becomes angry and throws Bobby into the deep deep pit with no bottom. Bobby holds onto something that's protruding from the wall. Suddenly….

LUKE SKYWALKER: You're not my father!
DARTH MAUL: Grrrrr…. Jedi wanna-be.

Luke Skywalker appears and fights Darth Maul.
(Ever wonder who would win if they fought?)

Even more swinging, turning and jumping occur. Darth Maul throws Luke into the deep deep pit with no bottom. Bobby watches as Luke falls past him. He's still hanging onto that thing on the wall.

LUKE SKYWALKER: I'll get you in the sequel.
DARTH MAUL: Grrrrr…. In your dreams.

With Luke Skywalker gone, Darth Maul turns his attention back to Bobby. Bobby needs to think of something fast or he's going to be taking a long trip down too. He starts thinking through all his Jedi tricks.

OBI-WAN KENOBI: Use the Force.

Ghostly vision of Alec Guinness appears.

ROBERT DRAKE: Hey, you're in the wrong movie.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: And you're not Mark Hamill.
ROBERT DARKE: Oh. He dropped down there a while ago.

Ghostly vision of Alec Guinness vanishes.

Bobby's face is deep in concentration as he concentrates. Darth Maul, somehow not noticing that he is concentrating, grins like a fool. Suddenly Darth Maul's shorts are iced and Bobby makes an ice platform, slides out and knocks Darth Maul into the deep deep pit with no bottom.

DARTH MAUL: Grrrrr….
ROBERT DRAKE: I win! I'm on top of the world!


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