Author's Note: I blame the Food Network.
I wrote this in the middle of the night after the Mishima Beef episode.
I don't know if anyone's gonna get this, but people keep telling me
it's funny, so ... here it is.
Feedback to email@example.com
Oh, and remember to check out my page! http://www.crosswinds.net/~kiarda/
All X-Men are property of Marvel Comics, the Iron Chef schtick, I
assume, belongs to Kaga Takeshi. Both are being used without permission.
Do not try this at home. Never mind. Go ahead and try it at home.
It's pretty fun.
Quick Note on Iron
Chef: If you're not familiar with this program, shame
on you. It's on the Food Network every Saturday at 10 pm (EST) Basically,
it's this imported, badly dubbed Japanese program that's something
of a cult classic. Every week, a challenger shows up to have an American
Gladiator-esque cookoff with one of the four Iron Chefs. The show
is narrated by these wacky narrators who can spot foie gras a mile
away and seem to be obsessed with whatever's in the rice cooker. At
the end, the food is judged by a bunch of entirely unqualified people
(past judges have included a Japanese reggae star named Korn, and
a fortune teller). To top it all off, the host is an eccentric Japanese
celebrity who insists on dressing like Liberace and making dramatic
speeches. I think that about covers it!
Continuity: I dunno. Post Onslaught, Pre-OZT. It's got Joseph
Rumble in Kitchen Stadium
"It started with one man's dream -- a dream of ... Hank, is this
thing on? HANK!"
"Okay. Are we good now? Can you see me?"
"Clear as an uncontaminated microscope slide, Robert."
"Okay. Here we go. It started with one man's dream -- a dream of
a stadium where the greatest chefs in all ... um, Westchester could
come together and compete. And so he built ... Kitchen Stadium. The
home of ... the Iron Chefs."
"Bobby, you aren't going to take a bite of that bell pepper, are
"I have to. Chairman Kaga does it on the show."
"Bobby, you don't even li--"
Crunch, crunch, crunch.
"Urk. Hank, I don't like peppers, do I?"
"Hey, folks, here we are at Kitchen Stadium, where we're about to
meet with our contestants. Our challenger today is a lady very close
to my own heart."
"Hank, what are you doing with that video camera?"
"If memory serves me correctly, she began her hero career as the
lovely Marvel Girl, waaaay back in-"
"No years, Bobby."
"Riight. Anyway, we had a whole bunch of adventures, she makes good
pancakes, let's welcome today's challenger -- Jean Grey! Jeannie,
got anything to say?"
"What's with the video camera?"
"We're doing Iron Chef. We have to tape this."
"Um ... okay."
"I hear this is a personal grudge match. What exactly did the Iron
Chef say to you?"
"Um, he said I couldn't make anything except pancakes."
"And what do you have to say about this?" "I CAN MAKE LOTS OF STUFF
"You said it, Jeannie. You said it."
"Now, let's meet with the man defending his title. He's insulted
the challenger; can he live up to his boasts? Presenting Iron Chef
Cajun: Remy LeBeau."
"Why do I gotta be de Iron Chef?"
"You look more like an Iron Chef. Well, at least you dress more flamboyantly.
The challenger says she's gonna whip your girly butt. Do you have
"She said dat?"
"Yes, she did."
"Yeah, well, she can't make anyt'ing except pancakes! BAM!"
"Also, remember that here at Kitchen Stadium, no chef is alone. Let's
meet today's assistants. Assisting the challenger: Sam Guthrie. Word
for the audience, Sam?"
"HI, MA! HI, PAIGE! HI, JOSH!--"
"Yeesh, Farmboy, this isn't going on national television. You're
just here to help Jean cook. Now, assisting the Iron Chef: I don't
think he's ever cooked anything in his life, but he sure can eat a
lot. Isn't that right, Warren?"
"How come Cornball gets to help Jean and I have to help Gambit?"
"Because this is MY Kitchen Stadium. Ow, stop it. STOP IT! HANK!"
"The battle is about to begin. Sure Jean was once a celestial avatar,
but can she cook anything but pancakes? And sure Remy can talk the
talk but can he cook the ... uh ... food? But remember folks, all
the dishes our competitors prepare must include today's theme food."
"Hey, you didn't say not'ing about any t'eme food!"
"Discovered back in ... Hank, I just realized I forgot to do any
research about today's theme food. Do you know anything?"
"It's squishy and good at two a.m."
"Right. Today's theme food is squishy and good at two a.m. Presenting--"
"Okay, now, since the Gong of Fate rang, you guys are supposed to
start picking the choicest Twinkies, and running off to prepare them
in you own individual fashion. Got it?"
"You 'xpect me t'cook-wit' DOSE?"
"I've nevah seen so many Twinkies in mah life..."
"Close your jaw, Sam."
"YOU 'XPECT ME T'MAKE GOOD CAJUN COOKIN' WIT' DOSE?!"
"Jeez, Remy, chill out."
BAM! BAM! BAM!
"Hi! Welcome back to Kitchen Stadium, where our two competitors are
hard at work, with the help of their assistants. Just to review the
rules, each has one hour to create a meal incorporating the theme
food into each dish. When their hour is up, the judges will decide
who is the champion! Let's see how they're doing, shall we?
"First let's check on our challenger, Jean. What's she doing, there?"
"It appears she's rummaging around in the cupboard, Bobby."
"That she is, Hank. It looks like she's going after -- is that what
I think it is?"
"It sure is, Bobby. Jean's opting for Bisquick. I guess she's starting
with what she knows."
"Over here, let's watch our Iron Chef work. It appears he's chopping
up some sort of vegetable."
"That would be okra, Bobby. It is a vital ingredient in most gumbos,
classic New Orleans fare."
"Looks like a vegetable to me, Hank. And let's face it, veggies and
twinkies just don't mix."
"Too true, Bobby. Now, it seems his assistant is engrossed in his
own project back there. What is he up to?"
"It appears he's ... ignoring us. Evidently, Warren is the world's
suckiest Iron Chef Assistant."
"GET BACK T'WORK FLY-BOY!"
"Bite me, Cajun."
"Hoo-boy, let's get back to Jeannie."
"Yes, it does appear that Jean is going for her classic pancakes."
"It looks like she's got her assistant separating those twinkies
from their filling."
"Sam's really got a master's touch at that."
"I believe Jean's planning to mix the sponge cake into the pancake
"Interesting twist, Hank. I think the judges will really go for that.
But she seems to be saving the cream -- a topping perhaps?"
"I think it will provide a light and airy accompaniment for Jean's
legendary pancakes. It may be selfish, but I for one, eagerly anticipate
"Yes, there, she's mixing in those sponge cake crumbs. Jean really
has a deft touch for this."
"I concur, Robert. Shall we check on our champion?"
"Holy Hannah, what's he up to now?"
"I can't say for certain, Bobby, but it looks like he's attempting
some sort of appetizer."
"Ugh, how do you think those shrimp are going to go with the Twinkies?"
"It all depends on how he incorporates the Twinkies into the dish.
Perhaps he has something up his sleeve that none of us suspect."
"Hank, do you believe that one of us should remind him once again,
that he is NOT on Emeril, Live!"
"Perhaps it's better to just let him go."
"Hmm, it appears that Jean's assistant has branched out with his
own little project here."
"Uh-oh, Hank, I recognize a Guthrie classic, here. This one's a tried-and-true,
definitely popular around the mansion on a Saturday afternoon."
"Yes, it appears that Sam is, indeed, preparing his famous 'Twinkie
"He's definitely being generous with that Squeez-E-Cheez."
"Yes, Sam will definitely be currying favor with the judges for that
"But what's Jean working on? Her pancakes are sizzling, she's moved
to something else."
"It appears she's broiling a large steak."
"I'm curious to see how she's going to incorporate Twinkies into
"Oh my stars and garters..."
"Yes, folks, it appears things have degraded on the Iron Chef's side."
"Yes, Remy appears to be wasting his twinkies as projectiles on his
"Ooh, that's gotta hurt."
"Let's take a quick break in the action. Remember folks, where would
the Iron Chefs be without someone to appraise their arts? So let's
meet the judges.
"First, our veteran judge. He's been eating Jean and Remy's cooking
for quite some time now, but then again, he DOES have a healing factor.
He's the best at what he does, and right now, what he does is eat.
Logan, anything to say to the audience?"
"Is there beer involved in this, Drake?"
"Of course there is! Do you think I'd make you eat a five-course
meal of Twinkies without the alcoholic beverage of your choice?
"Next, on loan from our sister school in Massachusetts, Judge Number
Two is considered the East Coast's foremost expert on the subject
of Twinkie preparation. Jubilee?"
"Hey, Bobby! Hey, once, I dared Angelo to eat fifty twinkies-y'know,
like on Cool Hand Luke, that movie Wolvie's always watchin',
only with eggs? Well, anyway he got to number seventeen and--"
"And moving right along, judge number three is the only person on
our panel to actually know anything about classy food. Presenting:
Ms. Emma Frost!"
"Robert, what is going on here? You said something about gourmet
food ... now Jubilee is babbling about Twinkies..."
"Jubes is crazy. You know that. Emma, tell the people at home what
caviar really is."
"It's fish eggs. Everyone knows that."
"And our final judge, the man who doesn't even know what a Twinkie
is -- Joseph!"
"Um, hi! What am I doing, again?"
"You eat the food when it's ready, and tell us if you like it or
"Oh, I can do that."
"Right on! Let's get back to the chefs!"
"Whoa, how'd that side of beef get done so fast?"
"It appears Jean utilized her assistant's mutant blasting power."
"A wise move on Jean's part. After all, she's only got an hour to
complete her meal. Speaking of, those pancakes look heavenly, don't
"It appears she's brewing some coffee, as well."
"Well, Twinkies and coffee are a classic combination. Jean's meal
is shaping up beautifully."
"Whoa, what exploded in here?" "I don't know, my frosty compatriot,
but it appears Remy has finally got his assistant to work."
"Warren's slicing that twinkie awfully thin. Are you thinking what
I'm thinking, Hank?"
"I sure am, Bobby."
"Meanwhile, Remy's hard at work elsewhere -- IS HE BRINGING OUT THE
"It appears he is, Hank. What is he planning?"
"Who can tell exactly what goes on in the head of that wily Cajun?"
"Remy seems to be having a comeback."
"Right, Bobby. Out of the gate he seemed slow; not in his game. But
now? Iron Chef Cajun is definitely in the zone."
"Wow, Jeannie's pancakes are making me slaver."
"Bobby, that's rather disgusting. But you are correct. She seems
to be rolling them up and topping them with a generous dollop of that
whipped twinkie filling. Saliva-inducing, indeed."
"Meanwhile, Sam is marinating that big ol' chunk of meat with some
liquidized cream. I think he's going to blast it again."
"Exactly, Bobby. The heat will sear the twinkie filling, caramelizing
the meat. Definitely a treat."
"Mmm, that smells good, doesn't it, Hank?"
"Wow, Gambit's meal is really coming together."
"Good thing, as well. The gong is going to ring in about five minutes."
"He seems to be spreading some sort of sauce over that Twinkie sashimi.
Seems pretty pleased with himself."
"I agree. The Iron Chef seems confident."
"Or perhaps just delusional..."
"Okay, here we see Jean just finishing up what appears to be a dessert."
"Twinkies with vanilla ice cream, and just a drizzle of Hershey's
syrup. My mouth is a-water already, Hank."
"Too, true, Bobby. This will be accompanied by the coffee, flavored
with a generous scoop of Twinkie filling. Jeannie's really outdone
"Uh-oh, we're down to thirty seconds. Let's check back in with the
"Down to fifteen. What is he doing?"
"It appears he's gloating."
"I've never seen a grown man dance around a kitchen with a Twinkie
"Indeed, Robert, there is a first time for everything."
"Warren looks ... embarrassed to be seen with him."
"Too true. Oh, five, four..."
"Three ... two..."
"Okay, the gong has sounded, and the moment of truth has come. First,
let's go talk to the Iron Chef. Remy, how did it go?"
"BAM! I kicked butt!"
"We were admiring your Twinkie sashimi. A Remy original, or was did
that come from your assistant?"
"Huh? Oh, I jus' gave Warren a knife t'keep 'im outta trouble. Den
I put soy sauce on it, so it'd look like somethin'. Is it actual food?"
"Er, yeah. So, you think you won?"
"I sure did! Take dat, Pancake Girl!"
"You heard it here, folks. Let's check on the challenger."
"Jeannie! You seemed very confident in there!"
"Thanks, Bobby. You forget, I went to college, and became quite adept
at various styles of Twinkie preparation."
"Also, I have to thank my assistant, Sam. He has a lot of vision
"So you're confident?"
"Remy says you're going down."
"Oh, he did, did he?"
"He also called you Pancake Girl."
"Bobby, is that music from The Phantom Menace soundtrack?"
"Yeah, Hank. I couldn't find anything else that sounded dramatic.
Hey is that thing on?"
"Um ... yes. It's on."
"Okay, our competitors have completed their meals with grace and
aplomb. Hey, Hank, I used 'aplomb' in a sentence! Er, Jean is presenting
four dishes to the judges. She's starting with a simple appetizer
-- Twinkie pancakes, rolled and topped with Twinkie filling and fresh
strawberries. The second course is the classic Twinkie Dog -- a hotdog,
nestled in a Twinkie, then topped with a liberal amount of Squeez-E-Cheez.
For the main course ... beef. That somehow has Twinkies in it. Finally,
Twinkie sundaes with coffee. A simple meal, yet elegant.
"The Iron Chef also brings four dishes to the table. To start off,
Twinkie cocktail. Bizarre looking, and ... who knew shellfish went
with Hostess? Next -- Twinkie sashimi. A classic. For his main dish,
Twinkie gumbo, served on a bed of rice. And finally -- is that beer?
Hank, he fermented Twinkies! HE MADE TWINKIES INTO ALCOHOL! Did you
get that on tape?!"
"Okay, here we are with the judges. Let the taste testing begin."
"Robert, I can't eat this."
"Emma, stop whining."
"I'M NOT EATING THIS!"
"Okay, minor adjustment. Judge number three is now ... Moira MacTaggert."
"Ach, laddie, what's goin' on? What is this stuff? Jeannie, lass,
d'ja make any haggis?"
"Just eat the food, Moira."
"We're starting with the pancakes."
"These're good, darlin'."
"Thank you, Logan."
"The strawberries are a nice touch. Fruity."
"ACH! These things must have a million calories! They haven't any
"Like, they taste FAB, Jean!"
"Mmm, these have the perfect amount of cheese. Sam's really outdone
"I'm with ya, there, Joe."
"Beef ... Darlin', y'know what I like."
"Ah, now we see Jean's tactic behind the Honkin' Big Side of Beef.
She's obviously got one of the judges wrapped around her finger."
"What's wrong wi' this coffee? It tastes bizarre!"
"Jean, this was totally Twinkie-riffic!"
"Great, now she's gonna be hyper and incoherent the rest of the day..."
"The judges seem to be quiet enamored of Jean's meal. Let's see how
they like the Iron Chefs'."
"EW! Soggy twinkie!"
"Remy, this is kinda weird..."
"Shut up, Amnesia Boy."
"Ach, just like good Scottish cookin'!"
"Yo! Twinkie sashimi!"
"I don't think the soy sauce quite goes."
"I totally don't do okra."
"This is better'n yer usual gumbo."
"Ach, this reminds me of when I was a wee lassie in--"
"Hey, this is alcoholic!"
"None fer you, darlin'."
"WHEW! Packs quite a wallop! Come ta Auntie Moira, ye luscious piece
"Moira, please don't touch me -- ROGUE!"
"Two chefs. Lots of Twinkies. But who will reign victorious? Will
it be the lovely Jean, with her popular, home-style cuisine? Or will
the judges prefer the Iron Chef's more avant-garde approach--"
"Cut de suspense already!"
"The judges rule-THE CHALLENGER!"
"Yah! We rule! High five!"
"Aah, shut up."
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