Guardian Angels
and the Keys of Music
by Raven Adams

Part Three: Fallen Angels

Home? You ain't got no home, sugah. Not with the X-men. Fend for yourself. You seem to have done a good job of that in the past.
-Rogue (UXM #350)

What is it that pulls a man in many directions at once but which at the same time also holds a man togeather? His soul.
But what use is a soul without a heart?⁽¹⁾

He fell again.

He was tired of walking, tired of being cold. He knew the chill would never leave his bones, and he wished he could gather enough courage to charge up his clothing and let it blow himself up.

But he couldn't do it.

He also wished he could sleep.

But he couldn't do that either.

Gambit took a mouthful of snow, and felt it melt in his mouth. At least he wouldn't die of thirst. And, thanks to the supply shack he found, he didn't know how many days ago, he wouldn't be starving any time soon.

He had found the shack after walking for four...maybe five days? He couldn't tell, the sun didn't set in the antarctic this time of the year. He just knew that when he felt so tired he was about to collapse, that it was probably night.

He had stayed in the shack for a long time, hoping someone would come along and help him. But no one did. He was alone in the freezing tundra.

The shack had clothes, snowshoes, a tent, and food. Everything he needed. Searching around he found a CB radio, but it had long since been busted, no help there. But he had found a snow mobile too. Had ridden it until its gas and the gas he'd found were used up. That was maybe three days ago?

Fire paste, wood, a first aid kit, and even something to keep his fingers, toes and nose from getting frostbite had been found in the back pack with the tent. The food he carried in yet another bag, all strapped to his back.

The snowshoes had taken time to get used to, but he figured them out, and now he walked like he'd been born with them. Walked for hours on end, hoping that around each bend, or just beyond the following rise, would be life. Any kind of life, he would even be happy to see the Savage Land.

He didn't blame Rogue. He couldn't blame her, he loved her, that love burned more brightly then anything else. It was her face, the sound of her laughter in his ears, and that night, that kept him going. It kept him from making a fool mistake and stopping, because then he would die.

It was maybe on his tenth day away from the shack that he started to hear music. Far away at first, then slowly it became clearer, until he could hear each voice, five of them, and each instrument playing. It was an old Doors' song with a faster, newer beat. One that matched the 90's perfectly.

It was just over the bend, just over the next rise, a village, a town, something!

He just had to keep walking, just a little bit more.

There's a candle burning in the world tonight
For another child who vanished out of sight
And a heart is broken, another prayer in vain
There's a million tears that fill a sea of pain

That wasn't the Doors, but it was familiar. He wasn't sure who sang the song. And it made him remember things he had tried to push in the back of his mind since he'd started walking.

Sarah. He had been able to save her. Grabbed her up, right out of Sabertooth's way. He'd been able to save her, but not before her little eyes had seen the death. Not before her little ears were filled with the screams and cries of her friends and family, and the evil laughter of a man Gambit wished he could kill. And not before her little heart had filled with pain that may never go away.

Sometimes I stare out my window
My thoughts all drift into space
Sometimes I wonder if there's a better place

He thought he could escape his past. Go to the X-Men, join, save lives. Redeem himself for what he'd done. What he'd let happen.

He lied to himself.

No matter what he did, how many people he saved, or helped, he was responsible for multiple deaths. Responsible for a friend losing something he cherished.

Was it any wonder why he had never been able to truly look Archangel in the eye?

Now the times is frightening
Can't ignore the facts
There's so many people
Just slippin' through the cracks

How many of the Morlocks died? How many children, adults? How many, Remy?

Too many to count.

Go to the X-Men? Redeem himself? Try and save his soul?

Ha! As if it could be saved!

He had just been kidding himself

So many ashes are scattered
So many rivers run dry
Sometimes your
Heaven is Hell and you don't know why

His Heaven had been realized in that cave with Rogue. He had had sex before, but before then, he'd never made love. And that's what it had been, love. She had loved him...and he had loved her, the first person he'd really ever truly cared enough about to say those words and mean them with all his heart.

Oh the words had been there, every lover he'd ever taken he'd whispered those words in their ear, but had he ever meant it as much as he had whispering it to Rogue?

No.

It had been his Heaven. But his Hell too, because she loved him...and she knew nothing about him. She knew nothing about the pain, hurt...death he had caused.

The Morlocks' blood was on his hands.

His hands?

Be serious, Remy!

He was bathed in it! It'd never come off.

Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Somewhere out there there's a shining light
And I got to be with you tonight

All he wanted was to be there for all the things Rogue was going through. He wanted to wash his memories from her mind, not so she'd forgive him, that would never happen, but so she wouldn't have to live with the thoughts. With the pain.

And with all we're nowhere We still pay the price Yeah the devil seems to get his way In downtown paradise, yeah

He thought he had left it all behind him when he joined the X-Men. Thought he could hide from the past, hide his shame. He thought that he would forget over time, that the pain would just go away.

But there was a price. In everything there was a price. It was his soul. He'd given it to the devil, to Sinister, and for what?

Nothing.

He'd lost the only place he could call home. Just like he'd lost his poppa, he lost his friends. And Rogue.

Losing Belle hadn't felt as bad.

He knew it would come to this! He knew! His was a damned soul the very day Jean-Luc LeBeau had pulled him off the streets, and he hadn't changed at all since then. He knew he would live a life in Hell...

So then why had it hurt so much to watch as Rogue flew off without so much as a backward glance? Why did his heart, already broken and smashed to pieces so long ago, hurt like it had been torn from his chest?

Why?

Where do fallen angels go,
tell me I just don't know (I just don't know)
Where do fallen angels go
They keep falling (falling), falling (falling), falling (falling), yeah

There's a candle burning

Gambit dropped to his knees. This time he wouldn't get up. He didn't want to find the people playing the music. He had no home, no life, might as well go to Hell now instead of later.

He put his head on his crossed arms for a pillow, and fell asleep.

Continued in Chapter 4.

Note: (1) This is from the end of UXM #350 but the last part about his heart I added myself.

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