Stars & Garters


On alien technology:
Rogue: What do you have, Hank?
Beast: Not a lot. But if my calculations are correct, this button should--
Rogue, sent flying against the wall: *woulph*
Beast: --Make things worse. Whoops. (Uncanny X-Men #342)

On asking 'why':
There comes a time 'twixt life and death
When all men stop to catch their breath.
We ask the stars 'Why?', we question our lot,
The heavens open wide and reply, 'Why not? (X-Men #11)

On babbling:
Wolverine: "Quit babblin', McCoy and duck!"
Beast: "I must object to the use of the word 'babbling'. OK, so maybe I was rambling...but babbling? I don't even know how to babble." (X-Men #9)

On being a Beast:
Cecilia Reyes: "Theoretical physics and basic anatomy. I'm impressed."
Beast: "You should see me play Pictionary."
Cecilia Reyes: "Sure, maybe after we get it ou -- *gasp* You -- You're an animal...?"
Beast: "It's not 'animal,' miss, it's 'Beast' ... a 'Beast' which happens to know a thing or two about the dynamic application of nano-effusive devices. Animal is a Muppet. (X-Men #70)

On being chivalrous:
Beast: Trish, get behind me! I should be strong enough to protect you from this debris ... unless ... unless it hovers in mid-air?
Trish: You're good. (Uncanny X-Men #341)

On being open-minded:
Cecilia Reyes: "<eating breakfast> I'd like to examine you with it later, too--"
Beast: "Why, doctor! How forward of you!"
Cecilia Reyes: "Ulp. Examine it ... it ... with you ... That's what I said ... 'It.'"
Beast: "Whatever the lady says. In the name of scientific research, all parts of me are at your beck and call, doctor." (X-Men #70)

On being a team:
"You forgot you're dealing with the X-Men. We're held together on levels you can't even imagine." (Uncanny X-Men #350)

On commiserating:
Trish: So you're not scared then?
Beast: No. You?
Trish: Very.
Beast: Me, too. (Uncanny X-Men #345)

On courtesy:
"Follow me, everyone -- I know the way! I met a guard who was nice enough to tell me where Magneto's command center is. Then I was nice and helped him pick up his teeth." (Source unknown)

On describing one's symptoms:
Joseph: Arrgh! Please... stop ... immediately! I feel ... I feel ...
Beast: Carsick? (Uncanny X-Men #350)

On drawing the line:
Dark Beast: "Stars and garters, man! Use the brain with which you were blessed! I'm the real McCoy, he's the imposter!"
Beast: "ENOUGH! Stars and garters -- indeed! You may kidnap me. You may bamboozle my friends. You may even try to kill me, but ... when you steal an idiom which I worked so hard to coin ... you have stepped WAY over the line!" (X-Factor #126)

On entrepreneuership:
Quick, jot this down... "The Danger Yard!" TM Hank McCoy and Jubilation Lee. I'm telling you, "J," We copyright this baby, and you and I can blow this taco stand. (Uncanny X-Men #308)

On fashion:
Vera, pulling Hank from dressing room): That's a good boy Hank! I'll bet you look SO sexy!
Hank: <sigh> The things I do for love...
(Hank emerges, his hair spiked, he is wearing a green tweed jacket, a short tie with a spider on it, a plaid shirt and tight purple slacks.)
Hank: I look ludicrous! I don't even play a musical instrument.
Vera: Oh Hank! You look fantastic! Like Elvis Costello with muscles.
Bobby: I don't know! He kinda looks like "What if Magilla Gorilla attended a rock concert?" (X-Factor #5)

On final words:
Trish: But can I tell you something? If I was going to get blown up in outer space with anybody in the universe? It would be you.
Beast: National news anchor women ... always know the right thing to say. (Uncanny X-Men #345)

On frustration:
"I exhausted my supply of hope about two o'clock this morning. All that's left is anger, frustration, and an overwhelming desire to cram 355 lbs. of blue fur down Stryfe's throat!" (Uncanny X-Men #296)

On getting out of tight spots:
Cyclops, pulling Beast out of the bathtub: Guess we've all *urn* been on edge this *umph* past week. *urmp*
Beast: I blame myself. What with having been replaced by a homicidal maniac and me not telling anyone.
Cyclops: I guess someone *hmrp* should have noticed.
Beast: To be honest, Scotty, I've had my head buried so far up my lab for the past few months, I'm not suprised anyone... OW! I think you're going to have to consider blasting the tub.
Cyclops: I've already trashed my alarm clock. Jean'll kill me. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

On getting rich:
If I had a nickel for every catatonic body down there, I'd have fifteen cents, but that's besides the point. (source unknown)

On giving directions:
Beast: Gambit, be an amigo and change our course so that Cerebro--the trademarked mutant detection system--might better pinpoint our woebegone winged wonder.
Gambit: Hang a left or a right?
Beast: Left.
Gambit: You couldna' just said dat, mon ami? (Uncanny X-Men #338)

On giving thanks:
Beast: Anyone object to a round of grace?
Iceman: Go ahead, Hank.
Beast: Um...In words of one syllable: "Thanks. For everything." Amen.
Gambit: Dat was three syl--
Wolverine: Clam it, Cajun.
Jean: Gambit, don't you dare throw that pancake! (Uncanny X-Men #337)

On hard-to-replace teammates:
Cyclops: "I believe you people have something that belongs to us?"
Gambit: "Short li'l fella."
Jubilee: "All adamantium and attitude. He's one of a kind. We'd like him back."
Beast: "Not to mention our resident psionic Japanese-by-way-of-Britain ninja. You can imagine how hard they are to replace." (X-Men #7)

On having fun:
Aren't we all children at heart? Myself? I can never pass up a game of tag. (X-Men #6)

On high school football:
Beast: Ahhh, does this bring back memories! Henry "the Beast" McCoy, star of my high school gridiron! The legendary starting fullback! The fame! The glory! The adulation of the masses!
Iceman: *ulp* Hankster, that was before you weighed in at 300 pounds! (Uncanny X-Men #308)

On homecomings:
Hey, in case I haven't mentioned it yet--in words of one syllable--It is good to be home. (Uncanny X-Men #337)

On humor:
Sabretooth: Quite the tea party ya got here, Matsuo. Ya startin' a collection o' X-Men, or just holdin' a mutant clearance sale?
Beast: If you hired this guy for his sense of humor, it might not be too late to get your deposit back. (X-Men #6)

On imagination:
Cecilia: "Those two disgusting slugs of yours devoured half my medical books! Then went for dessert in my underwear drawer!"
Maggott: "*snicker*"
Cecilia: "There is nothing funny about this!"
Beast: "No ... Not unless you process the visual, doctor ... Then it's a riot." (X-Men #79)

On keeping a low profile:
Beast: The idea is we scan until we find the right frequency we need to separate the "techno" from the "organic" which the Phalanx need in order to maintain their individual remote bodies.
Gambit: How much longer?
Beast: Five minutes ... Three with my fingers crossed. All we need to do between then and now is to keep a low profile.
Joseph: ENOUGH!! I cannot abide by this conflict a moment longer!
Phalanx: Kikt ... A human hidden among the refuse, how? Joseph:We are much more than human, Phalanx! We are Homo Superior! We will stand against you where other, lesser races have fallen!
Gambit: "Low profile", eh?
Beast: OR ... Joseph could snap and bring the wrath of the entire Phalanx dominion around our ears. Whichever happens first. (source unknown)

On love:
Iceman: Hank, I almost forgot to ask, where's Trish Tilby today? Out on anouther ultra-dagerous reporting assignment again?
Beast: Perhaps she's with your erstwhile lady-love Opal...since I don't see her here amongst the revelers, either, eh, Robert?
Beast & Iceman: We really have to get a life! (X-Men #30)

On making a point:
"Woe, it pains me to do so, but it is my obligation to bestow upon you this sage wisdom ... Take a quarter to the corner and buy yourself a clue, Cecilia. You're out of your gourd." (X-Men #75)

On mistaken identity:
"Maybe you're confusing me with someone else, eh? People are always confusing me with Tom Cruise." (X-Men Prime)

On namesakes:
Bones: "What the heck are you -- people -- doing here?
Beast: "There is actually quite an appropriate explanation for this, sir! Perhaps we might be afforded the opportunity to elaborate upon our motivation for--"
Bones: "Does he ever shut up?"
Storm: "I have not seen that, no."
Beast: "You're going to help Gambit?"
Bones: "Of course. I'm a doctor, dammit -- not the head of security! Right now this man needs medical attention. Nurse Chapel! I need 10 milliliters of cordazine. NOW!
Nurse: "But we don't have any patients right n--Doctor McCoy?!"
Bones & Beast: "What?" (Star Trek/X-Men)

More on namesakes:
Every time I hear myself called by my formal title -- I fight the urge to shout out, "He's dead, Jim!" (X-Men #27)

On New Year's resolutions:
Proclamations of Personal Premeditations for the Impending Year:
1) Eat fewer Twinkies
2) Read more 15th Century texts
3) Cure Legacy Virus (X-Men #73)

On offering suggestions:
"Why don't you go orally extract embryonic fluid from a hen's egg?" (X-Factor #2)

On optimism:
Woo, woo! Look at all the happy faces in here! Everyone up for this? O-kay. Maybe not. (Uncanny X-Men #343)

On overconfidence:
Threats are of infinitely diminished consequence when there is no true authority to back them up. (X-Men #5)

On peaceful resolutions:
Now, Spiral, perhaps you would rather talk this out than persist in the perpetuation of pointless pugilistic pugnacity? (My, am I especially alliterate today, or what?) (X-Men #32)

On presuppositions:
Cannonball: "Two sisters in the house an' Ah still forget to knock first--"
Beast: "Come now, Samuel. We're all adults here. I'm sure this is nothing you haven't seen before. On second thought, I rescind that presupposition." (X-Men #76)

On public relations:
Beast: Heads up, Creed! If you get all smooshed, you'll shoot my rescue all to h-e-double toothpicks! Quite candidly, with all the bad pressed we genetically challenged have been getting as of late, we could really use the photo-op!
Graydon Creed: Beast?!
Beast: Good guess! And here you though we all looked the same!
Creed: Don't think this garners you any good will, X-Man! If you mutants weren't using this city as a battleground in the first--
Beast: Save it for the sound bites, Creed! Note to self: Next time I pass by and see this yahoo wannabee player in trouble...? Pass by! (Uncanny X-Men #324)

More on public relations:
J. Jonah Jameson: McCoy--Isn't that Magneto out there?!
Beast: It...would seem to be, yes.
Jameson: But...He just saved us all, no?
Beast: It...would, uh, seem so, yet. Um. Yes. Yes, I would say that, definitely he saved us.
Jameson: So you're also saying...Magneto is one of the X-Men now...
Beast: Yes, you could say he is one of the X-Men now. Sort of. In a way.
Jameson: Look, McCoy, I'm not the kind of guy to look a rescue in the mouth, but don't you think you X-Men have enough of a hard time with public relations as it is, you don't need to go around recruiting evil mutants?
Beast: Well, sure--when you put it like that... (Uncanny X-Men #339)

On racism:
Beast: "Elton, Senator, Professor -- greetings. And a hearty 'sieg heil!' to you, Mr. Creed!"
Graydon Creed: "Poke fun if you like, Dr. McCoy. I'm--"
Beast: "--a racist? It would take a more ignorant man than me to argue such a point! Though I confess I didn't recognize you sans your hood and robes. Might I suggest a logo? A burning DNA symbol, perhaps?" (Uncanny X-Men #299)

On respect:
"How else am I to get you to treat me like a man of weight and substance unless I act as morally perturbed and angst-ridden as everyone else in this room?" (X-Men Annual #2)

On real evil:
Beast: Bobby, we seem to have encountered an opponent far mor dangerous than Magneto, more devious than Mr. Sinister, more dastardly than --
Angel: Hank, give it a rest and give it to me. It's a bow tie, for crying out loud! How hard could it be to figure out?
Havok: Gee, I don't know, Warren Worthington, society-boy -- Didn't you always used to just wear clip-ons? (X-Men #30)

On retreating gracefully:
Trish: Blue ... I might not be up on all the latest intergalctic battle etiquette, but why are we running away?
Hank: Actually, the correct term is "strategic withdrawal." (source unknown)

On saving the world:
Marrow: "We're the X-Men. We just saved your sad excuse for a world. You have a problem with this?"
Beast: "The delivery needs some work, but her heart's in the right place. Well said, kid ... well said." (X-Men #75)

On saying goodbye:
Hercules: Till next we meet -- may the spires of Olympus shine on thee!
Beast: And may thy tunic never tear -- or somesuch toodles. (X-Men #59)

On second chances:
Sabretooth: I'm bein' a good little boy, usin' this flamin' camcorder to pry open the insides o' my head. An' get this one -- Xavier said it would "provide a valuable means of learning to bond with those you have hurt, and better show you the consequences of those actions."
Beast: In theory, the professor is correct. You have to want it to work, though.
Sabretooth: Whaddaya want, McCoy?
Beast: I need you -- lucid and cooperative -- for a briefing tomorrow morning at ten.
Sabretooth: Oooh! Whaddaya think, yer still an Avenger, McCoy?
Beast: Hardly. You just have information we need.
Sabretooth: An' what makes you think I'll give it to you?
Beast: Because...your choice is either to join the world or fight it. And you haven't been too victorious with the latter, have you? See you tomorrow, then. (X-Men #33)

On shopping at FAO Schwartz in New York on Christmas Eve:
Beast: What about you, Sam?
Cannonball: Actually, I'd love to join y'all. Ah just got a few things to pick up for my brothers and sisters first. *he unrolls a long list* I'm just gonna hop in t'the toy store right quick and pick 'em. It shouldn't take 5 minutes. See ya at the restaurant?
Beast: Riiight. 5 minutes. *whispers to Trish* We'll never see him again. (Uncanny X-Men #341)

On strength:
Though we've never discussed it over a warm pillow, my love, I do possess the ability to bench 3,000 pounds. (1993 X-Men/Pizza Hut promotional comics)

On superhero girlfriends:
What started out as a simple date between Trish and I somehow ended up here [Nanny's Cave]. Which leads me to the realization there must be something majorly maladjusted with anyone who'd fall in love with me ... irresistibility notwithstanding. (Uncanny X-Men #348)

On tense situations:
Xavier: "Henry -- report!"
Beast: "'Stars and garters' is the only thing that springs to mind, sir."
Banshee: "Saints preserve us."
Beast: "Okay, that, too." (Uncanny X-Men #313)

On terminology:
"'Yap' is a technical term, I assure you." (X-Men #74)

On violence:
Cyclops: So whether we feel comfortable with the situation or not, we have to take him down!
Beast: Indeed, far be it from us to actually try and talk our way out of this. Why negotiate a peaceful resolution, when x-cessive pugilism would suffice just as nicely, eh? (delivers a roundhouse kick) A feat with my feet could lead to your defeat! (I crack me up.) (The enemy gets up again.) Hmmm...He's still cooking. I do feel like such a heel.
Cyclops: Hank...
Beast: Sorry, mon capitan. I promise to approach this pointless battle with renewed attention and maturity. (X-Men #13)