Down-Home Charm Photo Album Songbank Fan-Fiction History Books Fan Art Miscellania Links
Fan-Fiction >
Sillyfics >
"The Susan Smith Show"

Stories in this series

A series of talk shows in which various super hero-types discuss the issues that affect their lives.

Image Is Everything
The X-Women go on a daytime talk show to explain their seemingly inexplicable choices of clothing and hairstyles.

A Brief History
Talk show host Susan Smith explores the pressing issue of why superheroes wear their underwear on the outside.

A Super Heroine's Life
Ann Miller and Ms. Marvelous (from the Super Beings Bureau Saga) go on the Susan Smith Show to discuss their respective lives as super heroines.

"Inquiring Minds"
A mysterious person writes a book that "tells all" about the secret lives of the X-Men While this isn't a true "Susan Smith" fic, there is a reference to the show in here.

Disclaimer: Susan Smith, her show, Vivian, and the doctor are mine, although the universe is Marvel's. These are more of those demented characters Marvel doesn't want you to know inhabit their universe :)
This is a semi continuation of "Image is Everything" although you don't have to read that story first.

A Brief History

Susan Smith smoothed down her pale blue blouse before turning towards the camera and plastering on her trademarked cheerful smile. "Welcome to the Susan Smith Show!" she exclaimed brightly, turning the wattage on her smile up another notch. "Today, we'll be exploring the mystery of male heroes who wear their underwear on the outside!"

"Our first guest today is Doctor Hanes, who specializes in the history of super hero ensembles." She turned to the stern looking grey haired man making his entrance onto the stage.

Once he had settled down, Susan moved up to the stage. "Dr. Hanes, where did this particular mode of dress originate from?" she inquired, keeping a curious look firmly in place along with her sunny smile.

Dr. Hanes leaned forward slightly, his eyes lighting up at the prospect of digging into his area of expertise. "Well, Susan, underwear, and the wearing of said items is an important part of our daily dress."

"I suppose it is," Susan replied, nodding for the doctor to continue.

"That is no different for those so called 'heroes' and 'villains'. At first, super heroes would wear their underwear under their chosen uniforms. But that left unsightly underwear lines showing through their tight, spandex clothing."

Susan tsked. "So they had to figure out how to change that?"

Dr. Hanes nodded. "Yes! There was something of a debate as to wheter they should go without underwear -- but that is practically a taboo. So, the population was in great turmoil until Super Flying Guy made his appearance on the scene."

Susan looked at the doctor blankly. 'Super Flying Guy?" she asked, trying to find any reference to the man Dr. Hanes had mentioned.

"Yes, Super Flying Guy. He was the first to wear undergarments as over garments! It was, I must say, I glorious day in our history. Now, heroes could wear underwear without worry."

"How fascinating!" Susan replied. "Now why don't we bring on our next guest--"

Dr. Hanes plowed right over her words. "Underwear provide an important feeling of security, and that is no different for heroes. And, those items provide an extra layer of security and protects people's modesty. Can you imagine a hero getting a rip in his uniform without the extra protection provided--"

"Yes, yes, quite horrible," Susan cut in quickly when Dr. Hanes paused to draw in a deep breath in preparation for his next barrage of words. "Now, let's talk to Ms. Vivian Undie du Loom, a fashion consultant!"

The woman strode out onto the stage and gracefully positioned herself on the chair next to Dr. Hanes. Susan shifted her attention towards the woman. "Ms. Undie du Loom, tell us about this from a fashion point of view."

"Just call me Vivian," the woman replied graciously before answering the request. She pursed her lips thoughtfully before launching into her view on the subject. "These underwear are actually incredibly practical. Should a hero, say, wish to swim, he always has the proper attire for it. And I must say, these underwear, with there bright, attractive colour make glorious swim wear!"

"That isn't it at all!" Dr. Hanes protested. "They aren't swim wear! They are underwear! They can be used as a spare on the outside in case they have a sudden overnight stay someplace!" His brow furrowed, "such is the case of Purple Pants Man who--"

"It is a modern fashion statement, sir!" Vivian protested. "And it is a reason for heroes to wear belts along with their uniforms. Since, after all, those belts don't serve any other apparent purpose. And, of course, they can hide any... embarrassing... stains which may appear during a fight--"

Susan felt her smile start to slip and determinedly plastered it back in place.  "Why don't we call in one of the men who sport this fashion? Come out, Cyclops!" Susan called.

Cyclops came out slowly, trying to convince himself that he didn't look as stupid as he felt. He looked out into the audience, searching for Jean. She was sitting near the front, casually filling her nails with the clip to her sash. Cyclops reluctantly moved to take a seat. His motion came to an abrupt stop as Vivian rose to her feet and caught his arm.

She dragged him forward and circled around him, her eyes fastened on his yellow underwear. "Glorious!" Vivian exclaimed. "Absolutely glorious!" Cyclops absently noted that Jean was now glaring at the woman pawing at his uniform. He flushed and tried not to fidget.

"This," Vivian informed the audience, taking a fingerfull of Cyclops' underwear, "is perfect as a carryall." She proceeded to demonstrate by pulling a ring off of her finger and dropping it down Scott's uniform. She patted it down, earning another glare from Jean. "See? All safe."

She smiled reassuringly at Scott before fishing her ring back out. As she pawed through his underwear, he desperately wondered why he had agreed to come on the show in the first place.

Vivian found her ring and smiled again. "These are also more comfortable on the outside as opposed to under that tight, tight, spandex. And, it can serve to keep these brave men warm should it get cold."

The woman finally moved away, and Scott let out a relieved sigh before sitting down. As unnoticeably as possible, he scooted as far away from Vivian as he could manage.

Dr. Hanes, obviously feeling that he had been silent far too long spoke up.  "They also serve as shock value. Several heros have reported villains laughing so hard and so long upon first seeing these items that they were easy to apprehend." He smiled smugly as the audience's attention returned to him.

"It's also easier to make sure that you're wearing clean underwear," Vivian responded.

Dr. Hanes shook his head. "My dear woman, you are taking this far too lightly. This subject goes far beyond fashion. This is a display king of thing. The hero, with his bright underwear drawing attention to a certain area of his body, is basically saying 'if you fight me, see, I have bigger bits than you do, so I'll win'."

"Why don't we ask Cyclops?" Susan said quickly. That was what he was here for, after all, she thought rather sourly. What was there to debate about underwear?!

Cyclops shifted slightly. "They can be used as a slingshot, bandage, rope or as a signal -- that's why they're always bright. They've been used as a blindfold on occasions, too." Scott paused a moment, trying to figure out other reasons for that particular design of his uniform. "Oh yeah -- and a teammate of mine has used his as a mask several times."

The show was just about over, and this time, Susan's smile was one of relief.  "That was a fascinating, and educational show! If anyone is interested on further information about this topic, read Dr. Hanes book 'Underwear, the Forgotten History of Heroes' or Vivian Undie du Loom's book 'The Statement Behind the Briefs'."

"And that's all we have time for on today's Susan Smith Show! Until next time!"



After the first page or so -- the reasons stated in this story for the use of underwear over the spandex came from:
Shera Crawler 007 < >
Lynx < >
Amanda Sichter < >
I hope that the story wasn't too choppy -- I was trying to fit all the reasons in.


Down-Home Charm / Fan-Fiction / Fan Artwork / History Books / Photo Album / Songbank / Miscellania / Links / Updates

Legalese: Rogue, the X-Men, and the distinctive likenesses thereof are Trademarks of Marvel Characters, Inc. and are used without permission. This is an unofficial fansite, and is not sponsored, licensed or approved by Marvel Comics.
Privacy Policy and Submission Guidelines