Disclaimer: Susan Smith, her show,
Vivian, and the doctor are mine, although the universe is
Marvel's. These are more of those demented characters Marvel
doesn't want you to know inhabit their universe :)
This is a semi continuation of "Image
is Everything" although you don't have to read that
Susan Smith smoothed down her pale blue blouse before turning
towards the camera and plastering on her trademarked cheerful
smile. "Welcome to the Susan Smith Show!" she exclaimed
brightly, turning the wattage on her smile up another notch.
"Today, we'll be exploring the mystery of male heroes
who wear their underwear on the outside!"
"Our first guest today is Doctor Hanes, who specializes
in the history of super hero ensembles." She turned to
the stern looking grey haired man making his entrance onto
Once he had settled down, Susan moved up to the stage. "Dr.
Hanes, where did this particular mode of dress originate from?"
she inquired, keeping a curious look firmly in place along
with her sunny smile.
Dr. Hanes leaned forward slightly, his eyes lighting up at
the prospect of digging into his area of expertise. "Well,
Susan, underwear, and the wearing of said items is an important
part of our daily dress."
"I suppose it is," Susan replied, nodding for the
doctor to continue.
"That is no different for those so called 'heroes' and
'villains'. At first, super heroes would wear their underwear
under their chosen uniforms. But that left unsightly underwear
lines showing through their tight, spandex clothing."
Susan tsked. "So they had to figure out how to change
Dr. Hanes nodded. "Yes! There was something of a debate
as to wheter they should go without underwear -- but that
is practically a taboo. So, the population was in great turmoil
until Super Flying Guy made his appearance on the scene."
Susan looked at the doctor blankly. 'Super Flying Guy?"
she asked, trying to find any reference to the man Dr. Hanes
"Yes, Super Flying Guy. He was the first to wear undergarments
as over garments! It was, I must say, I glorious day in our
history. Now, heroes could wear underwear without worry."
"How fascinating!" Susan replied. "Now why
don't we bring on our next guest--"
Dr. Hanes plowed right over her words. "Underwear provide
an important feeling of security, and that is no different
for heroes. And, those items provide an extra layer of security
and protects people's modesty. Can you imagine a hero getting
a rip in his uniform without the extra protection provided--"
"Yes, yes, quite horrible," Susan cut in quickly
when Dr. Hanes paused to draw in a deep breath in preparation
for his next barrage of words. "Now, let's talk to Ms.
Vivian Undie du Loom, a fashion consultant!"
The woman strode out onto the stage and gracefully positioned
herself on the chair next to Dr. Hanes. Susan shifted her
attention towards the woman. "Ms. Undie du Loom, tell
us about this from a fashion point of view."
"Just call me Vivian," the woman replied graciously
before answering the request. She pursed her lips thoughtfully
before launching into her view on the subject. "These
underwear are actually incredibly practical. Should a hero,
say, wish to swim, he always has the proper attire for it.
And I must say, these underwear, with there bright, attractive
colour make glorious swim wear!"
"That isn't it at all!" Dr. Hanes protested. "They
aren't swim wear! They are underwear! They can be used as
a spare on the outside in case they have a sudden overnight
stay someplace!" His brow furrowed, "such is the
case of Purple Pants Man who--"
"It is a modern fashion statement, sir!" Vivian
protested. "And it is a reason for heroes to wear belts
along with their uniforms. Since, after all, those belts don't
serve any other apparent purpose. And, of course, they can
hide any... embarrassing... stains which may appear during
Susan felt her smile start to slip and determinedly plastered
it back in place. "Why don't we call in one of
the men who sport this fashion? Come out, Cyclops!" Susan
Cyclops came out slowly, trying to convince himself that
he didn't look as stupid as he felt. He looked out into the
audience, searching for Jean. She was sitting near the front,
casually filling her nails with the clip to her sash. Cyclops
reluctantly moved to take a seat. His motion came to an abrupt
stop as Vivian rose to her feet and caught his arm.
She dragged him forward and circled around him, her eyes
fastened on his yellow underwear. "Glorious!" Vivian
exclaimed. "Absolutely glorious!" Cyclops absently
noted that Jean was now glaring at the woman pawing at his
uniform. He flushed and tried not to fidget.
"This," Vivian informed the audience, taking a
fingerfull of Cyclops' underwear, "is perfect as a carryall."
She proceeded to demonstrate by pulling a ring off of her
finger and dropping it down Scott's uniform. She patted it
down, earning another glare from Jean. "See? All safe."
She smiled reassuringly at Scott before fishing her ring
back out. As she pawed through his underwear, he desperately
wondered why he had agreed to come on the show in the first
Vivian found her ring and smiled again. "These are also
more comfortable on the outside as opposed to under that tight,
tight, spandex. And, it can serve to keep these brave men
warm should it get cold."
The woman finally moved away, and Scott let out a relieved
sigh before sitting down. As unnoticeably as possible, he
scooted as far away from Vivian as he could manage.
Dr. Hanes, obviously feeling that he had been silent far
too long spoke up. "They also serve as shock value.
Several heros have reported villains laughing so hard and
so long upon first seeing these items that they were easy
to apprehend." He smiled smugly as the audience's attention
returned to him.
"It's also easier to make sure that you're wearing clean
underwear," Vivian responded.
Dr. Hanes shook his head. "My dear woman, you are taking
this far too lightly. This subject goes far beyond fashion.
This is a display king of thing. The hero, with his bright
underwear drawing attention to a certain area of his body,
is basically saying 'if you fight me, see, I have bigger bits
than you do, so I'll win'."
"Why don't we ask Cyclops?" Susan said quickly.
That was what he was here for, after all, she thought rather
sourly. What was there to debate about underwear?!
Cyclops shifted slightly. "They can be used as a slingshot,
bandage, rope or as a signal -- that's why they're always
bright. They've been used as a blindfold on occasions, too."
Scott paused a moment, trying to figure out other reasons
for that particular design of his uniform. "Oh yeah --
and a teammate of mine has used his as a mask several times."
The show was just about over, and this time, Susan's smile
was one of relief. "That was a fascinating, and
educational show! If anyone is interested on further information
about this topic, read Dr. Hanes book 'Underwear, the Forgotten
History of Heroes' or Vivian Undie du Loom's book 'The Statement
Behind the Briefs'."
"And that's all we have time for on today's Susan Smith
Show! Until next time!"
After the first page or so -- the reasons
stated in this story for the use of underwear over the spandex
Shera Crawler 007 < Susie2@peoplepc.com
Lynx < Felis_Lynx@xtra.co.nz
Amanda Sichter < firstname.lastname@example.org
I hope that the story wasn't too choppy -- I was trying to
fit all the reasons in.
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