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"The Susan Smith Show"

Stories in this series

A series of talk shows in which various super hero-types discuss the issues that affect their lives.

Image Is Everything
The X-Women go on a daytime talk show to explain their seemingly inexplicable choices of clothing and hairstyles.

A Brief History
Talk show host Susan Smith explores the pressing issue of why superheroes wear their underwear on the outside.

A Super Heroine's Life
Ann Miller and Ms. Marvelous (from the Super Beings Bureau Saga) go on the Susan Smith Show to discuss their respective lives as super heroines.

"Inquiring Minds"
A mysterious person writes a book that "tells all" about the secret lives of the X-Men While this isn't a true "Susan Smith" fic, there is a reference to the show in here.

Disclaimer: The poor, abused, absolutely mortified characters in this fic belong to Marvel.
Sillyfic: Check.

Inquiring Minds

Rogue grinned happily as she flipped through her latest copy of 'Lots and Lots of Books Club' magazine. She skimmed through the booklet until she arrived at her favorite section -- the romances.

"The Southern Belle and the Cajun" Rogue read aloud. "That sounds like it has promise..." She uncapped her green pen and put a check next to the title before continuing her careful persual of the titles. "The Lady and the Thief ... check! Southern Lovin' ... hmm ... why not? Check! Love in an Antarctic Cave? I don't think so!" Rogue's eyes widened slightly as she read over the teaser for that last novel.

"Trapped during a cave in along with three other people, how will our two heroes express their love?" Rogue shook her head in disgust and quickly moved to shut the magazine. She had enough smutty novels chosen to keep her entertained for a while.

A brief flash of an illustration caught her attention, and Rogue warily turned back to that page. Her jaw dropped open as her eyes landed on the page. "Oh my God! ... This can't be..."

The magazine dropped from her suddenly nerveless fingers, and Rogue stared at it a long moment in disbelief before leaping to her feet and running from her room. A moment later she darted back in, grabbing the book and order form before racing out again.

4 to 6 weeks later.

"Is the mail here yet?!" Rogue demanded impatiently, her foot frantically tapping against the floor in a show of nervous energy. Noticing the floorboards beginning to crack beneath her, Rogue took a deep breath and concentrating on keeping her foot from moving.

Jean looked at her, and down at the floor raising an eyebrow. "Yes, your package is here, Rogue," she informed her teammate.

"Give it to me!" Rogue gasped, hopping up and down excitedly. She nearly ripped it out of Jean's hands and tore into the box. Rogue ignored the three mushy romances she had purchased, instead locking onto the book resting on the top.

She drew it out with trembling hands and flipped to the first page, scanning the words.

'Scott hesitated before Jean's room, uncertain of his actions...'

Rogue's eyes rolled back in her head and the book dropped to the floor.

"...Jean!" she gasped, wildly gesturing towards the book.

Jean looked at Rogue curiously before picking up the novel. Her eyes widened as she saw the cover. 'The Secret Lives of the X-Men!' it said in bold golden letters. With trembling hands, she opened the cover to read the flap.

'Heroes or terrorists, the X-Men are fascinating people ... people with strange lives and even stranger sexual practices...' The book tumbled to the floor once again.




"I don't--"


"I think--"


"Oh man!"

The X-Men were gathered together, the book situated on the table where everybody could see it. Most of them were horrified, and a few were blushing hotly.

Finally, Scott broke the uncomfortable silence. "So..." He cleared his throat uncertainly. "We have a ... highly explicit ... un-true," he certainly hoped that none of that had happened! "book out about us..."

"Just because we all wear skin tight spandex and live together!" Rogue wailed. Mortified fascination had led her to read the ... book, which had portrayed her as a sex-crazed maniac.

"Who could have written this?" Beast choked out, still rather flustered from reading about his fictional self's exploits ... 'furry blue sex god,' indeed! "And why?!"

"I do not know," Storm said as calmly as possible. "But let us hope that not many people learn of this ... thing."

Several weeks later.

Scott groaned as he looked at the paper. 'The Secret Lives of the X-Men' was still number one on the New York Times Best-seller List.

His head dropped down to the table with a thud. Their reputations were destroyed! Not that their reputations had ever been all that great -- but at least before they were only 'mutant terrorists' and not 'promiscuous mutant terrorists with strange sexual practices'.

He bet the Avengers never had to deal with this sort of thing.

Later That Week.

"And today, on the Susan Smith Show ... the author of the best selling novel, 'The Secret Lives of the X-Men!"

The aforementioned team was gather in front of the television, their eyes glued on the author of the book that had given them a whole new and unwelcome reputation.

"I'm going to kill him!" Wolverine growled.


"Remember the chapter 'bout me, Cyke an' Gambit?" Wolverine snarled. He only hoped that Jubilee never got a copy of that thing.

"I was going to say that I want a piece of him!"

"Oh. That's fine then."

"It'll be a team excursion."

Sinister grinned evilly and flipped through the wad of cash he was holding. With the money he'd raked in with that book, he'd be set for years!




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