Author's Note: It wrote itself. I just sat back and let my hands type. By the end of it all, my hands were numb and I had this to show for the whole thing.
**Standard Mice Disclaimer**
Neva Huddleston is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby and Jubilee belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Buffy and Posse is property of Mutant Enemy. The others ... I didn't do it. They came from the worst fan fic had to offer ... you'll see. I created the bad fan fiction, so don't feel bad for "Jade Rose." She doesn't exist. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tiki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at mice5k@hotmail.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook.

Mice Tails #15
And I Shall Call It ... "MSTie Me"
by Neva "Mice" Huddleston

[Setting: A very hip, very MTV setting. Bobby is wearing a blue v-neck sweater and brown cords. His hair is gelled and messed up on purpose. Jubilee is in a pink tube top, dark blue jeans and pink platform shoes. She has several pink butterfly clips in her hair. They talk into an imaginary camera.]

BOBBY: Hey out there! I'm Bobby Drake--
JUBILEE: And I'm Jubilee--
BOBBY: And welcome to Mice Tails #15! We're here to present to a MSTie the story that was in the last Mice Tail, "The Second Slayer" to promote our new story coming out, "God ... Er, Dog," by Mice.
JUBILEE: What can we say, Rosie O'Donnell is booked solid for months.
BOBBY: Sad to say, Mice wrote "The Second Slayer." I can't believe she could write that bad!
JUBILEE: [Glares at BOBBY.] Excuse me? Have we forgot her early stuff?
BOBBY: Hey, "Jubilee and the Care Bears" is a classic!
JUBILEE: No, I meant--
BOBBY: And she re-wrote Mice Tails #1, for the better, I might add! I love seeing Paige get her just desserts!
JUBILEE: Bobby, I'm talking about her first fic with you -- mmf!!

[BOBBY covers JUBILEE'S mouth and holds her down while blushing.]

BOBBY: I don't know what you're talking about, J, Mice's first fan fic with me in it is "Icicles," and her stories about me have only got better, like "Keeper of the Flame," "Eskimo Pie," "Rumors," and the upcoming "God ... er, Dog" starring me and Jubilee!

[Bobby sticks his thumb out in a Mentos-like fashion to the camera, winks, and mouths, "I gotcha covered, Mice!"]

JUBILEE: [Finally released from BOBBY'S grasp and begins to mutter.] "icicles"? i can't believe he forgot about "frostbitten" ...
BOBBY: [Muttering to himself.] i can't either, the horror ... [Shakes out of it.] Anyways, Mice went nuts, thinking how perfect "The Second Slayer" would be to MSTie--
JUBILEE: And give her mind a break from her writing latest story she's working on, "God ... er, Dog"--
BOBBY: Starring me and Jubilee, coming soon to an internet near you!
JUBILEE: Excellent plugging teamwork, Bobby!

[They high five.]

BOBBY: Right back at ya, Jubilee!
JUBILEE: Now, without further ado, we present to you the MSTie'ing of "The Second Slayer"!
BOBBY: As mocked by us, Bobby and Jubilee.
JUBILEE: Who will be appearing in Mice's--
BOBBY: Jubes, easy on the plugging, now!

>Subject: The Second Slayer [1/56] [R]

JUBILEE: Hey, I thought Kendra was the second slayer, then Faith ...
BOBBY: This is the part where I refer to you as a fangirl, right?
JUBILEE: Let's face it, Felicity is a wimp, Dawson has no chin ... Buffy is the cream of the WB's wheat!
BOBBY: And that's not saying much ... they made a sitcom with Urkel AND Punky Brewster...
JUBILEE: No, that was UPN.
BOBBY: And you know what UPN stands for, right?
JUBILEE: What?
BOBBY: UPN.
JUBILEE: That makes no sense! It has to stand for something!
BOBBY: Yes, but Hell thought it would be so much more eviller to not have UPN stand for anything.
JUBILEE: [Sluggy-esque] How evil.

>Date: 1999/07/19
>Author: Jessica "Jade Rose" Baxter

JUBILEE: Jessica Baxter ... waitaminute ... Bobby, wasn't that the name of your girlfriend in Mice's--
BOBBY: [Dangles a thin mint in front of her face, and all is silent.]

>jaderose@freeisay.net
>Disclaimer: Hi everybody!

JUBILEE: Hi Dr. Nick!

>This is my first story and I hope you all like it! The
>characters, except for Desdemona and Gabriel,

BOBBY: Whew, doggy, Darla Mae! Fire up the barbecue, we gonna have us some Mary Sue tonight!
JUBILEE: [Confused.] Was that supposed to be a southern accent?
BOBBY: [Hurt.] I was going for Cajun ...
JUBILEE: Y'know, for all you hang out with Gambit, you have no grasp of the sheer obnoxiousness of the Cajun accent.
BOBBY: No fair bringing in fan fiction references into this ... this fan fiction!!

[BOBBY begins to rub his temples while JUBILEE pats him on the back.]

>are Joss Whedon's. Enjoy!

> The Second Slayer
> By The Jade Rose
>
> She looked at her fallen angel; the prodigal son of
>the night things,

JUBILEE: You know, it's a lot easier being "the prodigal son of the night things" than you might think. Like, what's your competition? Cockroaches ... bums ...
BOBBY: Hookers in drag ... yeah, not too much heavy competition to be the best in the Night family.

>casted out into the cold, sinister, breeding ground for all
>things unhuman.

BOBBY: Eew ... take it to Mullholland, you crazy unhuman kids!

>She needed this angel.

BOBBY: [Singing.] Bring me an angel--
JUBILEE: No obscure Eighties song references!
BOBBY: Okay, Jubilee. [Hums "Just Call Me Angel in the Morning.]
JUBILEE: Sigh.

>This, her unholy salvation. She looked at him once more,
>his soulful eyes with tears on the corners, that held within
>them the mysteries of the universe.

JUBILEE: [In a Scrappy-Doo voice.] Mysteries of the Universe? Let me at'em! Let me at'em!
BOBBY: SPEAKING of unholy salvation's ...

>Oh! If only she had the key to unlock them and find out
>the treasures that lie within.

BOBBY: Unfortunately, our mysterious gal lost the key to unlock the Mysteries of the Universe [TM] in the Gap at the Santa Anita mall, along with her Pikachu key chain.
JUBILEE: The one that says, "Pikachu!"?
BOBBY: That would be the one.
JUBILEE: Like this?
EVIL VOICE OF PIKACHU: PIKACHU!!!!!!!!!
BOBBY: [Jumps up a mile from his seat.] Jumping Jesus!!
JUBILEE: Oh, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
BOBBY: [Begins to sit back down and calm down, until JUBILEE holds up a yellow keychain, and begins to squeeze it regularly.]
EVIL VOICE OF PIKACHU: PIKACHU!!!!!!!!!!! PIKACHU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PIKACHU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PICKACHU!!
BOBBY: [BOBBY is stuck on the ceiling, screaming.] OH, UNHOLY THING, BE DAMNED!!
JUBILEE: The Pikachu will cease ...
BOBBY: Whew!
JUBILEE: ... for the moment!
BOBBY: [Groan.]

> Sadly, though, she was not allowed these sort of
>torrid thoughts.

JUBILEE: Thanks to the Net Nanny.

>Thoughts that were as red hot as the blood her lover
>sucked.

JUBILEE: Okay, Net Nanny ring, do your thing! Protect these virgin eyes!
BOBBY: Virgin eyes--! Aren't you seventeen?
JUBILEE: Harras says I'm still thirteen. And a half.
BOBBY: Just wait. They'll micro-grow you like Illyana--
JUBILEE: Just to micro-shrink me and give me Legacy. Thanks Bobby.
BOBBY: I was just saying that your eyes couldn't be that pure--
JUBILEE: Ssh, I'm not talking to you, now.

[JUBILEE folds her arms across her chest and sticks her tongue out at BOBBY, who raises his hands in surrender.]

>And, oh, how he sucked! He sucked mightily and with
>passion ...

[JUBILEE tries to maintain her icy glare as hints of a smile break it. BOBBY whistles, until...]

JUBILEE: Sentence ... too funny ... too true ... cannot resist ... [Breaks into a fit of laughter and hugs BOBBY.] Yer forgiven.
BOBBY: Forget flowers, nobody brings people closer than bad literature ...

> She calmed herself. A slayer was not supposed to
>fall in love with a vampire, after all.

JUBILEE: Well, we know what the story is about now ...
BOBBY: Yes, all fifty-six parts of it.
JUBILEE: WHAT?!
BOBBY: Well, Mice didn't actually WRITE fifty-six parts ...
JUBILEE: Yes, but the thought that there might actually be fifty-six parts of crap ... [Shudders.] I don't want to live in a world like that ...

> She picked up her sharp stake, tossed it in the air
>like a baton, and went home for a cold shower. Then it
>was off to ... Sunnydale.

JUBILEE: [Clutching her chest and breathing hard and speaks with dripping sarcasm.] Oh, my! Thank goodness Jade Rose braced me for THAT shocking revelation! Good night, just think what would have happened if she didn't add in that dramatic pause, Bobby! Why, we would have died from shock!!
BOBBY: [Looking quizzically at JUBILEE.] Uh, yeah, whatever, Nancy Drew ...

>-(-)-Chapter 1-(-)-

JUBILEE: Wha--?! Chapter one? But we just -- and it was ... [Sniffles.] Bobby ...
BOBBY: It's okay, J, be strong ...

> Sunnydale was a spooky little hallow, she thought as
>she walked amongst it's streets of darkly clouded mystery.

BOBBY: Careful you don't run into an open man hole with all that "darkly clouded mystery going" on!
JUBILEE: Ahem, HINT!

>She held her stake close, just in case danger decided to
>delurk it's way to her.

BOBBY: "Delurk"?
JUBILEE: Yeah, like if you subscribe to rec.erotica.green-jello and all you do is read and not post, you're lurking. But if you post a message to the newsgroup, you delurk.
BOBBY: How do you know about the regj?
JUBILEE: Uh ... [Looks around frantically.] Ooh, a penny!
BOBBY: Where?
JUBILEE: Uhm ... somewhere ... [Smiles sweetly.]
BOBBY: [Muttering.] virgin eyes, my ass ...

> Suddenly, she felt her Slayer Sense tingle that
>company was coming, and they wanted blood.

BOBBY: You know, this slayer is missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime! If company wants blood ...
JUBILEE: ... and it's no hour to sacrifice a goat or small child ...
BOBBY: ... just pop open a can of Slayer's Sanguine Splash!

> Red blood.

JUBILEE: Now, that's just being racist! Can't we all just get along? Red blood, green blood ... who really cares?

> She heard a struggle coming from the Bronze, a
>popular hang out for Buffy's posse. She felt an arm grab
>her. She was almost trapped.

JUBILEE: Grab harder! Harder, I say!
BOBBY: Is that even a phrase? "Almost trapped"?

> *Almost.*

JUBILEE: Wow, I would have thought she was "almost a goner" trapped, but now with these asterisks, I have hope for our young slayer!
BOBBY: [Shaking fists into the sky.] Curse you, asterisks!!

> "Heee-ya, vamp suckers!" A raven like blonde girl
>jumped from atop the Bronze and dusted all the vampires.

BOBBY: Wait ... "raven like blonde ... " Does not compute, Will Robinson, DOES NOT COMPUTE!
JUBILEE: Yeah, well, she just hopped off a roof and before she hit the ground, and dusted the vampires. Explain that to me!
BOBBY: Easy. The same way Wolverine, in the cartoon, did a back flip into a tree, somersaulted out, and did a cartwheel to move two steps behind him when nobody was shooting at him.
JUBILEE: Point ...

> Except one that was coming after her rescuer.

BOBBY & JUBILEE: YES!

> She got that one with her stake

BOBBY: [As Professor Henry Higgins, singing.] And where is that blasted stake?

>that she held close to her side.
> "Hey, wow, thanks I owe you! Are you a slayer or
>something?"
> The girl tossed her long, shiny, cherry red hair over
>her shoulder.

JUBILEE: No, but she could be a Pantene girl ...
BOBBY: Hmm ... a Pantene girl Slayer ... sounds just like a zany plot idea that Aaron Spelling would concoct ...
JUBILEE: Ssh! Don't give him ideas! Aaron Spelling is everywhere ... [Looks around, very paranoid. BOBBY gives her a "What in the hell?" look, to which she just points to the ceiling.]

>"Yes. My name is Desdemona DeMornay.

JUBILEE: [Sneezes.] marysue! [Sneezes.] marysue!
BOBBY: How do you know, Jubilee?
JUBILEE: You see, Robert, Mary Sues' can be found by looking for the tell tale sign of a name that a person will never possess. What are the chances that a mother and father would name their child Desdemona?
BOBBY: Same chance that they'd name their kid Jubilee?
JUBILEE: [Glares at BOBBY.] Moving along ... I bet her parents died and she's just wandering the country on a trust fund conveniently set up for her before they died ...

>My parents just died, so I'm wandering the country on
>their trust fund they conveniently set up for me before they died, dusting
>vamps, y'know, the *uze*.

BOBBY: [Amazed.] Wow ... truly, you have a talent ... I take back my dig ...
JUBILEE: [Doing a spot on Monet imitation.] As I've said before, Robert, there is blessed little I don't know. [Hair toss.]

>Call me Desi, though. And I should be thanking you! You're da bomb!"
> "Coolness! I'm Buffy!! Let me introduce you to
>the crewe!!!"

BOBBY: Buffy Summers: Can't Lose.
JUBILEE: Synchronize Swatches!

>End Chapter -(-)-1-(-)-

JUBILEE: Yay! [Gets up and does a funky dance that only JUBILEE can think of doing.]
BOBBY: There's more, Jubilee ...
JUBILEE: [Still dancing.] Oh, let me have my moment ...

> ***--**--**--***
>
> The Second Slayer [12/56]
>
> ***--**--**--***
> Desi (Desdemona's nick name, remember --Jade =))

JUBILEE: How could we forget?

>strolled into Sunnydale High in a kick ass ensemble. Xander, who would
>never end his neverending crush on
>her,

BOBBY: [Singing to the tune of "Neverending Story."] Gonna stalk you everywhere, follow where you go. Cops's gonna arrest me, all because of my Neverending Cru-uh-ush--!
JUBILEE: [Whining.] Bobby ...
BOBBY: [Softly singing.] Aaah ah aaah ah aaaaah ah aaaaah aah ah ...

>called it volcanic. That was cool.

BOBBY: No, THIS is--
JUBILEE: NO POWERS! NO POWERS!
BOBBY: [Darkly.] You'll regret this, Jubilation.

> Desi sauntered into Giles' library to check out a
>book. Wasn't too hard to figure out, library, book, duh.
>Sometimes she wondred if no one else caught that concept
>=)

JUBILEE: What's amazing is that she did at all ...

>She loved to read. It was like reading and being
>transported into another world.

BOBBY: [Muttering.] the first time that i ever had before ... [Cries.]
JUBILEE: [Comforts him.] There, there ...

>She wondered around the library, looking for a particular
>book, and saw *him*.

BOBBY: [As Cher from Clueless.] "Hellooooooooooo! Like, library, librarian, duh!" [Hair toss.]

> *Him* was perfect.

JUBILEE: [Opens mouth.]
BOBBY: Wait for it ...

>*Him* was six foot, clad in leather, with beautiful brown
eyes and auburn hair.

JUBILEE: [Opens mouth.]
BOBBY: Wait for it ...

>*Him* who had been haunting her all this time.

JUBILEE: [Opens mouth.]
BOBBY: Wait for it...!

>*Him* held out his hand and said, "Come wit' me,
sunshine ... "

JUBILEE: *Him* who stole Pete Wisdom's accent.
BOBBY: See? Wasn't it worth the wait?

> And then he dissappeared.

JUBILEE: [Confused.] What?
BOBBY: *Him* didn't have a hall pass.
JUBILEE: Okay, we've gone from Ben Raab's Pete Wisdom to Jar Jar Binks ...
BOBBY: Meesa sorry!

> And Desi wept there on the library floor, until Cordy
>came up and they went shopping and the event was pushed
>away from her mind and that was cool.

JUBILEE: Wait a minute ... she's crying, Cordelia comes up, no catty remark, they go shopping in the middle of the school day, and everything is cool?!
BOBBY: No, THIS is--
JUBILEE: NO powers!
BOBBY: [Darkly] You'll--
JUBILEE: Yeah, yeah, "Jubilation will regret this," yadda. Lighten up, Sugar Ray. [Points to his clothes.]
BOBBY: [Points to her clothes and does the gay stereotype snap.] I wouldn't be talking, Miss Spears.
JUBILEE: Oh, you just didn't...!

[A grand fight ensues ... too beautiful to be put to mere words. There's dust, there's cartoon punching, there's a pause. The both have each other's necks and are getting ready to hit one another again as they turn to the audience and say the ever present line--]

BOTH: Don't worry, it's choreographed!

[Out of a rising dust of ... dust, Bobby emerges with the head of Pikachu in his mouth. There is one faint sound in the background is--]

EVIL VOICE OF PIKACHU: piiiiiii ... ... kaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ... ... .chu*?

[BOBBY takes his seat victoriously and JUBILEE crawls to hers.]

> ***--**--**--***
>
> The Second Slayer [25/56]
>
> ***--**--**--***
>
> He had a name. Desi (nickname) finally learned his
>name. His name was the name of the angels -- not that
>Angel, but *thee* angels.

BOBBY: "Thee" angels? Forgive me, I'm only half Catholic ... what are these angels?
JUBILEE: Uhm ... Charlie's?
BOBBY: Works for me.

>She couldn't help but feel like she out done Buffy.

JUBILEE: But that's a different fan fic all together!
BOBBY: [Raises an eyebrow and rubs his hands together.] Really, now, Miss Virginal Eyes?

>It was so cool that this one happened to have a soul, even
>if that meant that the couldn't do the funky bed matress
>surf,

JUBILEE: Five bucks says she doesn't even know what that even is.
BOBBY: Ten says you don't, Miss--
JUBILEE: Okay, okay, I subscribe to a slew of pornographic newsgroups like any other horny underage teenager, all right?
BOBBY: [Smiles.]

>but this was a love deeper than that.
> *Gabriel.*

JUBILEE: Knight.

> That name sent shivers down her limber timbers.

BOBBY: Arrgh, matey.

> "Gabriel."

JUBILEE: Knight.

> Clad in black biker leather with wraps wraping his
>face. Unruly Auburn hair that refused to be tamed.

BOBBY: Saaay ... that sounds familiar ...
JUBILEE: Wait for it ...

>And an outrageous Cockney accent.

JUBILEE: I thought only the French had the patent on the "outrageous" adjective ...

> "I could tame it!, " she said in a fit of giggles.
> Ooh, taming Gabriel, she thought to herself. How
>much fun could that be!(!)

JUBILEE: I will it not to become a lemon fic ... I will it not to be a lemon fic ...

>Desi put on her favorite patent leather slaying boots that
>went up to her thigh and went out to do some serious
>slayin'.

BOBBY: [Salivates at the thought of thigh high patent leather boots.]
JUBILEE: No lemons ... no lemons ...

>Maybe she'd bump into again and tell him what a bad
>boy Gabriel Evan Morestars was being!

BOBBY: Oooh ... plot twist. So, Paige wrote this monstrosity with Chamber in it?
JUBILEE: Well, I can't give away the other plot twist. It deals with Mice Tails #14, Little Me, out now. [Jubilee gives a thumbs up to the camera.]
BOBBY: But Mice wrote this, right?
JUBILEE: Well, yes, under the guise of Jade Rose.
BOBBY: Sort of like that whole Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines thing?
JUBILEE: [Nods.] But now it's time for a break!

**BREAK**

[Pan to a new room where many pagan supplies are. Incense is lit. Candles are everywhere. Bowls of water and salt are also present. A circle is outlined in chalk. Jubilee is in a brown robe holding a bundle of burning sage going around a lemon with the body of the EVIL PIKACHU fastened around her neck.]

JUBILEE: No lemon ... no lemon ...
BOBBY: Uhm, Jubilee, what are you doing?
JUBILEE: I'm making a plea to Spamanella, the protector of youths exposed to the lewd horrors of the internet. It also works for the not so youthful.
BOBBY: You think this will work?
JUBILEE: I made a plea for her to stop all of the mail I got after I signed up for a Xoom account and I haven't gotten anything from them since.
BOBBY: [Pauses.] Hand me some of that sage ...

**END BREAK**

> ***--**--**--***
>
> The Second Slayer [45/56]
>
> "Moi perfect Desdemona, nev'r Desi coise 't's too
>common fer ye, luv,

JUBILEE: Oh, he didn't get all those little notes that Desi is her nickname.
BOBBY: [Grinning evilly, JB McDragon like] Oh, I'll make sure he gets one ... I can forward this story to him ...
JUBILEE: How? He's a fictive!
BOBBY: So? Fictives have e-mail.
JUBILEE: [JUBILEE thinks this over for a minute and then nods.] How are you going to find it?
BOBBY: [Brings out a laptop, Laersyn style.] Yahoo is a wondrous tool ...
JUBILEE: But they allied with Geocities!
BOBBY: [Sluggy-esque.] How e-ville.

[BOBBY begins to do a search and JUBILEE groans.]

>Oi'm afraid that Oi'm gurna have ta leave ye. I can'ta stand ta hurt you
>like this, luv."

JUBILEE: [Horshack-esque; arms flailing.] Ooh! Ooh! Pick me, Mr. Kotter! I can do it!

> "You can't leave me, Gabby! I need you! Need you
>like I've never needed anyone like I needed anyone like
>you!

JUBILEE: That's it, Mice, no more X-MST3K for you!

>Your blood is my blood and vice versa! Our karma is
>intertwined, I'm Desdexena: Warrior Slayer and you're
>Gabriel, my side kick, without the blond hair, of course!"

JUBILEE: She did not just dis Xena like that ... Bobby ... [Nothing, as he is enthralled with the laptop.] ... BOBBY!
BOBBY: WHAT?
JUBILEE: She dissed Xena!
BOBBY: Heathens!
JUBILEE: [Looks at the laptop screen.] Hey, that's not Yahoo...!
BOBBY: Don't make me re-nig on my promise to Spamenella ...
JUBILEE: Zipping lip.

> Gabriel laughed. How incredibly funny she was. How witty. How sexy. How
>smart.

BOBBY: He hasn't really been paying attention to the story, has he?

>How could he resist >his little love treasure. He knew she
>couldn't resist hers ...

JUBILEE: EEEEW! EEEEEEW! EEEEEW! [Breaths.] Ew.
BOBBY: Well, at least it didn't turn out to be a lemon.

[MICE enters the studio.]

MICE: Hey guys.
JUBILEE: Hey, Mice.
BOBBY: Hi, Mice! [Smiles brightly.]
MICE: [Smiles shyly and curtsies.] hello,mr.drake,sir. [Recovers.] Jubilee, I hate to do this to you, but so many people wanted to read the love scene, that ...
JUBILEE: Nooooo! Mice, please!! I beg you!
MICE: This is the perfect way to show it! During my own self-promotion for the story I'm working on now, "God ... er, Dog" starring Jubilee and Bobby Drake! [Smiles.]
BOBBY: I don't know, Mice ... I've seen your bad love scenes and ... [Wavers his hand.]
MICE: [Fumbles for words] yeahuhmsorryaboutthat,mr.drake,sir. [Recovers from the shock that BOBBY DRAKE is talking to her.] Jubilee, please, I don't get a lot of promotion, and you guys are doing fabulous job! [All give a thumbs up simultaneously.] Please MSTie my love scene?
BOBBY: Heh ... you're lucky flattery works on me, Mice.
MICE: [Melting.] Jubilee?
JUBILEE: I am a minor ...
MICE: Don't give me that! I WROTE a lemon when I was fifteen! And on NyQuil!! [Looks to BOBBY and lowers head.] terriblyterriblysorry,mr.drake,sir.
BOBBY: [Smiles.] Forget about it. I did.
MICE: [Melts again.] Jubilee? Please?
JUBILEE: All right, all right ... bring on the lemon. Sigh.
MICE: Thanks, Jubilee! [Hugs her.] thankyoueversomuch,mr.drake,sir. [Bows.]
JUBILEE: Mice, you want to join us for the rest of this MSTie?
MICE: Sounds like fun, but I got to get going. I got a new idea for ...
ALL: "God ... er, Dog," a story about Jubilee and Bobby Drake. [All put up their thumbs.]
BOBBY: Come on, Mice! We're almost done! Share some of that celebrated wit with us!
MICE: [Blushing.] thankyouforyourkindwords,mr.drake,sir,butigottagetgoing.
BOBBY: Oh ... okay. See you later, Mice!
JUBILEE: See ya, Micer!
MICE: Later, Juber! [Gives JUBILEE a noogie.] hopetheeveningfindsyouwell,mr.drake,sir. [Walks out backwards with her head bowed in respect.]
JUBILEE: [Out of MICE'S earshot.] She is so gone over you!
BOBBY: Hey, she's female and doesn't have an s&m fetish, let her crush on! [Grins.]
JUBILEE: [Mutters.] so you think ...
BOBBY: What?
JUBILEE: Bring on the lemon!!

> ***--**--**--***
>
> The Second Slayer [45/56]
>
> "Moi perfect Desdemona, nev'r Desi coise 't's too
>common fer ye, luv, Oi'm afraid that Oi'm gurna have ta
>leave ye. I can'ta stand ta hurt you like this, luv."

JUBILEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've been through this!
BOBBY: Patience, Jubilee! One might think you actually want to read the lemony goodness!
JUBILEE: Oh, just shut up!

> "You can't leave me, Gabby! I need you! Need you
>like I've never needed anyone like I needed anyone like
>you! Your blood is my blood and vice versa! Our karma
>is intertwined, I'm Desdexena: Warrior Slayer and you're
>Gabriel, my side kick, without the blond hair, of course!"
> Gabriel laughed. How incredibly funny she was. How witty. How sexy. How
>smart. How could he resist
>his little love treasure. He knew she couldn't resist her's.
> Desdemona was looking particularly sexy this
>evening, he thought.

JUBILEE: Yes, folks, you heard it here first, Gabriel can THINK!

>If he stayed lingered a little longer there with her, he
>would defanately lose his soul.

BOBBY: So THAT'S what they call losing your virginity in Stereotypical England ...

>"Desdemona ... alright, Oi'll stay, but I'll need ter get
>gowan."

BOBBY: [In a National Geographic voice.] Watch as the horrible Cockney accent changes with the environment of the sentence ...

> Screamed Desdemona, "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She ran,
>crashing into

JUBILEE: [Crossing fingers.] Brick wall, brick wall!
BOBBY: I'm hoping for the trusty "spiked wall," myself ...
JUBILEE: Ooooooh...! Squishy!

>his arms.

BOTH: DAMN!

>"I must have you, Gab. Please, take me, I don't care if
>you'll turn into a monster,

JUBILEE: [As Desdemona.] "In fact, that's kind of a turn on!"

>we'll just do that spell that Willow did to Angel whenever
>we have sex, please, Gab ... "

JUBILEE: [As Dr. Drew of Loveline.] "You know you can use Willow's Morning After Spell for situations like this."
BOBBY: [As Adam Carolla of Loveline.] "And the ricockulous conservatives out there are so concerned that they're going to use this as a method of contraception -- LET THEM! The less soulless screwballs that are out there, the less taxes I'll have to pay, and the more money I can spend on stuff that really matters ... like porn!"

>Tears staining her face, Desdemona faced Gabriel. He put
>a hand to her lovely face. How could he say no, he
>thought as he brought his lips and fangs down to touch
>hers', except she didn't ahve fangs (Heheh =).

BOBBY: [As a very flat Ed McMahon.] Ha. Ha. Good one. Sir.

> Gabriel kissed her hungrily, not the hungry kiss of
>hunger, but of *hunger*, that deep down hunger that gets
>inside you.

JUBILEE: The "Snickers" kind of hunger.

> Desdemona moaned at his passion.

BOBBY: Bobby laughed at her idiocy.

>Finally, tonight, she would lose her virginity!

JUBILEE: This rules out "virgin sacrifice" ... change our ad in eBay to "Slutty Sacrifice."
BOBBY: Check!

>Gabriel was everythign she could have wanted in a first
>lover. Gorgeous, smart, sensitive, and funny.

JUBILEE: Let's not forget that, "Blood sucking undead fiend" part.

>He grabber her breast, she moanedwith exquisite pleasure.

BOBBY: Oh, yes. I know when I "grabber" a woman's breast, she moans with pleasure such as that.
JUBILEE: You are so Chandler on every episode of Friends...

>She wrapped her legs around his waste.

JUBILEE: Yes, he is quite a waste, being paired up with Desi.
BOBBY: Remember, it's her nickname!

>She could feel his dead-manhood harden against her kitty. "Make me purr,
>you bad, bad boy ... " he purred into his
>ear.

JUBILEE: Eeeeeeew! Slash fic alert! Slash fic alert!
BOBBY: [Nonchalantly.] Eh. Been there. Done that.
JUBILEE: Again, and again, and again ...

[BOBBY glares at JUBILEE who smiles innocently.]

> Gabriel responded with a growl and went down to
>her breasts and sucked on them inhumanly.

JUBILEE: Wait, when did her top come off??
BOBBY: First, you'd be surprised what you can suck with a shirt on. Second, if that shirt came off, I would know. I got a sense for these sort of things.
JUBILEE: Does your "slayer sense" tingle?

>How good her flesh tasted on his tongue!!! He was going
>to come right then and there, but Desdemona wouldn't let
>him!

BOBBY: How did that happen? Did she rap his nose with a newspaper?

> Desdemona gave him the bj of a lifetime. He came a
>lot. He asked her about condoms, and she said that slayers
>had a natural contraceptive in their systems and he was
>undead, so it didn't matter.

BOBBY: [As Gabriel.] "Uh, yeah, undead ... that's it, listen, Desdemona--"
JUBILEE: [As Desi.] "Desi."
BOBBY: "Yeah, whatever. That whole undead thing, just a line. Will you still give me the bj of a lifetime?"
JUBILEE: "As IF! I only go for bad, bad boys!"
BOBBY: [Opens his mouth to sing, Jubilee puts a hand over it.]

> The were free to explore their limitless passion of
>olde. The did it right there on the streets of Sunnydale.

JUBILEE: And nobody saw?
BOBBY: Well, in Sunnydale, they have the "darkly clouded mystery" clouds ...
JUBILEE: Ah!

>She came all over the place, as did he. They came a lot.

BOBBY: [Singing.] Forest of Feelings, Came-A-Lot, and Earth are the homes we share ...
JUBILEE: No, Bobby, no Care Bear references ...
BOBBY: [Still singing.] They're different in some ways, some ways not, but home is where the heart, home is where the -- FOREST of FEELINGS, CAME--
JUBILEE: [Takes away his laptop.]
BOBBY: [Bows head down shamefully.] I'll be a good boy now.
JUBILEE: You're just saying that so Desi--
BOBBY: Her nickname--
JUBILEE: --won't come after you.
BOBBY: Just an added bonus, is all ...

>They reached a firey passion that few ever achieved. He
>ate out of her

JUBILEE: Wow, she's a fast food place!
BOBBY: [Singing.] Have it your way-- [Stops in fear of Jubilee.]
JUBILEE: It's okay. It's attributed to her sluttiness.

>and that made her come even more. Then he finally put
>his penis in her virginal tight hole. "OI've got a new stake
>for a pretty li'uhl slayah like yew tar try oot."

BOBBY: And God said, "Waka cha. Waka cha. Waka cha." And it was sleazy.
JUBILEE: I thought Gabriel was Cockney, why is he Canadian all the sudden??

> "Wow, she she said,"This feels even better than my

BOBBY: Uh, oh ...
JUBILEE: What, Bobby...?
BOBBY: I just got a flash of why she kept that stake so close to her side ...
JUBILEE: What do you -- OH MY GOD!! EW!

>vibrator,

BOTH: Phew!

>or my steak"!

BOTH: AUGH!!
BOBBY: Calm down, she could have just meant a New York Strip Steak or London Broil...!

> After they had an orgazim, they laid (PUN! Heheh!
>--Jade)

BOBBY: [Laughing his head off.] How funny!
JUBILEE: Bobby, this laughter is genuine...?
BOBBY: I'm a sucker for horrible puns!

>in Gabriel's loft.

JUBILEE: IE, his head.
BOBBY: Hee hee ... "laid"!

>They finally calmed down after an intense night of making
>love.

BOBBY: [Looking nauseous.] Well, it made something all right ...

>No way in hell(mouth)

[Bobby erupts in laughter again.]

>would they be doing anything else, or eachother, for at
>least a week!

BOTH: WAHOO! [Bobby and Jubilee get up and to the "Dance of Joy"]

>"Is it true," he asked, "that you use a vibrator and a stake
>in yer kitty?" She nodded and blushed. "Don't be
>embarassed, luvaducka. It actually toins me on!"
> "Yeah?"
> "YEAH!"
> She smiled that seductive smile of hers. "Well, then
>let's go for another round!!"

BOTH: NO!!!!!

> And they did! Again, and again ... and again...!!

JUBILEE: Make it stop, make it stop...!

>The End

BOTH: YES!

> ... for now! ;)

BOTH: [Groan.]

[The fan fic implodes and then swallows itself into a black hole.]

BOBBY: So, Jubilee ... how do you feel about "The Second Slayer"?
JUBILEE: I think my feelings can be best expressed by a brief monologue from Khrys Constatine's "Sunshine Lost." I'll be myself.

[She takes center stage. The room goes dark except a spotlight that shines on her.]

JUBILEE: "N-no ... D-don't h-hurt me a-anymore ... please ... Ah-oww! N-no ... ya-you d-don't understand! H-he T-TOOK s-somethin' from me! S-somethin' i-inside ah-of me is MISSING ... a-and it H-HURTS w-where it u-used ta-to be ... "

[Lights are brought back up. Jubilee bows. Bobby is crying.]

BOBBY: Wow ... [Wipes tears on his sleeves.]
JUBILEE: What about you, Bobby?
BOBBY: Well, Jubilee, it reminded me of the old days of X-Men ... [Faint, Tom Sawyer-like banjo music begins to play in the background, lights fade softly, creating a storytelling environment.] No, not the early Jim Lee stuff, the olden days with Kirby and Lee at the helm. [Chuckles.] Yessir, I remember. When every sentence was accentuated with one or ... or maybe four exclamation points. When Jean was Scott's impossible treasure, Scott was Jean's endless love, and Jean was Xavier's little tawdry and forbidden sex kitten. Yessir, I remember such a panel where the triangle of angst existed. You think that Gambit and Chamber angst? Well, those boys couldn't even hold a candle to them good ol'days ... yessir... [Banjo music changes to a familiar banjo tune. You can hear a faint voice singing, "Jest those good ol'boys..."] Why, I remember this one time when me and Hank were driving General Lee out back and that crazy Sheriff Magneto was on our tail again...! But we outsmarted them! Then, that crazy Daisy Grey came out in those short shorts of hers and...! [Laughs.] Oh, good times!
JUBILEE: Bobby ...
BOBBY: And then, there was this time when me and Luke Duke--
JUBILEE: BOBBY!!
BOBBY: [Lights come back up, music disappears.] What? What happened?
JUBILEE: You were reminiscing about the old days when you started mixing reality with the Dukes of Hazard!
BOBBY: [Smiles almost too knowingly.] Was I, Jubilee? Was I?
JUBILEE: Yee-ah ... [Shakes head.] Well, that's all the time we have for this Mice Tail!
BOBBY: And be sure to look for us soon in "God ... er, Dog"!
BOTH: Good night!

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