Notes: Okay, so I was reading Glambeau's story "Following Through" [its on Lori's archive], which is a mature piece about Bobby and Remy getting it on, and found myself wondering, if Bobby and Remy really did get together, what would happen when they went home to tell the X-Men? Unfortunately, I did said wondering a bit late at night, on a junk food high, so this extremely silly mess is what I came up with.
Disclaimer: Not mine, Marvel's. But I really don't think they'd approve of this.
WARNING: This story contains extreme silliness and terrible characterisation, and no plot whatsoever. And there's some bad language too.

by Poi Lass

"Are y' sure you wan' t' do dis cher?"

"It was your idea. You said we should be honest with everyone. You said I should stop lying about myself. Besides, it's not like you can ever keep a secret in this place, gossip travels at light speed ... Unless -- um -- you've changed your mind?"

"Non, of course not--"

"It's okay, really, if you'd rather just pretend it never happened, I mean, no big deal, I get dumped all the time, its practically my second mutant gift--"

Remy stopped Bobby's nervous babbling with a passionate kiss and then drew back to look deep into his eyes.

"I haven't changed my mind." He said softly.

"Oh. Okay!" Bobby smiled goofily at him and skipped off to start spreading the news.

Right. Remy decided firmly. I guess I should start wit' Rogue ... if I c'n find her ... mebbe I should get my body armour on first though ... an' a bazooka or somet'ing ... mebbe I jus' let Bobby tell her? Or send her a letter? Dat might be a good idea. I write her a letter. She always loves t' get mail...

Meanwhile...

"Um Hank? There's probably something I should tell you. It's sort of -- um -- important. I mean, not Legacy Virus important, but, um. Important to me."

"Go right ahead Robert. I'm listening. And eating too, I do hope that's all right."

Hank took a big bite out of his sandwich and looked at Bobby over it, his furry eyebrows raised. Bobby took a deep breath and said the words he had spent several painstaking hours carefully preparing.

"I slept with Gambit."

Hank choked.

Boby watched him coughing up his lungs and wondered if maybe he should have worked up to the revelation a little more slowly.

"You -- you--" Hank stopped spluttering and looked at the bits of sandwich now spread all over him and his desk.

"Did you deliberately wait until I had my mouth full before you said that?"

Bobby's mouth twitched.

"Would I do a thing like that?" he said innocently.

Meanwhile...

"Hey Joseph -- you still want Rogue? She all yours! Gambit gay now!"

"Really? Cool..."

Meanwhile...

"Scott -- there's something I need to tell you."

"Of course Bobby. Sit down."

"Umm. Well, the thing is ... umm ... I'm gay." He blurted, and then held his breath.

"I see. Well..." Bobby had a feeling Scott was blinking in surprise, but what with the visor and everything, he couldn't really tell.

"Well." He said again. "As long as you're happy with it Bobby, you know it doesn't make any difference to me. Or to any of us, I'm sure. But if you don't mind me saying -- isn't this a little -- sudden?" Bobby gave an silent sigh of relief. It was going much better than he'd expected. But he should've know Scott would be okay. After all, he'd spent his life dedicated to pursuing a dream of toleration and equal rights and -- so on and so forth, blah blah blah.

"Well -- no, not really. I mean, I guess I've really sort of known for a while, and just not wanted to admit it." Bobby explained, beginning to feel more comfortable discussing it with his old friend. Scott nodded sagely in understanding, and reached over to pat him supportively on the shoulder.

"But it didn't really click until I slept with Remy."

"Until you WHAT???!!" Scott screeched, rising to his feet and lunging over his desk to grab Bobby by his shirt collar.

There just isn't a subtle way to slip that into the conversation, is there?

"You heard. And, um, we're dating now."

"BOBBY, YOU CAN'T---!!"

Bobby pulled himself out of Scott's death grip and took a frantic glance at his watch.

"Oh gosh, is that the time? Gotta go Scotty!" he dived out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

That went very well, I thought.

Meanwhile...

"Oh -- ello Henri. Um. How're you?"

"I'm perfectly well. You need not look so terrified, my Cajun friend. Bobby has already told me of your, ah -- new relationship."

"Oh." Remy looked at him nervously. "And you--?"

"-Am happy and delighted for you both." Hank grinned broadly at him and shook his hand.

"Oh! Dat's wonderful Hank, I can't tell you how much dat means -- eep!" Remy found his words cut off as Hank lunged forward with sudden menace in his eyes.

"However just let me add one small addendum to my congratulations--" Hank, pressed Remy up against the wall, one clawed hand wrapped around his neck, the other digging painfully into his genitals. His voice was friendly. His eyes were not.

"If you break Bobby's heart, I will rip yours still beating out of your body, slice it up, fry it with a little olive oil, a few herbs and spices, prehaps a little lemon juice -- and eat it. With a nice Chianti. D'accord, mon ami??"

"Oui!" Remy squeaked in high soprano, as Hank's claws cruelly threatened his manhood.

"Marvelous. Then I hope the two of you have a long, happy and fulfulling relationship. Or else." Hank smiled pleasantly at him, set him carefully down, and bounded from the room.

Meanwhile...

"BOBBY!!" he heard Scott bellow. "COME BACK HERE!!"

"Shit." Bobby ran down the hall and leapt through the nearest open door, closing it just as Scott burst into the hall and Warren came running to see what all the noise was about. Bobby put his ear to the door.

"Warren! Did you see Bobby just now?"

"No. What's wrong?"

"He says he's GAY!"

"And this is news to you becaaaause?" Bobby scowled at Warren's amused, knowing tone.

"You smug bastard Worthington." he muttered. And then froze as Scott continued.

"He says he's dating GAMBIT!"

"He's WHAT???!! That -- that TRAITOR!!!" Warren shrieked.

Oh SHIT...! Bobby cowered behind his door. He'd sort of been hoping Warren might've gotten past the traitor thing by now...

"I need to talk to him. I really don't think he's thought this through..." Scott said worriedly.

"Right! Let's get him! Well make him see sense if we have to beat it into him!"

"Um, Warren, I was really thinking more along the lines of--"

"It's for the good of the team Scotty. And if that doesn't work, we'll tie him down and get the Prof to lobotomise him!!"

"You don't think that's maybe a little extreme--?"

"It's for his own good! It's for the good of the team!"

"I'm not sure the Professor would go for it..."

"Jeannie??"

"I really doubt it."

"But it's for the good of the team!!" Warren squarked in disbelieving protest.

"Well -- how exactly is it--?" Scott tried.

"He's fucking a fucking TRAITOR Scotty! GAMBIT! Do you really think Gambit should be rewarded for betraying us like that?!" Bobby grinned a little smugly at that. He was a reward...

"You don't think dating Bobby counts more as punishment...?" Bobby's grin faded. So much for Scott being supportive...

"Obviously Bobby is being brainwashed or manipulated or remote controled or drugged or something!! He's DERANGED!! We must SAVE him!! It's for the good of the team!!!" Warren was beginning to sound faintly deranged himself.

"Warren, I don't like to say this, but I'm beginning to feel it might be more because you really hate Gambit..."

Warren squealed his new mantra. "It's for the good of the TEAM! Get Bobby!!! Get BOBBY!!!!"

Bobby winced from his hiding place as he heard Warren flapping off, and Scott running after him, yelling at him to wait. Bobby collapsed against the door groaning.

"That really wasn't how I intended Warren to find out..."

"Ah'll bet." A sweet southern drawl from behind him made Bobby stiffen in sudden terror.

Oh no ... not her ... anyone but her...

"So tell me Sugah, just how were you intending me to find out?"

Ohshitohshitohshitohshit... Bobby turned reluctantly to face his worst nightmare, pasting a false smile across his face.

"Um, hullo Rogue." He said weakly.

Meanwhile...

Remy slumped against the wall, wishing he wore looser pants. Tight jeans might look really cool, but when great blue mutants stuck their claws in it got kinda uncomfortable...

"Hello Remy..." A husky voice purred next to his ear. Remy leapt several terrified feet into the air.

"Wha--? Oh, Jean. Mon dieu, don' sneak up on a body like dat!"

"But it's such a nice body..." she smiled seductively and slowly ran a finger down his chest.

Remy blinked. This wasn't like Jean ... Still, since she was here..."Ummm. Tell me, 'ave you spoken to Bobby today?"

"No. Why?" Se wrapped a strand of his hair around her finger, still smiling at him. He struggled valiantly on.

"Well, dere's somet'ing we sort o' been wanting t' tell everyone..."

"Could you hang on a moment Remy? Scott is trying to tell me..."

Jean's eyes widened suddenly. She turned on Remy furiously, using her telepathic powers (completely unethically, of course. Bad Jean.) to read his mind and confirm what her husband had just told her.

"YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH BOBBY??!!"

"Ah ... oui? Don' s'pose you be happy for me...?"

"YOU TWO TIMING BASTARD!!!"

"I ain't two timing nobody! Rogue dumped me in Antarctica!"

"I MEANT ME!!"

"...what??!" Remy asked, bewildered. She stopped and thought for a second.

"...oh. Sorry. Wrong story. Never mind..." She gave it a moment's more thought and then nodded.

"Right. Okay, well, I guess that's nice then. Now we have token gays! The professor's dream just gets more lovely every day, doesn't it?" she smiled brightly at him.

"Uh -- sure. Well, t'anks Jeannie -- eep!"

Remy squealed, as the Pheonix effect appeared around Jean and one wing stretched out to grab him by his genitals and hold him upside down with fiery claws.

"Jean? Wha's dis?" he said, soprano again.

Dis happens again, m'voice is gonna be stuck like dis...

"<ahem>. Bobby is my friend Remy, but he's very stupid in the romance department. I don't want him to get hurt again. So this is just to tell you, that if you break his heart, I will rip yours out and--"

"Actually, I already got dis death threat from Henri."

"You did?" Jean's face fell. "The bit about the nice Chianti too--?"

"Oui. Sorry." She stamped her foot, and Gambit winced. "It's not fair! Why does he always get the good lines??! I never get to say anything cute!"

"Well y' gotta give him sometin'g," Remy said trying to smile charmingly through his tears of pain. "After all, he blue and furry, you get t'be devastingly beautiful redhead."

Jean smiled prettily at that, and then her expression suddenly darkened.

"Wait just a minute. Are you hitting on me? You're supposed to be in love with Bobby now, YOU TWO TIMING BASTARD!!"

"NO! Jeannie please, I was jus' being polite!!" Remy yelped as her hold on him grew tighter. But Jean's eyes only grew darker with power.

"YOU MEAN YOU DON'T THINK I'M BEAUTIFUL????" she said dangerously.

Remy thought for a moment, then opened his mouth and screamed like a baby for help.

Meanwhile...

"YOU SLEPT WITH MAH REMY??!"

"Rogue, c'mon, he's not really yo -- eep!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! He made me!" Bobby babbled pathetically.

"What're you saying Drake? He raped you??"

"NO! Of course not -- but you know ... he's really cute ... and everyone knows I have no backbone -- it's one of my most endearing character traits."

Rogue thought for a moment, and then shoved him harder. "That ain't one of your character traits! That's one of Joseph's!!" she hissed.

"Oh. Damn ... umm..." he searched frantically for another excuse, then gave up, closed his eyes, and waited for the end. He hoped she'd make it quick ... Then he felt warm breath on his cheek.

"Bobby?" she said softly.

He opened his eyes cautiously, wondering why he wasn't dead yet, to find Rogue's face hovering inches from his own. Her wide green eyes looked anxiously into his.

"Bobby ... tell me ... what was it like??!"

Meanwhile...

"Red, put him down. C'mon now, put him down." Logan weedled. Jean finally tossed her head petulantly and dropped him.

"Fine. Sure. I don't care. Nobody loves me anyway." She sniffed and stormed out.

"No Jeannie, c'mon..." Logan sighed. "Geez, kid, what the hell did you do to get her that mad?" Gambit, exhausted, slumped against the wall. He didn't think he could take much more `coming out' today.

"Um. Not'ing." He said awkwardly.

Logan laughed.

"Nothin' huh? I'll bet. Y'know you--" Logan stopped speaking suddenly, and sniffed the air. His eyes narrowed as he pounced on Remy and sniffed him furiously. He grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him furiously against the wall.

"You had sex with DRAKE???" he growled.

"Umm..."

"Why I oughta rip your lungs out! YOU TWO TIMING BASTARD!!"

"But Rogue dumped me--"

"I MEANT ME!"

"...what?!" Remy gasped in astonishment.

"Oh, wait. Wrong story. Never mind..." Logan let go of him abruptly. "Um. I have ta go take a cold shower. See ya kid." He rushed out of the room as Remy stared after him in amazement.

Meanwhile...

"C'mon Bobby, just one touch! I just wanna know what it's like! You owe me ya bastard!" Bobby ducked and dived as Rogue flew after him, arms outstretched.

"Hey look! There he is!" Warren divebombed him, pinning him to the ground.

"Quick Betsy, while he's dazed!"

"You get away from him Worthington! I want first shot!"

"Rogue ... would you like to go to the pictures with me?"

"Shut up Joseph."

"But I love you..."

"Shut up Joseph."

"It's all right Bobby," Warren assured his friend, grinning a little manically. "This isn't going to hurt ... not for long anyway."

"Really Warren, don't you think you're overreacting a little? It's not like either of them could ever maintain a relationship for any length of time anyway. Just give it a couple of months and Remy will get bored with him."

Tears welled in Bobby's eyes.

"She's right!" he bawled. "He doesn't really love me ... nobody loves me ... it's not fair!"

"Oh for Christ's sake..." Betsy rolled her eyes. "I think you're right Warren. A mind wipe could only be an improvement."

"NO!" Rogue protested. "You can't wipe his mind! I haven't absorbed it yet--"

"Now look, I think we should all discuss this calmly--"

"Robert, you may need stitches--"

"Get offa him Worthington! That's my boyfriend you be sitting on--"

"Goddess! Clearly his recent troubles have driven him insane--"

>>MY X-MEN!! THAT'S ENOUGH!!<< After shutting everybody up with his mental shout (nice entrance, but not all that ethical), Professor Xavier continued more calmly.

"Now, would someone please tell me just WHAT is going on here?"

"Gambit's a traitor and we have to--"

"It's not FAIR professah, I went out with Gambit for years and AH nevah got ta sleep with him once!"

"We have to give Bobby a lobotomy Prof, it's the only way--"

"I think it's sweet, I mean, now we have TWO gays. Alpha Flight only has one and the Avengers don't have ANY, so that makes us, like, `Most Liberal Superheroes'--"

"But Rogue, I still love you--"

"Shut UP Joseph!"

"WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE!" Xavier screamed to make himself heard over the multitude of angry voices. "BOBBY AND REMY HAD SEX???" Everyone nodded. Charles looked at the couple in utter horror.

"YOU TWO TIMING BASTARDS!!"

Stunned silence...

"...What?" someone eventually ventured.

"Oh. Um." The professor looked down, embarassed. "Never mind..."

The End.

Credits.
Jean's 'wrong story' was "More Than Friends" by Laersyn.
Wolvie's `wrong story' was "Strangers In the Night" by A Lias.
Don't ask about Xavier's. Really. Don't.
But feel free to send me feedback on any other topic ... ;-).
poilass@bigfoot.com

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