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"A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men"

A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve

(This story takes place after Onslaught and before that Bastion dork came along, it also doesn't quite fit into continuity, but oh well, that's never stopped Marvel!)
Generation X and the X-Men are all trademarks of Marvel Entertainment. No attempt is being made to infringe on these trademarks. Blah blah blah.

Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Part One

"Boy, it's great to be back in the X-Mansion again," said Jubilee.

"Si. I'm just dying of happiness over here," said Skin. "Only I think the boredom is gonna get me first."

The other members of Generation X voiced their agreement.

Technically they were all at the mansion to 'help out', but in reality they were there because the X-Men needed the aid of both of the headmasters to cope with the damage caused during that whole Onslaught mess, neither of whom trusted the team on their own at the school.

Storm observed all this on her way past the TV room. "If you have nothing better to do there are a large number of boxes in the attic that need sorting out." She suggested.

"Why not?" Asked Paige, "There' nothing else to do. Coming guys?"

"I'm in," said Jubilee. The others all decided that they might as well join in, and the group headed for the attic. On the way they passed Rogue and Joseph, who was being given a tour.

"So this was when Jean was evil, and so was I?"

"No, this was when Jean was dead and you were evil." said Rogue, indicating the group photos on the desk.


In the attic, hope that there might be something interesting soon died. The gloomy atmosphere prevalent everywhere else in the mansion was especially bad up there, and the majority of the boxes turned out to be uninteresting. "Nothin' but clothes, clothes and more clothes," said Skin.

"Hey, these aren't just ANY old clothes," said Jubilee. "These are all the old costumes!"

"Some of them very old," agreed Monet, holding up some original New Mutant uniforms.

"A history of the X-Men in costumes," said Skin. "I tell you, my excitement is so thick I can barely breathe."

"Boy, I'm glad I didn't have to wear this thing," said Everett, examining Havok's old hoop-thing head gear. "Right Jubes? Jubes?"

Jubilee sat there, a strange expression on her face. "A history of the X-Men in costumes.... Skin, you are a GENIUS! Somebody give me a pen and some paper! Oh, and some pins, duct tape and scissors!"

The X-Men, gathered at the dinner table after the dishes had been cleared away, began talking.

"MMmmm, that chicken was delicious." said Bobby.

"Yes indeed, but now I fear I must return to my work," Hank replied.


The conversation died and they all stared around blankly. They were all still shell-shocked in the wake of the Onslaught incident.

All were uncomfortably silent, and continued so as Scott stood and led the exodus from the table. It was a short trek however, as they entered the living room to find it transformed. Chairs had been set up facing a large area which had been curtained off. The X-Men stared at this setup. Suddenly, the curtains parted enough for Jubilee to step out.

"What the hell is going on?" Asked Wolverine.

Jubilee cleared her throat. "Ladies and gentlemen! Please take your seats, the show is about to start!"

Confused, the X-Men chose seats.

"Do you have any idea what this is about?" Scott asked Sean.

"Not a thing, Emma?"

Emma Frost shrugged. Jubilee waited until everyone had settled down and then cleared her throat again. Consulting some notes she held in her hand she spoke up, moving to the left side of the 'stage' as she did so.

"And now, as a special treat, Generation X Productions presents: A Short History of the X-Men. Based on a true story, and adapted slightly to make it funnier, we begin with a man..."

The curtains opened. Synch stood in the middle of the stage, wearing a suit.

"He was a man with a dream," Jubilee continued.

"I have a dream," said Synch in a broad Southern accent. "A dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia.."

"Uh Ev? Wrong dream."

"Oops," Synch grinned, "Sorry." He exited left to giggling from Rogue and Jean, which multiplied when he returned to the stage wearing a shower cap.

"I have a dream," he said solemnly. "A dream that one day, humans and mutants will live together in peace."

There was silence.

Jubilee spoke again, "He shared this dream with his closest friend."

Jono stepped onto the stage. "You've got to be bleeding kiddin' me mate, it'll never happen!"

"They agreed to disagree."

"Oh yeah?" snarled Synch.

"Yeah!" replied Jono.

"Oh yeah?"


"Well, then I think you're a stupid dork!"

"And you're a bald git!"

"HA!" They both stalked off on either side of the stage.

Bobby and Hank were snickering, Joseph was grinning, and Professor Xavier looked less depressed than he had before.

"Anyway, moving right along. Prof X, the dreamer, decided to form a team of mutants to fight evil mutants and promote better relations between humans and mutants. And he named them... the X-MEN!"

Cheers from the audience.

Jubilee grinned, "And here they are."

"Uh oh," said Scott.

"His first (and only female) recruit - JEAN GREY! AKA MARVEL GIRL!"

Husk walked onstage wearing a green dress and mask and freshly husked red hair. She curtsied to the sound of wolf whistles. Sam glared at Roberto, who grinned and gave one more whistle before stopping.

"Fearless leader and he of the firm jaw, SCOTT SUMMERS! AKA CYCLOPS!"

Jono returned to the stage, wearing a visor. "Make it so!" He spoke.

"Man of many syllables, HANK McCOY, AKA THE BEAST!"

Mondo grinned at the audience as he walked onstage, Hank's old costume bulging a little.

"Rich playboy and mutant about town, WARREN WORTHINGTON THE THIRD, AKA THE ANGEL!"

Angelo flapped bits of skin as he joined the others. Bobby was choking with laughter.

"I wouldn't laugh if I was you," said Hank amusedly. "I believe they've run out of male team members."


"Oh don't worry Bobby. We wouldn't do that to you." called Jubilee.

"Why not?" came a yell from the X-Force area.

"Because we're nice people. So now we present the final member of the original X-Men... the mutant freezer named... BOBBY DRAKE! AKA ICEMAN!"

There were howls of laughter from the audience as Artie walked onstage, projecting images of ice cubes.

"Together they are the Uncanny X-Men! With but one dream on their minds!"

As one, all of the men onstage turned and stared at Paige, panting heavily. In the audience, Jean blushed furiously, and Scott squeezed her hand, grinning all the while.

"AHEM! The dream you guys, the dream!" reminded Jubilee.

"Oh yeah," everyone straightened up a little.

"They were a force for good! And it wasn't long before they got their first test!"

Jono took off the visor and handed it to Jubilee. He stepped away from the 'X-Men', and picked something up from offstage. The audience burst out laughing as he solemnly placed one of Magneto's old helmets onto his head.

"I have a dream!" he announced. "A dream that mutants will rule the world!"

"That's wrong!" said Synch as Xavier. "Humans and mutants must co-exist! That is my dream!"

Jubilee handed him the visor and he donned it. "And we will fight to defend that dream!" he proclaimed.

"Oh yeah?" asked 'Magneto'.

"Yeah!" answered 'Xavier'.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!" replied the 'X-Men'.

"Oh yeah?"

"YEAH!" roared Gen X, the audience and the narrator.

"Oh well fine. Be that bloody way then." Jono stalked offstage to wild cheering.

Jubilee waited for it to quiet down a little, then spoke again. "The triumphant X-Men went on to have many more battles, none of them very interesting."

Boos and hisses from the original team mingled with yells of agreement and laughter from everyone else.

"They also got two more members - Havoc and Polaris." Penance and Leech joined the crowd onstage. "This when the first appearances of a terrible mutant plague began to become apparent. It would come to be known... the SUMMERS EFFECT!" Jubilee shouted. She grinned and waited as the audience shrieked with laughter.

"This is great!" Bobby choked out.

"Indeed." said Emma frostily [it had to happen - Jae.] "I'm just curious as to how Jubilee managed to persuade all of the others to take part in this lunacy."

Jubilee overheard and grinned at her teacher, "I have all the negatives."

"She bloody does too," came a yell from offstage. More laughter.

"Anyway," Jubilee reasserted herself. "Things continued along quite happily. Until one day, they got on the wrong side of a mutant island."

"Gaaak!" yelled the X-Men onstage as M ran around them with a rope and dragged them offstage.

"Leaving only Scott to go for help."

Jono reentered and re-donned the visor. Synch also entered as Xavier.

"We'll have to get more mutants!" Synch yelled.

"And so..." Jubilee trailed off as Synch took up position on the right side of the stage. "... they did."

Mondo ran onstage with a feather stuck in his hair, pretending to hunt deer. Jubilee watched him, "Okay, it's feeble, but it was the best we could do on short notice!" Mondo shrugged, then high-fived Synch and wandered off behind him. Next Skin, in a Sunfire costume, walked over to Synch, nodded and exited right as well. Then M walked past in an old (and slightly baggy) Storm costume. Next Skin again, this time with a large 'musketeer' type hat and Nightcrawler costume. Then Skin again (cries of 'favouratism' from the audience). "It's not favouratism," protested Jubilee.

"Then how come Skin's portraying practically everyone?" yelled Rogue.

Skin shrugged, "Is it my fault that I'm the best there is at what I do?"

"AAAAAGH! Ah'm sorry ah asked!" Rogue howled. The rest of the audience was likewise groaning. Especially Logan.

"I ain't that bad," he protested.

"OH YES YOU ARE!" shouted everyone.

"Well maybe," he grinned.

Jubilee sniffed, "And finally..."

Artie ran onstage carrying a hammer and sickle. He bowed to the applause and then exited stage right.

"And together... THEY KICKED THE ISLAND'S BUTT! YEAH!" yelled Jubilee.

All of GenX congaed onto stage, singing 'We Are the Champions'. Synch waited till the line had gone past and then latched on to the end as it congaed across the stage, exiting behind Jubilee. "We now break for a short intermission. Be warned, things get confusing from here on in. Back in ten." Jubilee bowed and exited left. The curtain closed behind her.


Continued in Chapter 2.


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