(This story takes place after Onslaught
and before that Bastion dork came along, it also doesn't quite
fit into continuity, but oh well, that's never stopped Marvel!)
Generation X and the X-Men are all trademarks of Marvel Entertainment.
No attempt is being made to infringe on these trademarks.
Blah blah blah.
Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men
"Boy, it's great to be back in the X-Mansion again,"
"Si. I'm just dying of happiness over here," said
Skin. "Only I think the boredom is gonna get me first."
The other members of Generation X voiced their agreement.
Technically they were all at the mansion to 'help out', but
in reality they were there because the X-Men needed the aid
of both of the headmasters to cope with the damage caused
during that whole Onslaught mess, neither of whom trusted
the team on their own at the school.
Storm observed all this on her way past the TV room. "If
you have nothing better to do there are a large number of
boxes in the attic that need sorting out." She suggested.
"Why not?" Asked Paige, "There' nothing else
to do. Coming guys?"
"I'm in," said Jubilee. The others all decided
that they might as well join in, and the group headed for
the attic. On the way they passed Rogue and Joseph, who was
being given a tour.
"So this was when Jean was evil, and so was I?"
"No, this was when Jean was dead and you were evil."
said Rogue, indicating the group photos on the desk.
In the attic, hope that there might be something interesting
soon died. The gloomy atmosphere prevalent everywhere else
in the mansion was especially bad up there, and the majority
of the boxes turned out to be uninteresting. "Nothin'
but clothes, clothes and more clothes," said Skin.
"Hey, these aren't just ANY old clothes," said
Jubilee. "These are all the old costumes!"
"Some of them very old," agreed Monet,
holding up some original New Mutant uniforms.
"A history of the X-Men in costumes," said Skin.
"I tell you, my excitement is so thick I can barely breathe."
"Boy, I'm glad I didn't have to wear this thing,"
said Everett, examining Havok's old hoop-thing head gear.
"Right Jubes? Jubes?"
Jubilee sat there, a strange expression on her face. "A
history of the X-Men in costumes.... Skin, you are a GENIUS!
Somebody give me a pen and some paper! Oh, and some pins,
duct tape and scissors!"
The X-Men, gathered at the dinner table after the dishes
had been cleared away, began talking.
"MMmmm, that chicken was delicious." said Bobby.
"Yes indeed, but now I fear I must return to my work,"
The conversation died and they all stared around blankly.
They were all still shell-shocked in the wake of the Onslaught
All were uncomfortably silent, and continued so as Scott
stood and led the exodus from the table. It was a short trek
however, as they entered the living room to find it transformed.
Chairs had been set up facing a large area which had been
curtained off. The X-Men stared at this setup. Suddenly, the
curtains parted enough for Jubilee to step out.
"What the hell is going on?" Asked Wolverine.
Jubilee cleared her throat. "Ladies and gentlemen! Please
take your seats, the show is about to start!"
Confused, the X-Men chose seats.
"Do you have any idea what this is about?" Scott
"Not a thing, Emma?"
Emma Frost shrugged. Jubilee waited until everyone had settled
down and then cleared her throat again. Consulting some notes
she held in her hand she spoke up, moving to the left side
of the 'stage' as she did so.
"And now, as a special treat, Generation X Productions
presents: A Short History of the X-Men. Based on a true story,
and adapted slightly to make it funnier, we begin with a man..."
The curtains opened. Synch stood in the middle of the stage,
wearing a suit.
"He was a man with a dream," Jubilee continued.
"I have a dream," said Synch in a broad Southern
accent. "A dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia.."
"Uh Ev? Wrong dream."
"Oops," Synch grinned, "Sorry." He exited
left to giggling from Rogue and Jean, which multiplied when
he returned to the stage wearing a shower cap.
"I have a dream," he said solemnly. "A dream
that one day, humans and mutants will live together in peace."
There was silence.
Jubilee spoke again, "He shared this dream with his
Jono stepped onto the stage. "You've got to be bleeding
kiddin' me mate, it'll never happen!"
"They agreed to disagree."
"Oh yeah?" snarled Synch.
"Yeah!" replied Jono.
"Well, then I think you're a stupid dork!"
"And you're a bald git!"
"HA!" They both stalked off on either side of the
Bobby and Hank were snickering, Joseph was grinning, and
Professor Xavier looked less depressed than he had before.
"Anyway, moving right along. Prof X, the dreamer, decided
to form a team of mutants to fight evil mutants and promote
better relations between humans and mutants. And he named
them... the X-MEN!"
Cheers from the audience.
Jubilee grinned, "And here they are."
"Uh oh," said Scott.
"His first (and only female) recruit - JEAN GREY! AKA
Husk walked onstage wearing a green dress and mask and freshly
husked red hair. She curtsied to the sound of wolf whistles.
Sam glared at Roberto, who grinned and gave one more whistle
"Fearless leader and he of the firm jaw, SCOTT SUMMERS!
Jono returned to the stage, wearing a visor. "Make it
so!" He spoke.
"Man of many syllables, HANK McCOY, AKA THE BEAST!"
Mondo grinned at the audience as he walked onstage, Hank's
old costume bulging a little.
"Rich playboy and mutant about town, WARREN WORTHINGTON
THE THIRD, AKA THE ANGEL!"
Angelo flapped bits of skin as he joined the others. Bobby
was choking with laughter.
"I wouldn't laugh if I was you," said Hank amusedly.
"I believe they've run out of male team members."
"Oh don't worry Bobby. We wouldn't do that to you."
"Why not?" came a yell from the X-Force area.
"Because we're nice people. So now we present the final
member of the original X-Men... the mutant freezer named...
BOBBY DRAKE! AKA ICEMAN!"
There were howls of laughter from the audience as Artie walked
onstage, projecting images of ice cubes.
"Together they are the Uncanny X-Men! With but one dream
on their minds!"
As one, all of the men onstage turned and stared at Paige,
panting heavily. In the audience, Jean blushed furiously,
and Scott squeezed her hand, grinning all the while.
"AHEM! The dream you guys, the dream!" reminded
"Oh yeah," everyone straightened up a little.
"They were a force for good! And it wasn't long before
they got their first test!"
Jono took off the visor and handed it to Jubilee. He stepped
away from the 'X-Men', and picked something up from offstage.
The audience burst out laughing as he solemnly placed one
of Magneto's old helmets onto his head.
"I have a dream!" he announced. "A dream that
mutants will rule the world!"
"That's wrong!" said Synch as Xavier. "Humans
and mutants must co-exist! That is my dream!"
Jubilee handed him the visor and he donned it. "And
we will fight to defend that dream!" he proclaimed.
"Oh yeah?" asked 'Magneto'.
"Yeah!" answered 'Xavier'.
"Yeah!" replied the 'X-Men'.
"YEAH!" roared Gen X, the audience and the narrator.
"Oh well fine. Be that bloody way then." Jono stalked
offstage to wild cheering.
Jubilee waited for it to quiet down a little, then spoke
again. "The triumphant X-Men went on to have many more
battles, none of them very interesting."
Boos and hisses from the original team mingled with yells
of agreement and laughter from everyone else.
"They also got two more members - Havoc and Polaris."
Penance and Leech joined the crowd onstage. "This when
the first appearances of a terrible mutant plague began to
become apparent. It would come to be known... the SUMMERS
EFFECT!" Jubilee shouted. She grinned and waited as the
audience shrieked with laughter.
"This is great!" Bobby choked out.
"Indeed." said Emma frostily [it had to happen
- Jae.] "I'm just curious as to how Jubilee managed
to persuade all of the others to take part in this lunacy."
Jubilee overheard and grinned at her teacher, "I have
all the negatives."
"She bloody does too," came a yell from offstage.
"Anyway," Jubilee reasserted herself.
"Things continued along quite happily. Until one day,
they got on the wrong side of a mutant island."
"Gaaak!" yelled the X-Men onstage as M ran around
them with a rope and dragged them offstage.
"Leaving only Scott to go for help."
Jono reentered and re-donned the visor. Synch also entered
"We'll have to get more mutants!" Synch yelled.
"And so..." Jubilee trailed off as Synch took up
position on the right side of the stage. "... they did."
Mondo ran onstage with a feather stuck in his hair, pretending
to hunt deer. Jubilee watched him, "Okay, it's feeble,
but it was the best we could do on short notice!" Mondo
shrugged, then high-fived Synch and wandered off behind him.
Next Skin, in a Sunfire costume, walked over to Synch, nodded
and exited right as well. Then M walked past in an old (and
slightly baggy) Storm costume. Next Skin again, this time
with a large 'musketeer' type hat and Nightcrawler costume.
Then Skin again (cries of 'favouratism' from the audience).
"It's not favouratism," protested Jubilee.
"Then how come Skin's portraying practically everyone?"
Skin shrugged, "Is it my fault that I'm the best there
is at what I do?"
"AAAAAGH! Ah'm sorry ah asked!" Rogue howled. The
rest of the audience was likewise groaning. Especially Logan.
"I ain't that bad," he protested.
"OH YES YOU ARE!" shouted everyone.
"Well maybe," he grinned.
Jubilee sniffed, "And finally..."
Artie ran onstage carrying a hammer and sickle. He bowed
to the applause and then exited stage right.
"And together... THEY KICKED THE ISLAND'S BUTT! YEAH!"
All of GenX congaed onto stage, singing 'We Are the Champions'.
Synch waited till the line had gone past and then latched
on to the end as it congaed across the stage, exiting behind
Jubilee. "We now break for a short intermission. Be warned,
things get confusing from here on in. Back in ten." Jubilee
bowed and exited left. The curtain closed behind her.
Continued in Chapter
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