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"A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men"

A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve

Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Part Eleven

"Welcome back!" carolled Jubilee. "Never fear dear friends, we shall not require you to sit through much more."

"Oh thank goodness," said Sam.

"You're perfectly welcome to stand if you like."

"*Sigh* Is it just me or are the jokes getting lamer?" asked Bobby.

"Whoa, being thought a lame joker by Bobby, now that's harsh," said Jubilee. "Anyway, in an attempt to get away from long confusing battles and stuff, we now present - the X-Cutioners song!"

Synch, shower cap on to show he was Professor X, walked on stage. "My friends..."

From the back of the room, a loud bang was heard. Everyone jumped and turned to see Mondo standing at the back of the room, holding a capgun. They turned back to see Synch   staggering. The sight of him filled their hearts with horror. He was holding a microphone. Synthesizer music began to play "My Way."

"And now," Synch began to sing, "the end is near,
I've faced the Brood, done down Magneto,
Goodbye, my X-Men friends,
I'll miss you all,
That's it finito.

Oh Jean, I'm still your friend,
But now you face the world alone-oh,
That's it from me, let Jubilee,
Lead you from now-oh..."
he trailed away.

The audience was aghast. Jubilee looked at them. "Oh come on, we told you it was a song." she grinned. "But who could have done this dastardly act?"

Mondo stepped forward, and the music changed. A white star had been painted over his left eye.

"I shoot the bad guys, but I didn't shoot Charles Xavier," he sang. Cable put his face in his hands. Sam and Berto snickered.

"But would the X-Men believe him? No!" said Jubilee. "So they set out to find him!"

Monet, Jono and Skin as Storm, Cyclops and Wolverine, entered stage right.

"Where oh where has the mutant man gone," they carolled.
"Where oh where can he be?
With his arms of steel and his glowing eye,
And ammo hung all about him."

"But X-Force wanted to talk to Cable to make sure it wasn't a set up first!" Jubilee prompted. "This naturally led to some unpleasantries."

Mondo and Jubilee began to stomp their feet rhythmically. Franklin, Artie and Leech as Cannonball, Warpath and Shatterstar entered stage left and glared at the X-Men. The 'X-Men' glared back and began to sing.

"Buddy you're a young man, strong man, talking with
your powers gonna take on the world some day,
You've got mud on your face, you're a big disgrace,
It's time that we put you back into your place.

We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!"

'X-Force' defiantly sang back.

"Buddy you're an old man, hard man, talking with your
powers gonna take on the world today,
You've got mud on your face, you're a worse disgrace,
It's time that we put you into second place!

We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!"

By this time the entire audience was singing along.

"We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!
We will we will rock you!"

Sam and Berto banged their chairs against the floor, Rogue, Remy and Storm clapped their hands in time. The rest of the X-Men chanted along.

"We will we will rock you!"

After a couple of minutes, it gradually died out. Jubilee grinned and then resumed.

"But of course it was discovered that the attempted assassin (cos Xavier lived doncha know) was Styife, some sort of evil alternate version or twin brother of Cable. Not sure what exactly, and already had a headache from trying to work out the Summers family tree so we'll just let it go this time."

"You think you have problems," said Scott. "Try being a part of it sometime!"

"Oh, I don't know," said Jean. "It has a couple of advantages."

"Such as?"

"Well, I've had two children so far and never had to go through pregnancy, childbirth or pay for them to go through college."

" have a point."

"Moving right along," said Jubilee. "X-Force battled the X-Men and well, they kinda lost."

The 'X-Men' joined hands and performed a rendition of "Princes of the Universe."

"Here we are, born to be strong,
We're the princes of the Universe.
Here we belong, fighting to survive,
in a world with darkest power... yeah!"

"I am a mutant, I have inside me DNA,
I have no rival, no man can be my equal,
Take me to the future, I'll be there!"

"I'm noticing a Queen bias here," said Beast. "What's next? 'Bohemian Rhapsody'?"

"Hmmm..." said Jubilee. "Scaramouche, huh."

"DON'T YOU DARE!" yelled everyone.

"Oh, alright. Anyhoo... once X-Force had been overcome, the X-Men set out again after Cable."

The 'X-Men' menaced Mondo, who sneered at them and brought his gun up to bear.

"But imagine their surprise when they found out that there was more than one Cable. Who could it be?"

Paige jumped out onto the stage, "husked" into a Mondo-lookalike and brought her microphone to bear.

"I think I'm a clone now," she started to sing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Not Weird Al!" shouted Bobby.

Paige humphed and stopped singing, then smiled evilly and started again.

"I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one!
I'm a clone, just like the other!
I'm your foe, I'm your brother!
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed.

I'm your son, I'm your child,
I'm really really wild,
You know you couldn't have it any other way!"

"Ow." said Bobby. "The pain. The pain."

"Nyeah heh." said 'Stryfe'.

"Once this crucial fact was revealed, what else could happen but that they go to the moon for a final showdown!"

There was some frantic scene changing. Whilst it was going on, Mondo (as Stryfe now) began a husky rendition of "Fly Me To The Moon."

"Fly me to the moon, and let me fight among the stars,
Let me see what Stryfe is like, on Jupiter and Mars,
In other words, hold me down,
In other words, darling, shoot me...

Fill my heart with lead,
And let me bleed forever more...
You are all I care for all I worship and adore,
In other words... please be you...
In other words... I hate you."

"You know, there were some really dodgy connotations in that song." said Beast.

"Don't complain," said Mondo. "It was either this or the Sailor Moon theme. And I refuse to sing the line 'Fighting evil by moonlight'..."


"What's wrong with Sailor Moon?"

"Shut up, Rogue -- We know you're biased."

"And now that they are all on the moon," Jubilee indicated the star-backdrop which was once again up. "It's time.. for the final showdown."

Loud guitar music began to play. Jono grinned on the inside. But because he doesn't have a jaw anymore, they couldn't see it. But it was there! He leaned into the riff.

Mondo as Cable started to sing with Jono as Cyclops, and Monet as Jean.

[to the tune of The Final Countdown - for anyone who can remember this song :-)]

"We're fighting by moonlight, but still we stand tall,
Our hearts burning so bright, not ready to fall.
We maybe light years from our home,
We're gaining ground!
Will things ever be the same again?

It's the final showdown!

The final showdown!

We're fighting for freedom! The people of X.
And maybe we'll see some, in this future or next.
With so many worlds to protect
And people to help [People to help]
I'm sure that we'll all make it through!

It's the final showdown!

The final showdown!

The final showdown!

Ohhhh... ohhhh..."

Jono stepped forward and launched into a huge guitar solo. By now everyone was dancing to the music in the aisle. Rogue and Storm were attempting to go-go dance on their chairs. Jubilee and Everett were headbanging. Paige grinned at Jono, who concentrated and really put his back into it.

"The final showdown... oooh!
It's the final showdown...
The final showdown...
The final showdown [final showdown]
Ohhh... it's the final showdown, we're fighting together...."

Jono trailed off with the guitar as the song came to an end.

"Whoo!" said Meltdown. "That was fun."

Everyone settled back into their seats as Jubilee quickly narrated Stryfe's defeat and subsequent death at the hands of the rest of the Summers family, with a special guest appearance by 'Havoc' (AKA Artie).

"And now, in an effort to get this damn show finished, we're going to squish in the Fatal Attractions storyline!" said Jubilee.

"In this story... Magneto shows up with a safe haven for all  mutants to live together in peace away from the rest of humanity. BORING!!!! Here we go again."

"Look, it wasn't me okay!" Joseph looked flustered. "Okay, I promise if I ever turn evil again I'll do something original. I'll... take over a small country somewhere. Albania maybe, or perhaps New Zealand." he laughed. "Or how about Genosha?"

Everyone laughed hysterically at this idea.

"Aha... ha... good one Jo." said Jubilee. "Ahem. So, he had this new plan, but as always it was thwarted. Thwart, thwart, thwart, that's all we ever do! Alas, this time it was not without casualties. Colossus left the X-Men to join Magneto."

Synch in silver foil clung on to Jono's leg and refused to be dislodged.

"And Wolverine... well... he kindof had all the metal in his body suddenly and painfully removed..."

Jono, as Magneto, bucket head and all, waved his hands at Skin, who was in Wolverine costume.

"ARgh! Ahhh! Oooh! NOOOOOO! Ah, the pain, the pain! Owchie. Oh please stop! Please!" Skin begged pathetically. And when I say pathetic, I mean, it was really pathetic. He rolled his eyes. "Help me someone, please!" he said flatly. Then he sighed, and shot skin out everywhere.

"AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" he yelled, unenthusiastically, "Oh the pain."

"Okay Skin, that's enough." said Jubilee. "We get the picture, you can stop now."

"Oh... oh... owwwwww. Ouch. Ouch, ouchie..."


"The pain.... Mother, help me..."


He looked pleadingly at her. "Aaaaaaagh."


"I'm STUCK!" he yelled. "Give me a hand here! Preferably one of mine!"

"Oops," Jubilee looked at the mess. "But-Xavier-took-charge-and-destroyed-the- threat-of-Magneto-by-wiping-his-brain-and-turning-him-into-the-lovable-vegetable- we-all-know-and-watch-carefully-today..."

"HEY!!!!" yelled Joseph indignantly.

"Ten minute recess!" Jubilee grabbed bits of Skin.


"Oops, sorry."


Concluded in Chapter 12.

Next: The Phalanx, Onslaught (maybe) and the conclusion of the show.


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