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"A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men"

A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve

Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Part Three

"Just when you thought you were safe... part three!" Jubilee announced as she stepped back onstage. She squinted out at the audience. "Everyone still here?"

"No! I'm leaving!" yelled Bobby, and stood up.

"Oooooh, a wise guy huh. Skin!"

"Si Baroni," Skin replied as his hands reached into the audience and shoved Bobby back down into his chair.

"Booo! Narrator brutality!" yelled Hank.

"Ah you love it. Why else would you wear those outfits? Now if Statler and Waldorf are finished, we'll get on with part three... *ahem* When last we left our crew, they were trying to work out what had happened to Jean Grey..."

Jono, Synch, M, Mondo and Leech staggered onstage clutching at their heads and moaning in pain.

"The horror. The horror...." said Synch.

"Ah yes, it is a time that will not soon be forgotten," smirked Jubilee. "But fear not! Safety is at hand, a new member will take your minds off the situation."

Everyone brightened up.

"Or possibly not. Meet Rachel Summers - the daughter of Scott and Jean from an alternate future! Take it away!"

"Please!" yelled the 'X-Men'.

Husk pranced onstage in lots of bright red leather.

"Then again..."

"How come mah sister has to wear all of the revealing outfits?" yelled Sam in indignation.

"She volunteered." replied Jubilee. "Be afraid Sammy-boy, be very afraid."

Husk blew her brother a kiss.

"Besides it was either her, or one of us others. I'm busy, M flat out refused, Jono doesn't have the bust for that outfit, Skin doesn't really suit red leather and Mondo didn't fit the costumes. Anyhoo... Rachel joined and got help with her telepathy and telekinetic abilities from the one and only Prof X."

The audience quietened in memory of the times when Professor X was the one who helped others with their telepathic powers.
"Another mutant who joined roughly at this time was not a new face... No indeedy, cept people were more used to seeing her on the other side! I am of course referring to the one and only Southern Belle, Rogue! Who, in addition to having an extremely distinctive hairstyle, is also the X-Men's current champion of non-de-plumes and mysterious pasts. I mean, even Wolvie's got a real first name! But Rogue... Nooooooo..."

"Jealous sugah?"

"Oh yah, really." Jubilee sneered. "In fact, there were many mutants who were part of the X-Men for a while. Several of them have been left out so far, because they were only here for a short while, or because it was difficult to fit them into the continuity, or because it was difficult to fit one of us into their uniforms, or because they were uninteresting..."

Psylocke cleared her throat menacingly.

"Or because we haven't gotten to them yet," Jubilee hastily added. "Which reminds me! Shortly after Rogue joined, so did Elizabeth Braddock. Model, babe, call her what you will. Just don't call her Ninjana. She really hates that." Jubilee paused, "Judging by what I accidentally on-my-way-to-the-kitchen just happened to hear as I was walking past though, she doesn't seem to mind 'snookums'."

Betsy and Warren choked as the audience roared with laughter.

"Moving right along..." Jubilee said hastily. "It was also at this time that Professor X became ill. To repair himself, he left the earth to join his love Lilandra, chief chick in charge of the Shi'ar empire."

Synch, as Professor X, synched into Jean's powers and floated himself off the stage and up near the ceiling. In the background, "Higher and Higher" played.

"So the big question was... who would lead the X-Men while he was away? Anyone... anyone... Bueller?"

"I know! Me! Me!" yelled Bobby, waving his hand in the air.

"Come on... let's hear from those who haven't said anything yet... Joseph? Can you guess who Prof trusted to lead the X-Men while he was away?"

Joseph looked around at all of the grinning faces.

"Oh god. It was me wasn't it?"

"Bing Bing Bing! You're a winner!"

Jono poked his head out onto the stage and grumbled, "Bout bloody time we got to do somethin' out here again. Ahem." He stepped out and the audience once more burst into hysterics. He was wearing the helmet on his head again, and this time was additionally in full Magneto costume. He wore the purple costume with the silver M written on the front. Joseph put his head in his hands. "Tell me I didn't wear that. Please."

"Sorry sugah." Rogue patted his knee. "But it's true. We have photos."

"But it wasn't me! That was a different person!" he protested.

"Uh huh. Sure."


Jono posed, "I will lead the X-Men. Whoever is actually around at the moment anyway."

"And lo," said Jubilee. "He did. Pity he wasn't leading a team of lawyers, he could've used them when..." There was a knock. Jubilee looked around and then knock repeated itself, several times. "I'm coming!" she yelled. She sighed and lifted part of the curtain, "Yes?"

"Hi, have you ever known Jesus?" asked Synch.

Jubilee screamed and dropped the curtain. More knocks. She growled and yanked it open again.

"Excuse me, is this the Xavier mansion?"


"Is your name Magneto?"

"No, that's him over there." Jubilee pointed.

Synch, wrapped in a flag, and M, wearing white entered. "Hi, we're here on behalf of the US Government. You're under arrest."

Jono looked confused, "But I don't want to be arrested."

"Oh well, then we'll have to GET HIM!!!!" Synch and M jumped Jono.

"Oh look, the Avengers have come calling." said Jubilee. "They want to put Magneto on trial for crimes against humanity. Unfortunately noone thinks he'll get a fair trial, soooo..."

"CHARGE!" Husk (as Rogue) led the charge as Skin (Wolvie), herself and Mondo (as Colossus) attacked Captain America (Synch), and Captain Marvel (M). Halfway through the charge however they slowed down and all began moving in slow motion, with vastly exagerated movements. There were a lot of 'biffs', 'thuds' and similar sound effects going on for a while. Jubilee watched and then jumped as there was another 'knock'. This time the raised curtain revealed Artie, Leech and Penance.

"Hi... we Russian heros."

"We've already got one!" yelled Mondo as Colossus.

"We come to stop Magneto."

"Already being done!" yelled Synch and M.

"Oh, well guess that make us... su-per-fish-shell to the plot then, yes?"

"Yes. But come on in and confuse things anyway." said Jubilee. "We have smores. And apples."


And with that mighty battle cry the dynamic trio charged in to battle. "Smores! Smores!"

"The Russian heroes were so totally lame that they were easily KOed by both sides."

Penance, Artie and Leech fell down without so much as laying a single 'punch'.

"However their intervention did cause the other two teams some problems."

'Magneto' and 'Captain America' tripped over the 'Russian heroes'.

"But ultimately the X-Men won the day, sort of. Magneto got away anyhow and none of them got arrested. Nobody died, came back from the dead or got new costumes either. So I guess you could say that everybody won!"

Everyone paused.

"Except the Avengers and the Russians of course." Jubilee sniffed and wiped away a mock tear, "But then, in a display of heroicism so noble you'd probably call it stupidity, Magneto decided to stand trial anyway."

Jono stood up, "I shall stand trial. Even though I don't recognise the authority of you or the courts, and sneer at your value system." he said to 'Captain America'.

"WHAT? You mean we went through all that for NOTHING?" yelled Husk as Rogue.

Jono shrugged, "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"And so Magneto stood trial, and, in an amazing example of court history, was acquited of crimes against humanity on the grounds that he was at war with it at the time!"

"Woo hoo!" Jono cheered, and threw his helmet into the air.

"Unfortunately, this seriously torqued off most of humanity, who saw it as a big fraud, thus setting off an even bigger hatred of mutants."

"ARGH!" yelled Jono. "Can't a guy ever get a break?"

"Sorry," Jubilee smiled. "Not when you're...
   ... in the X-Men!"

"You can wear a big X!" sang the others, to the tune of  'In the Navy'.

"In the X-Men."

"You can die with cool effects!"

"In the X-Men, in the X-Men."

"You know we're the X-M-E-N!" sang Jubilee, switching to another Village People song which I'm not going to name cos you should all know it.

"Oh yeah we're the X-M-E-N." sang Husk.

"You can wear a cool cape, you can usually escape, you can travel a-round the world!"

"When you're in the X-M-E-N," now all of GenX was singing.

"Let's hear you spell it, the X-M-E-N,
We will fight for our dream,
And eat lots of ice cream,
And not make a whole lot of sense, in the..."

"X-M-E-N." sang the audience.

"Oh yeah we're the..."


GenX began spelling the words with their arms as they danced and sang.

"Mu-tant mu-tant aren't you listenin' to me,
You can be what you want to be, in the

"X-M-E-N!" the audience clapped as Gen X exited the stage.

"Oh yeah in the..."


Jubilee waved to the audience as she left the stage, "Back in part four!" she called. "See you in five! Sing it! You're the..."



Continued in Chapter 4.


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