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"A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men"

A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve

Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Part Five

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends," Jubilee proclaimed as she stepped through the curtain. "Sorry about the abrupt ending there last time folks, it won't happen again." She paused, "Will it Synch?"

A low moan was her only answer. The audience giggled.

"Anyway, when we last left our intrepid heroes."

Generation X, in various costumes, jumped out from behind the curtains. "Ta daaaa!"

"Were about to tackle the fall of the mutants."

The GenX team drooped and withered, "AWWWWWW!!!!" they all chorused.

"Do we havta?" asked Paige, currently dressed as Rogue. "That one really sucks."

"Okay, how bout we skip to the Inferno then?" asked Jubilee.

Multiple groans from the cast.

"That was even worse." bitched Synch, as Colossus. "I went through a real bad patch during that one."

"The time spent in Australia?"

There was even louder complaining from the 'X-Men.'

Jubilee put her hands on her hips. "Look. Noone said life as an X-Man was easy."

Mass grumbling and shuffling of feet.

Jubilee sighed, "Trip to save the Shi'ar?"

"Noooooooo!!!" howled Skin, currently wearing one of Gambits trenchcoats. "That was icky!"

"Icky?" asked Gambit in the audience. "Icky?!"

"The Shadow King saga then. Final offer."

"Bleaaah," replied GenX.


"Get over it Gambit." advised Bobby.

"Dat's alright for you to say. You didn't jus' use de word 'icky'."

Jubilee threw up her hands. "Okay, FINE then. Since we can't decide, we'll do it ALL anyway. Ahem. The Fall of the Mutants."

GenX grumbled and walked slowly offstage. Jubilee waited impatiently as some of them trickled back onstage, wearing the correct costumes.

"The Fall of the Mutants was caused by a totally evil dude, who had taken over the body of Forge's mentor, whose name has temporarily slipped my mind so we'll call him Fred. Oh Freeeeed!"

"Hra! Hra! Hneee! Wooooooargh!" roared Mondo. "And now I will destroy you all!"

"Shaman," muttered Storm. "His name was Shaman, that's not so hard to remember is it?"


"We will defeat you, Shaman." said M pointedly, as Storm, glaring out into the audience. "All of us will willingly... ARGH!"

A flashbulb exploded in front of her eyes and she staggered back.

"Smile!" chirped Leech, as he aimed his camera at her again.

"Oh yeah, this particular section of history is well documented cos there was this newshound around, taking photos and filming the whole thing." Jubilee smiled and made a peace sign as Leech aimed the camera at her. She blinked in the aftermath of the flash, and carried on. "Anyways... the X-Men, the newshound, oh, and Madeline Pryor, Jeanie being somewhat dead during this part of the history, were trying to stop the evil dude. Problem was, Storm had no powers, on account of Forge making a gun that could take away the powers of a mutant. The government dudes were supposed to use it on Rogue, but since we all know that those losers couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, they hit Storm instead. Way to go Uncle Sam, nice to know our tax dollars are being put to good use."

The audience roared with laughter.

"Amen!" yelled Bobby.

"Ain't that the truth!" agreed Logan. "Always thought those bunch were more of a risk to themselves than to us."

"Anyway," Jubilee continued, "Storm had been leading the team anyway, without her powers." Music started up in the background, the rest of GenX moved to the back of the stage and M posed, 'vogue'-style as the song "I'm Too Sexy" played.

"I'm, too sexy for my powers, too sexy for my powers, can go without em for hours." chanted M. "And I'm, too sexy for the government, too sexy for the government... we couldn't think of anything that rhymed with government..."*

[* Actually, I did think of something that rhymed with government finally, but I couldn't think of a way to fit "breath mint" into the song. - Jae :-)]

The audience laughed hysterically as GenX all began posing and singing:

"She's an X-Man, you know what I mean, And she does her little thing for the human race. Oh the human race, yeah the human race, And she shakes her funky powers for the human race!"

"But eventually, Storm decided that it was time to go get em back."

M, as Storm, walked offstage. Moments later there was a huge shriek. "FORGE!!! I WANT MY POWERS BACK!!!! What is THAT???!!! AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

"Unfortunately," grinned Jubilee. "She walked in at a real bad moment, and wound up getting shanghaied into an alternate earth with Forge. Trays romantique, nessy pas?"

Gambit flinched.

"But she got back, with powers, just in time to join the X-Men in beating up the guy who did the whole thing. The... something-or-other... Alternator, Otherworlder, Percolator... something like that. They all sound the same to me. Evil dude."

M floated down from the sky, still wearing Storms leather 'biker'-style costume.

"We know she's s'posed to be dressed in a simple shift type thing," Jubilee mentioned. "But it looked kind of boring, and M has this thing for leather."

"Oooooh, okaaaaaay." said the audience.

"What's wrong with having a thing for leather?" asked the White Queen, Storm and Rogue. The people around them stared.

"Whoa, there's more information than I really needed," said Jubilee. "So, anyway, battle... Okay, picture if you will a city, in which a battle between ultimate good and evil is shaping up. On the bad side we have... the Evil Dude in Shaman's body."

Mondo stepped forward and growled, shaking his fists at the audience.

"And on the good side we have - the X-Men! Storm, Rogue, Wolverine, Havoc, Psylocke, Dazzler, Longshot, Colossus, Madeline Pryor, Forge, and the reporter guy, whose name has been lost in the winds of time. Unfortunately, since we don't have that many people ourselves, we present a selection of the above figures."

M stood forward as Storm. Behind her posed Husk as Rogue (she'd only husked the hair this time), Synch as Forge (with tin foil wrapped around one leg), Skin as Havoc (with requisite silly head thing), Chamber as Longshot (with a mop on his head), Artie (projecting claw images) and Leech (with a camera).

Jubilee rang a bell. "Gentlemen, and ladies, when I ring this bell again, come out of your corners fighting!"


Mondo roared and ran forward and 'Rogue' ran forward to meet him. Paige was now in a metal form with skunk-streaked hair. Mondo reached her and grabbed her shoulders. She broke the hold and threw him over her shoulder. Mondo kicked her off her feet, picked her up and spun around, holding her overhead. He was about to throw her down when 'Storm' danced close. Paige reached out and slapped her outstretched hand just as Mondo let go of her. She landed behind him on the stage and lay still. Mondo turned to face M, who ran away from him, into the stage wall, bounced off it and clotheslined him. Then she leapt into the air and came down elbow first into his gut. The audience roared as she stood up and triumphantly shook her hands overhead, walking up and down the stage. Behind her, Mondo stood. He grabbed her by the back of the jacket, pulled her back and then ran her off the stage. The audience ducked, expecting her to come crashing down among them. When the law of gravity failed to provide them with this they looked up to where M was hovering in midair. She grinned, waved and flew over to slap the hands of 'Forge' (Synch) and 'Havoc' (Skin).

Skin and Synch moved forward slowly, circling Mondo, who roared at them. Synch waited for Mondo's back to be turned to him, then slapped the hands of 'Longshot' (Jonathan), 'Wolverine' (Artie) and the reporter (Leech). Synch then unwrapped the tinfoil from his leg and held it up like a shield. Leech aimed his camera at the tinfoil, whilst Artie crawled behind Mondo. Leech took a picture, and the camera flash  was 'reflected' off the tinfoil into Mondo's eyes. He pretended to have been blinded by this and reeled. Just then Jonathan and Skin charged him, smashing into him and knocking him backwards over 'Wolverine'. Then the whole team piled on top of him, including the recovered 'Rogue' and 'Storm'.

"And the winnah - the X-Men!!!!" yelled Jubilee, moving forward and holding M's hand up. "But WAIT! What's this?"

Mondo surged to his feet, spilling 'X-Men' left and right.

"It turns out that this beastie is harder to stop than everyone thought. Bring on Roma..." Jubilee looked around. "Oh Roma... oh, wait, that's me. Heh." she faked a grin.

"Yep, it turns out that to totally get rid of the evil guy, the X-Men must give up their essences and, well, die. Sorta. So, being heros and it being in the job description and all, they do." The 'X-Men' link hands around Mondo and they all sink to their knees. Leech sadly took one last picture and headed offstage.

"But wait! There's more! Turns out we can't keep him locked up anyway, so Roma brings them back." said Jubilee.
The 'X-Men' stood up and looked around.

"But now everyone thinks they're dead, which kind of makes it hard to get your mail delivered, so they decide that it's time for an all-new all-different X-Men. And, in an astonishing break from the usual tradition of past changes, which is of course, new costumes." Jubilee grinned. "They decide that they could all do with a nice holiday and change of view, so this calls for a headquarters shift, and where could be better than to move to New Zealand! Unfortunately they kind of missed and landed in Australia. Darn.*"

[* Readers may note that yours truly is from New Zealand and hence totally biased. Apologies to any Ockers reading this. You'd've done the same if it was the other way around I'm sure. :-) - Jae.]

The 'X-Men' all donned large hats with corks dangling from the brims and formed up in a line. The music began again:

"We're, too sexy for Manchester, too sexy for Manchester, LA and Westchester!
And we're, too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan!
We're the X-Men, you know what I mean,
And we do our little thing for the human race.
Oh the human race, yeah the human race,
And we do our little bit for the human race!

"And we're, too sexy for this song."

The music came to an abrupt end and the 'X-Men' walked offstage, heads held high.

"Break time again," said Jubilee. "Smoke em if ya got em, next part - the X-Men down under in Godzone. Later!"


Continued in Chapter 6

Well, I wanted to cover the Fall of the Mutants and the Inferno in this episode. Boy was I high! Next issue: the Inferno.
Oh yeah, and a quick thank you and apology to all the wonderful, sweet, and most of all patient people who've been wondering when the next part will be out. Hope this makes up for the huge delay, and the next part will hopefully not take as long to get written. Later all!
- Jaelle


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