Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men
"And now for Part Four! By the way, can you hear me
up the back there?"
"You're asking us now?"
"Uh... never mind."
Jubilee grinned, then sobered. "This part of the history
of the X-Men is very sad, very touching, and very serious,
as it includes such sections as the Mutant Massacre and the
Fall of the Mutants. Because of this it behooves us to observe
a moment of silence."
The audience bowed their heads.
"Before we destroy it totally. We had intended on leaving
these parts out, but as they're kind of important, we decided
we had to leave them in. So we... edited them a little."
"Oh boy..." said Scott.
"Okay, this was a period in which several villains introduced
themselves to the X-Men and then wouldn't go away again no
matter how many times they got trashed. I mean,
you'd think that after losing for the fourth time they'd get
the hint? I mean, so okay, they got the odd victory now and
again, but really, like they ever had a chance against the
X-Men. Though how you guys ever managed without me I don't
know. Sometimes I wonder how you manage to get your shoelaces
tied in the mornings..."
"Jubilee." Skin called from behind the curtain.
"Wasn't there something we were doing before you got
onto this monologue."
Jubilee considered. "Oh yeah! The mutant massacre! Sorry
"No problem," replied Elizabeth dryly. "We
used the time to make sure our shoelaces were tied."
"Have I ever told you how much I admire you Betsy?"
"There's a reason for that you know. Anyway, one of
the few times the bad guys ever got anything remotely resembling
a victory, was when they ganged up on the Morlocks, a misfit
group of mutants who lived in the underground sewers."
The curtain opened to reveal Artie, Leech, and Franklin,
dressed in mismatched clothing. The two former Morlocks and
their friend smiled at the audience.
"The X-Men had tangled with them in the past, resulting
in Storm becoming their leader."
M, as Storm, stepped out and briefly hugged the trio.
"For various reasons, this group of mutants had chosen
to live apart from humanity. So they hid down in the sewers."
Jubilee sighed. "Unfortunately, some serious bad-asses
decided to go in after them. They were mutants too, a group
called the Marauders. Buncha lowlife scum for the most part.
But it was at this point that Sabretooth, general bloodthirsty
jerk, first made his ugly smelly self apparent, as a member
of the Marauders." Jubilee smiled slyly at the audience.
"Now, since no one here felt like dressing up as Sabretooth,
we decided to settle on a more acceptable substitute. The
others eventually talked me out of a burning effigy on the
grounds that it wouldn't really work inside, so instead...
it's pinata time!"
A pinata was lowered from the roof by Synch, as M blindfolded
the younger children. There was scattered laughter as the
pinata swung around, and it became apparent that it roughly
resembled Sabretooth. M handed Artie a baseball bat. Images
of Artie beating Sabretooth over the head with it were projected
out into the audience as the excited boy got ready for his
"I don't know that this is such a good idea," murmured
"I don't think the children would harm Artie and Leech,"
whispered Storm back. "This harmless game might even
prove therapeutic." They sat back and watched as the
pinata game began, the three younger children taking it in
turns to try and burst the toy. After one try each, M looked
up. "I think they need the special bat!" she called.
The audience, who had been laughing along with the children,
paused in some confusion. Then they quietened entirely as
Skin brought out the 'special' bat. It was another baseball
bat, this one with a Christmas tree angel on the end.
Jubilee began talking as Leech stepped forward for a try
with the special bat. "The X-Men were unable to prevent
the massacre, as they were already occupied elsewhere. But
one of their members did try valiantly to save the Morlocks.
The Angel went down to fight the Marauders. He did his best,
but was unable to prevail, and was badly injured in the struggle,
losing his wings."
Leech shouted out, "Angel!" and swung with all
his might. The pinata burst and sweets flew out in all directions.
The three kids (and some members of the audience) went scrambling
for the goodies as Jubilee quietly added, "But his efforts
are remembered." Elizabeth and Angel held hands, and
then laughed as the trio of younger children, hands full of
sweets and small, cheap toys, sat down at their feet and began
to go through their loot, occasionally offering something
to Betsy and Warren.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." said Emma.
"Eh? What are you talking about woman? They're enjoying
themselves!" Sean retorted.
"No, I'm just thinking of all the junk food they're
eating. What with the smores in the previous section, and
now all this junk, they'll make themselves sick!"
"Won't be sick!" said Franklin staunchly, with
his mouth full of chocolate. Leech and Artie nodded in agreement,
mouths too full of sweets to say anything. Then Leech hiccuped.
Emma sighed. "He's going green Sean."
"He's always been green Emma."
"Just for that, you can drive them back in your
Jubilee grinned. "But anyway, not all of the Morlocks,
died, many survived. But lots of them did die. Sigh. And then,
just when you thought nothing else could go wrong, the X-Men
got a call for help from Madeline Pryor, Scott Summers most
Husk ran onto the stage, clutching a bundle in her arms.
"Scott and co were off-planet at the time, so it fell
to the X-Men to rescue her from... guess who? The Marauders!
Naturally, the X-Men were more than happy to do serious pain
unto those creeps. But there was just one eensy-weensy problem."
Mondo stepped onto the stage, wearing a green wig on his
"This is the problem. Yeah yeah I know but it was the
best we could do. Meet Lorna Dane, AKA Polaris! Unfortunately
for the X-Men, at the time she was possessed by the psychic
Marauder, Malice! Ergo, noone really wanted to hurt her, but
she was causing serious problems for the good guys."
Husk and Mondo looked at each other, then Husk ran off stage,
Mondo in hot pursuit. "I'll get you, and your little
baby too!" Mondo/Lorna yelled.
Jubilee jumped back into conversation as soon as they were
out of sight: "A quick update on where exactly everyone
is at the moment.... Scott and co, the 'original' X-Men, now
going by the name X-Factor, are off planet doing stuff. Storm
is also away, off in some other dimension after a failed attempt
to regain her powers (which got nullified some time back when
some useless Government jerks tried to go after Rogue and
missed. What a bunch of maroons). And Magneto is sorta still
leading the team, however he's kinda busy teaching the New
Mutants, and trying to keep them from getting into trouble
and having adventures when he's not looking. Fat chance. Havoc
is back on board, cos he wants the teams help in finding Lorna,
and Rogue is sporting the most incredible hairdo which seems
to involve sticking her fingers into a power socket every
morning till you look like the Bride of Frankenstein. And
you thought nothing could make that skunk stripe look worse."
"Also on board are Longshot, who came from another dimension,
and Alison Blair, the Dazzler. Man, I heard one of her songs
on the easy listening channel the other day. Oh yeah, Wolverine
and Psylocke are still around too. I think that's everyone.
So anyway, the X-Men..."
The audience started laughing as the 'team' filed back onto
the stage one by one - this time around the roles were slightly
different. Husk was wearing purple filmy off-the-shoulder
clothes, and kept presing her hand against her forehead.
"AAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Bobby. "Not more! It
hurts, it hurts!"
Husk paused in front of the audience and pressed both hands
to her temples. "Captain, I sense pain!" she said
melodramatically. Hank and Bobby howled with laughter. Following
Husk was Jonathan, once again wearing Havoc's old wire helmety
thing. Then Synch walked on in Wolverine costume, followed
by Monet as Rogue. Rogue fumed in the audience as the others
laughed. Monet was wearing a cheap 'Bride of Frankenstein'
"Grrrr..." Rogue growled. "It was punk.
It was fashionable." she glared at Joseph,
who was trying hard not to laugh. "Ah wouldn't laugh
if Ah were you... bucket-head." She caught sight of Sam
laughing, "And Ah saw some of the clunkers you wore too
"Ahem." Jubilee interrupted. "Before this
"TOO LATE!" everyone yelled.
"Like, I was referring to Rogue's Vanity Fair commentary,
ANYWAY, Madeline was in serious trouble. The Marauders had
stolen the rugrat, and erased all trace of her existence (except
the memories of those who knew her of course) and now they
were coming after her."
Artie and Leech walked on the opposite side of the stage.
"Roar!" they yelled (okay, Leech yelled).
"Those are supposed to be the Marauders?" Bobby
The 'X-Men' grinned amongst themselves and towered menacingly
over Artie and Leech, who looked nervous. "I figure as
approximations go this is about right." Jubilee replied.
"Like those second rate dweebs could cause any serious
problems to the X-Men."
Mondo popped up behind the two, still with a green wig on.
He scowled at Jubilee.
"Of course having Polaris did give them something of
an unfair advantage, and evened out the fight."
The 'X-Men' started looking worried. 'Havoc' stepped forward
to plead with 'Polaris', but with a wave of her hand he fell
"But ultimately the Marauders were defeated. Storm successfully
suckering... Storm?" Jubilee halted and stared at her
cue cards. "But she ain't even s'posed to be here yet,
and anyway she's got her powers and that shouldn't be till
after... or maybe that's another battle... What's next? The
destruction of Avalon?! No way -- that's ages after
Jubilee froze and stared intently at the top left of the
card. Synch started sweating.
"Alright," Jubilee snarled with menace. "Who
shuffled my cue cards?!!!"
"Aaaaahhh!" Synch ran for it, "It was an accident...
"You're gonna die Synch, I spent ages doin'
this and..." Jubilee started to run after him and then
"Okay, I'm hopelessly confused now. But like I said,
the X-Men took Maddie with them. Then they had to go quick
to help Storm, without powers, but back in this dimension
along with Forge, try to defeat this evil entity that had
kidnapped them both. This was known as the Fall of the Mutants
and, owing to technical difficulties, will be postponed until
the next section, right after I kill Everett. Back in ten."
The curtain closed hastily as Jubilee dove under it."
"You're a dead man Synch! Dead! That's D-E-A-D! Dead
The audience rolled in the aisles as Synch's screams accelerated.
"THEY'LL NEVER FIND THE BODY!!!!"
Continued in Chapter
Next episode: The Fall of the
Mutants, life in Australia, and the Inferno...
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