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"A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men"

A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve

Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Part Four

"And now for Part Four! By the way, can you hear me up the back there?"

"You're asking us now?"

"You're complaining?"

"Uh... never mind."

Jubilee grinned, then sobered. "This part of the history of the X-Men is very sad, very touching, and very serious, as it includes such sections as the Mutant Massacre and the Fall of the Mutants. Because of this it behooves us to observe a moment of silence."

The audience bowed their heads.

"Before we destroy it totally. We had intended on leaving these parts out, but as they're kind of important, we decided we had to leave them in. So we... edited them a little."

"Oh boy..." said Scott.

"Okay, this was a period in which several villains introduced themselves to the X-Men and then wouldn't go away again no matter how many times they got trashed. I mean, you'd think that after losing for the fourth time they'd get the hint? I mean, so okay, they got the odd victory now and again, but really, like they ever had a chance against the X-Men. Though how you guys ever managed without me I don't know. Sometimes I wonder how you manage to get your shoelaces tied in the mornings..."

"Jubilee." Skin called from behind the curtain.


"Wasn't there something we were doing before you got onto this monologue."

Jubilee considered. "Oh yeah! The mutant massacre! Sorry bout that."

"No problem," replied Elizabeth dryly. "We used the time to make sure our shoelaces were tied."

"Have I ever told you how much I admire you Betsy?"


"There's a reason for that you know. Anyway, one of the few times the bad guys ever got anything remotely resembling a victory, was when they ganged up on the Morlocks, a misfit group of mutants who lived in the underground sewers."

The curtain opened to reveal Artie, Leech, and Franklin, dressed in mismatched clothing. The two former Morlocks and their friend smiled at the audience.

"The X-Men had tangled with them in the past, resulting in Storm becoming their leader."

M, as Storm, stepped out and briefly hugged the trio.

"For various reasons, this group of mutants had chosen to live apart from humanity. So they hid down in the sewers." Jubilee sighed. "Unfortunately, some serious bad-asses decided to go in after them. They were mutants too, a group called the Marauders. Buncha lowlife scum for the most part. But it was at this point that Sabretooth, general bloodthirsty jerk, first made his ugly smelly self apparent, as a member of the Marauders." Jubilee smiled slyly at the audience.

"Now, since no one here felt like dressing up as Sabretooth, we decided to settle on a more acceptable substitute. The others eventually talked me out of a burning effigy on the grounds that it wouldn't really work inside, so instead... it's pinata time!"

A pinata was lowered from the roof by Synch, as M blindfolded the younger children. There was scattered laughter as the pinata swung around, and it became apparent that it roughly resembled Sabretooth. M handed Artie a baseball bat. Images of Artie beating Sabretooth over the head with it were projected out into the audience as the excited boy got ready for his first swing.

"I don't know that this is such a good idea," murmured Scott.

"I don't think the children would harm Artie and Leech," whispered Storm back. "This harmless game might even prove therapeutic." They sat back and watched as the pinata game began, the three younger children taking it in turns to try and burst the toy. After one try each, M looked up. "I think they need the special bat!" she called.

The audience, who had been laughing along with the children, paused in some confusion. Then they quietened entirely as Skin brought out the 'special' bat. It was another baseball bat, this one with a Christmas tree angel on the end.

Jubilee began talking as Leech stepped forward for a try with the special bat. "The X-Men were unable to prevent the massacre, as they were already occupied elsewhere. But one of their members did try valiantly to save the Morlocks. The Angel went down to fight the Marauders. He did his best, but was unable to prevail, and was badly injured in the struggle, losing his wings."

Leech shouted out, "Angel!" and swung with all his might. The pinata burst and sweets flew out in all directions.

The three kids (and some members of the audience) went scrambling for the goodies as Jubilee quietly added, "But his efforts are remembered." Elizabeth and Angel held hands, and then laughed as the trio of younger children, hands full of sweets and small, cheap toys, sat down at their feet and began to go through their loot, occasionally offering something to Betsy and Warren.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." said Emma.

"Eh? What are you talking about woman? They're enjoying themselves!" Sean retorted.

"No, I'm just thinking of all the junk food they're eating. What with the smores in the previous section, and now all this junk, they'll make themselves sick!"

"Won't be sick!" said Franklin staunchly, with his mouth full of chocolate. Leech and Artie nodded in agreement, mouths too full of sweets to say anything. Then Leech hiccuped. Emma sighed. "He's going green Sean."

"He's always been green Emma."

"Just for that, you can drive them back in your car."


Jubilee grinned. "But anyway, not all of the Morlocks, died, many survived. But lots of them did die. Sigh. And then, just when you thought nothing else could go wrong, the X-Men got a call for help from Madeline Pryor, Scott Summers most beloved wife."

Husk ran onto the stage, clutching a bundle in her arms.

"Scott and co were off-planet at the time, so it fell to the X-Men to rescue her from... guess who? The Marauders! Naturally, the X-Men were more than happy to do serious pain unto those creeps. But there was just one eensy-weensy problem."

Mondo stepped onto the stage, wearing a green wig on his head.

"This is the problem. Yeah yeah I know but it was the best we could do. Meet Lorna Dane, AKA Polaris! Unfortunately for the X-Men, at the time she was possessed by the psychic Marauder, Malice! Ergo, noone really wanted to hurt her, but she was causing serious problems for the good guys."

Husk and Mondo looked at each other, then Husk ran off stage, Mondo in hot pursuit. "I'll get you, and your little baby too!" Mondo/Lorna yelled.

Jubilee jumped back into conversation as soon as they were out of sight: "A quick update on where exactly everyone is at the moment.... Scott and co, the 'original' X-Men, now going by the name X-Factor, are off planet doing stuff. Storm is also away, off in some other dimension after a failed attempt to regain her powers (which got nullified some time back when some useless Government jerks tried to go after Rogue and missed. What a bunch of maroons). And Magneto is sorta still leading the team, however he's kinda busy teaching the New Mutants, and trying to keep them from getting into trouble and having adventures when he's not looking. Fat chance. Havoc is back on board, cos he wants the teams help in finding Lorna, and Rogue is sporting the most incredible hairdo which seems to involve sticking her fingers into a power socket every morning till you look like the Bride of Frankenstein. And you thought nothing could make that skunk stripe look worse."


"Also on board are Longshot, who came from another dimension, and Alison Blair, the Dazzler. Man, I heard one of her songs on the easy listening channel the other day. Oh yeah, Wolverine and Psylocke are still around too. I think that's everyone. So anyway, the X-Men..."

The audience started laughing as the 'team' filed back onto the stage one by one - this time around the roles were slightly different. Husk was wearing purple filmy off-the-shoulder clothes, and kept presing her hand against her forehead.

"AAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Bobby. "Not more! It hurts, it hurts!"

Husk paused in front of the audience and pressed both hands to her temples. "Captain, I sense pain!" she said melodramatically. Hank and Bobby howled with laughter. Following Husk was Jonathan, once again wearing Havoc's old wire helmety thing. Then Synch walked on in Wolverine costume, followed by Monet as Rogue. Rogue fumed in the audience as the others laughed. Monet was wearing a cheap 'Bride of Frankenstein' wig.

"Grrrr..." Rogue growled. "It was punk. It was fashionable." she glared at Joseph, who was trying hard not to laugh. "Ah wouldn't laugh if Ah were you... bucket-head." She caught sight of Sam laughing, "And Ah saw some of the clunkers you wore too boy!"

"Ahem." Jubilee interrupted. "Before this conversation degenerates..."

"TOO LATE!" everyone yelled.

"Like, I was referring to Rogue's Vanity Fair commentary, ANYWAY, Madeline was in serious trouble. The Marauders had stolen the rugrat, and erased all trace of her existence (except the memories of those who knew her of course) and now they were coming after her."

Artie and Leech walked on the opposite side of the stage.

"Roar!" they yelled (okay, Leech yelled).

"Those are supposed to be the Marauders?" Bobby yelled.

The 'X-Men' grinned amongst themselves and towered menacingly over Artie and Leech, who looked nervous. "I figure as approximations go this is about right." Jubilee replied. "Like those second rate dweebs could cause any serious problems to the X-Men."

Mondo popped up behind the two, still with a green wig on. He scowled at Jubilee.

"Of course having Polaris did give them something of an unfair advantage, and evened out the fight."

The 'X-Men' started looking worried. 'Havoc' stepped forward to plead with 'Polaris', but with a wave of her hand he fell over.

"But ultimately the Marauders were defeated. Storm successfully suckering... Storm?" Jubilee halted and stared at her cue cards. "But she ain't even s'posed to be here yet, and anyway she's got her powers and that shouldn't be till after... or maybe that's another battle... What's next? The destruction of Avalon?! No way -- that's ages after this..."

Jubilee froze and stared intently at the top left of the card. Synch started sweating.

"Alright," Jubilee snarled with menace. "Who shuffled my cue cards?!!!"

"Aaaaahhh!" Synch ran for it, "It was an accident... really!"

"You're gonna die Synch, I spent ages doin' this and..." Jubilee started to run after him and then stopped.

"Okay, I'm hopelessly confused now. But like I said, the X-Men took Maddie with them. Then they had to go quick to help Storm, without powers, but back in this dimension along with Forge, try to defeat this evil entity that had kidnapped them both. This was known as the Fall of the Mutants and, owing to technical difficulties, will be postponed until the next section, right after I kill Everett. Back in ten." The curtain closed hastily as Jubilee dove under it."

"You're a dead man Synch! Dead! That's D-E-A-D! Dead dead dead!!!!"

The audience rolled in the aisles as Synch's screams accelerated.



Continued in Chapter 5.

Next episode: The Fall of the Mutants, life in Australia, and the Inferno...


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