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"A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men"

A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve

Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men

Part Nine

"Aloha!" said Jubilee, walking back on to the stage. "Sorry about the long break but we couldn't find some of the costumes and then Paige spilt make-up all down herself and I tripped over all her husks but we're back now!"

"Yes," said Sean. "And you were just going to tell us about how everyone made it back to the mansion."

"Duh, by walking up the front driveway," said Jubilee, dismissing about five or six issues with an airy wave of her hand. "What's important was that we were all a team again. To recap for those dimwitted enough not to realise who was here, Gambit and the young Storm were back, as were Scott and the old..."

"Original!" chorused all five original X-Men.

"Original X-Men." amended Jubilee. "AKA X-Factor. Jeez, you'd think after forty they wouldn't be so touchy about it."

There was a lot of choking from the old... I mean original team...

"Who is she calling forty?" demanded Bobby.

"*Gack* *hack*," said Jean. *The nerve of that little...*

*Now now dear.*

*Be quiet old man!*

"As well as X-Force, who were freeloading." Jubilee finished.

Monet in black leather, Husk with short blonde hair and a pink t-shirt and jean shorts, and Skin with a mop of long brown hair tromped on stage.

"I can't help but notice that we're short a couple of people." said Jubilee. "We have a Rictor, a Storm and a Boom Boom, but we seem to be missing..."

"Self is incredibly sorry!" yelled Synch, running onstage. "But self has difficulty with these robes!" He spun around, showing off the bright purple robes with silver stars on. His pointed cap bobbed as he waved madly at the audience.

"And now we have Warlock." said Jubilee. "Where's Wolfsbane?"

Synch flicked his arms upright, "Nothing up my sleeves, nothing in my cap... Magical Mutant Mysteries - Appear!" There was yet another puff of coloured smoke and Synch reappeared, holding a soft toy puppy.

"Let's not tell Rahne about this." said Sam to Bobby.


"These five were the first victims of... The Extinction Agenda!" announced Jubilee. The sound of lightning striking filled the room. Everyone glanced at Storm, who shrugged. Strobe lights came on and in the dim light shadowy strands reached out to ensnare Synch, Husk and Monet. Then with a snap the lights came back on. The stage was completely empty.

"Impressive use of lighting," Beast noted.

"Yeah, but the break in the narrative is a little annoying, what happened next?" asked Sean.

"Sean, you were there. You were one of the first on the scene!"


Forestalling an argument, Jubilee reappeared onstage. "Sorry about that, the kidnapper got a little overenthusiastic. Swiftly figuring out that the kidnappers were the Genoshans the three X-teams joined forces and went out to get the guys back. However, who were they to find on the Genoshans team but..."

Synch, wearing a visor, ran on the stage to be stopped as another figure appeared in his way. Skin narrowed his eyes and lowered the gun at Synch. 'Cyclops' stared at Havok's black head piece on Skin.

"Havok?" he asked.

'Havok' smiled. "So long mutie!" He pulled the trigger and a nerf ball sailed at 'Cyclops' head. 'Cyclops' ducked and ran back the way he came with 'Havok' in close pursuit.

"Yes, the Siege Perilous had sent Alex Summers to Genosha to be a magistrate, so that once again he was fighting Scott. Worst case of sibling rivalry I've ever seen." said Jubilee. "Additionally Rahne and Storm had been turned into mutates, and Warlock had been killed. Then half the X-teams got caught and likewise stripped of their powers..."

"But still... none of this could possibly compare with the ultimate revelation!"

"Cameron Hodge." said Beast.

"Who? I'm talking about me showing up and joining the X-Men." said Jubilee.


"You remember. Wolvie, Psylocke and I swing in in the nick of time and save everyone!"

"Oh yes. How could we forget?" said Scott wryly. "It was of course Jubilee who turned the tide and saved the day."

"Damn straight." said Jubilee. "Okay, I'll admit that Storm having been genetically altered so that she could give people their powers back by the Genengineer and Forge setting a bomb and Alex getting his memory back and turning back to the light side of the Force helped, but let's be realistic here!"

"Why start now?" asked Gambit.

"And so I defeated Cameron Hodge." said Jubilee. "All hail me! Hey hey... quit it!"

Bobby and Gambit pelted her with popcorn as the rest of the X-people laughed, then the rest of Generation X likewise began throwing things from the wings.

"Agh! So anyway, however you want to look at it, everyone got their proper powers and ages back and blew everything up real good, including Hodge. Then we all went home to celebrate." Jubilee shouted, arms crossed over her head to protect her from the popcorn.


"Yeowch! No fair kinetically charging the popcorn Gumbo!"

"When do we get to do something?" demanded Synch.

"Funny you should ask, Synch, everyone, get out here."

Generation X, comprising of Synch, Skin, Mondo, Artie, Leech, Franklin, and Monet, dressed as Gambit, Forge, Wolverine, Banshee, Psylocke, Storm, and Jubilee respectively, tromped on stage.

"Why do I have to be Jubilee?" demanded Monet. "This is embarrassing!!!"

"You should be grateful," said Jubilee. "This is your only chance to be cool in this lifetime. This mixed group of X's were out on the main lawn, when suddenly, Lila Cheney, inter-world teleporter and former rock star appeared."

Penance walked onstage and stood with the others.

"And teleported them all off to the Shi'ar Empire."

"What effect are we using for that?" asked Skin.

Jubilee grabbed a lever and pulled, causing a trap door to open up.

"YEAGH!!!" screamed the 'X-Men'.

"Moving right along." said Jubilee.

"While all the fun and games were going on interstellar. Rogue was dealing with her own war in the Savage Land, with the one and only (we think) Magneto, Master of Magnetism!"

The lights dimmed and people moved around on stage. Then the lights came back up.

Jonathan lounged on a chair, wearing the Magneto helmet. He sat there, broodingly.

Then Paige stepped onstage, with brown hair and a white streak... and a green bikini. Jono sat up in a hurry. "Whoah." Paige blushed.

"I can't remember you in that?" Joseph said startled. "There's no justice!"

"Tell me about it," said Gambit.

Rogue whapped both of them over the head. "It wasn't mah fault!" she protested. "There wasn't anythin' else to wear!"

"Added bonus." yelled Bobby.

"Do you want me to hurt you?"

"Ahem," said Jubilee. "Whilst details of the events in the Savage Land are scarce and undetailed."

Rogue tried to look innocent.

"We do know that Rogue had lost her powers, and was rescued from Carol Danvers by Magneto. They then teamed up with Nick Fury, agent of acronym," Jubilee continued. "And defeated Zaladane, who was stealing Magnus' magnetic powers. After defeating her, Magneto again turned his back on goodness and killed her, leaving Rogue to return on her own."

Paige 'hrumphed' and turned her back on Jono, who looked even more depressed.

"And that's what we know happened." said Jubilee. "But what else could have happened? We all know that Rogue's got a soft spot for Magnus, but why? Could this be the answer."

The background music suddenly swelled. Paige threw herself into Jono's arms.

"Oh Magnus, Magnus, whatever shall we do? Whereever shall we go?" she cried. "Please dahling, let us always be together in yoah warm embrace." She leaned in for a kiss.

"It was NOT like that!!!" screeched Rogue.

"Frankly, my dear," said Jono to her. "I don't give a damn." he leant in and quickly kissed Paige. How exactly, I'm not sure, just go with me on this one. Applause broke out amongst cast and audience.

"Go Jono!" said Jubilee. "That wasn't in the script but what the hey!"

"What?" Jono broke the kiss instantly. "Angelo told me that was in the script!"

"Adios amigos," said Skin. He started running. Jono threw 'Rogue' to one side and sprinted after him. "You're a dead man!" he yelled.

"So that's how it played out," said Jubilee.

"IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT!!!" screamed Rogue.

"Methinkest the lady doth protest too much." said Jubilee. "Anyway, Rogue went off to Muir Island, seeking other mutants."


"Uh, Rogue went off to Muir Island... seeking other mutants."

Paige stood in the middle of the stage, a dazed happy expression on her face.

"Hello! Narrator to planet Paige! Yo Paige! Ah geez," Jubilee sighed. "Someone pass me the bucket of ice water!"

"Ack! I'm going, I'm going." Paige quickly exited left.

"Meanwhile, somewhere, in a galaxy far, far away..."

Jubilee moved off the stage as the theme from Star Wars started playing.

Wrapped together in green wool, the 'X-Men' struggled their way onstage. Penance was now dressed as Jubilee, with Monet as Storm, Synch as Wolverine and Mondo as Gambit.

"The X-Men had been trapped by the usurper Deathbird of the Shi'ar!" yelled Jubilee. "Trapped, trapped, TRAPPED MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Penance shrugged and snapped the wool around the X-Men, shredding it into little tiny fragments. Pieces of fluffy green wool filled the air.

"Ah CHOO!" Sam sneezed.

"Well that was brief," said Jubilee. Chasing after Deathbird, the X-Men were joined by the Starjammers..."

A bunch of cardboard cutout Starjammers were placed on stage by Franklin, Artie and Leech. Franklin was wearing a strange helmet on his head.

"And fought against the Imperial Guard!"

The three boys placed cardboard cutouts of the Imperial Guard on the stage. Then the 'X-Men' grabbed the cutouts and began 'doing battle'. 'Storm' grabbed Gladiators cutout, knocked it down and began jumping up and down on it. 'Jubilee' shredded guardsmen and a bunch of humanoid cutout forms with "disposable extras" written on them. Eventually, the battle was won.

"After the X-Men had successfully defeated the Imperial Guard, they discovered that the leader of the Starjammers was none other than..."

Franklin removed his helmet - to display a head covered by a flesh-coloured shower cap.

"Charles Xavier!"

Various members of the audience tried not to laugh.

"Everything was going all fine and dandy and there were victory parties going on and everything and normally we'd finish here..." said Jubilee. "Were it NOT for the fact that these were, in fact, NOT the real Starjammers NOR the real Xavier, but totally EVIL dudes who had taken their shapes and powers."

The paper pictures of the Starjammers were ripped off the cutouts, revealing green, scaly monsters underneath.

"These dudes were probably Skrulls, but this was never formally confirmed or denied." Jubilee continued. "Whatever they were, they put up a pretty good fight!"

Again the 'X-Men' went out to do battle with the cutouts.

"Au revoir mes petites!" shouted Mondo, smashing several of the pieces together. Monet tackled Franklin and tickled him into submission. Penance became the centre of an inferno of cardboard, as was Synch.

"Just a moment, Wolverine and Jubilee were both captured and copied by the enemy!" said Storm.

Penance and Synch stopped fighting and looked at each other. "Oops." said Synch. They attacked Monet and Mondo.

"GAH!" yelled Mondo, as Penance took him down. "No claws! No claws! This is my favourite shirt!"

"But the X-Men were triumphant!" said Jubilee. Mondo struggled against Penance. "HELP!" he yelled. Synch had Mondo in a head lock, "Agk!" she said.

"Hey, hey hey! The X-Men are supposed to be triumphant!" said Jubilee. Monet and Synch's struggling knocked over some remaining cardboard figurines.

"Er, things did not look good for our heroes..." said Jubilee, who looked as though she was getting ready to get into the fight. "When..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Skin sprinted into the room, with Jono in hot pursuit. The two of them jumped onto the stage and smashed through the fighting on the way past. Monet and Synch went sprawling, whilst Penance was knocked off the stage.

Jubilee looked at the mess on stage. "And so the X-Men were triumphant," she repeated. "Yessir, we certainly were." Mondo groaned.

"Ahem, we'll pick up after everyone's recovered." Jubilee announced. There was the sound of a huge smash from backstage. "Back in five!" She ran past the group onstage and in the direction of the noises as the curtain went down. "KNOCK IT OFF YOU GUYS! YOU HAVE TO STAY ALIVE FOR THE NEXT PART!!!"


Continued in Chapter 10.


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