Disclaimer: None of them are mine, they belong to God. And Marvel. I'm not making any profit, and I do not mean to offend them. I just get a bit funny when Jehovah's Witnesses (not that I have anything against them, lovely people really, salt of the earth) anyway, I tend get a bit weirded out when they come up to my gate and insist on explaining how I have to join them or I'll get deaded when God comes back and sees what we've been up to. In order to get over said weirded-out-ness, I wrote my own take on their viewpoint. I realize that I've gotten a lot of it wrong. This is entirely deliberate, including everything.

by Dyce

God created the earth.

And He did this in six days.

Of course, this being God, and there being quite a bit to get done, they were ineffable days, and thus were very long. Millions of years long, by human standards, but there weren't any humans around at the time, so nobody noticed that.

Anyway, on the seventh day, He rested.

And on the eighth day He got up, stretched, scratched His beard a bit, and went to see how things were going.

And He saw that there was war on earth, that the air and water were polluted, that there was famine and sickness and all manner of unpleasantness.

He stared at it for a while. Then He sent for Gabriel, and when the angel arrived, God spoke thusly. "I turn my back for one minute and look what happens! I thought I told you to keep an eye on the damn thing!!"

And Gabriel looked, and saw that there was war on earth, that the air and water were polluted, that there was famine and sickness and all manner of unpleasantness. He turned to God, and answered, "I just went out the back for a quick smoke, O God. I told Michael to keep an eye on it for a couple of millennia."

So Jehovah, He who is God, summoned Michael, and when the angel arrived, spoke thusly, in a rather testy manner. "Michael, Gabriel says he left you in charge of the Earth while he went for a quick smoke out the back. Would you care to explain why it is that there is war on earth, that the air and water are polluted, and that there is famine and sickness and all manner of unpleasantness?"

Michael pulled out his note-slab, and ran his finger down the right margin. "Earth, did you say? Little blue and green planet with rather nice cumulus effects?"

"You like those?" God looked pleased. "They took a long time." Then He remembered that He was annoyed, because His creation was a mess, and scowled. "What went wrong?"

Michael checked his notes. "I've got it down here as a programming fault, O God."

"Programming fault? ME? I designed that planet perfectly!" God insisted.

"Oh, the planet's fine. No problem with the planet. At least, there didn't used to be." Michael tapped the slab. "The problem is with the humans."

God looked blank. "Humans?"

Michael peered at his notes again. "Homo Sapiens. You remember, Lord, the little hairless ones that walk on their hind legs."

"Oh yes, the improvisation on the apes. They're the ones who made all this trouble?" God looked again, and behold, it was indeed a bunch of little hairless apes that had caused all the trouble. "Hmp." Michael cleared his throat politely, an affectation he'd picked up from a collection of humans he'd been investigating in the third century. God scowled again. "Why are you making that Me-awful noise?"

"Just trying to get Your attention, O God. You should probably know that most of them are blaming this on you."

"On Me? Why on Earth--" Silently, Michael fished out a Holy Bible and handed it over. God thumbed through it quickly, His scowl growing fiercer and fiercer. Gabriel winced, and tried to sidle behind Michael. Michael, with the smug self-righteousness that comes with the sure knowledge that someone else is taking the fall for this one, pushed him back into God's line of sight, just as He looked up from the book. God scowled at His errant angel. "Gabriel, when I told you to tell them that if they did not behave with proper respect for My creation I would return and take things in hand Myself?"

"Yes, O God?" Gabriel offered up a slightly sickly smile.

"This is not what I meant."

"Uhm ... well, I may have elaborated a little, O Lord, but ... well, it's the humans, you see. They don't take direction well. It takes a while for things to sink in."

"Apple Of Knowledge? A Garden?"

"A cautionary tale, O Lord. It seemed the best way to impress your importance on them."

"What's this bit about sacrificing their sons?"

"Importance of loyalty. They seem to need these things explained."

"When did I ever speak out of a burning bush!?"

"I threw my voice, O Lord."

"And look at this! Since when do I have a son?!"

"I made it up," Gabriel said wretchedly. "I know it isn't exactly what you had in mind, Lord, but I did my best."

God fumed. "And this bit! I don't have anything AGAINST witches, they're usually quite respectable people with cleanly personal habits..."

"I didn't put that in," Gabriel defended himself hastily. "That was a human that did that bit."

"Hmp. WHAT?!"

"Ah. You've seen the bit about you being the only Lord God, O God?" Michael smirked. "I told him not to put that part in."

"I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE, I'M JUST THE MOST IMPORTANT!!!"

"They misunderstood!" Gabriel whimpered, covering his head with his wings. "And I TOLD them not to do that converting-the-heathens thing but they're so bloody stubborn once they get an idea into their heads ..."

Michael finally took pity on his brother angel, and intervened. "Do you recall Lucifer, O Lord?"

"Lucifer ... Lucifer ... Oh yes. The one who didn't take direction well. No, the ineffable plan wasn't good enough, he had to do the mountains HIS way!" God's eyebrows lowered. "Whatever happened to him?"

"He jumped off onto the Earth and he's been down there playing Ultimate Adversary for ages. He's the one who's been playing this Bible thing up." Michael cleared his throat again. "He claims you pushed him, Lord."

"Typical." God sniffed. "Well, there's no help for it. I'm going to have to clear the whole mess off and start over. What a waste."

"Uhm ... Lord? Before you do anything rash, there's something I think you should see." Michael pulled out a second note-slab, and handed it over. God scanned it quickly, then

read through it again more carefully.

"Interesting," He said thoughtfully. "Spontaneous single generation mutation, hm?"

"Yes, O God. Very interesting, I thought."

"It is." God's scowl faded into a thoughtful look. "This Magneto chap might cause a bit of trouble, though. Setting a bit of a bad example, isn't he?"

"I prefer to think of it as providing an alternate viewpoint, O Lord. Always important."

"True ...were you planning on interfering at any point, Michael?"

"I thought it would be best to let them sort things out themselves, sir. Learning experience, you know," Michael explained. "They do, if you leave them for long enough. Learn, I mean."

"I'll have to take your word for that." God looked down at the Earth, then back at the slab in His hand. "Think those ones in bright costumes can handle him?"

"The X-Men, O Lord? They always have before. I have high hopes for that particular group. Lots of potential," Michael said approvingly. "Slight tendency towards heathenism, but we can work with that."

"Given the alternative, I don't blame them. Still, a little show of divine support wouldn't hurt, would it? Maybe smiting an enemy or something?"

"I doubt anyone would believe it, O God, but go ahead if You want to." Michael leaned over to point at a particular name. "This particular fellow's been doing a lot of damage. Rioting, casual murders, a lot of property damage ..."

"Right. I'll smite him, then. That'll teach them." God rubbed His hands together, squinting down at the Earth. "That him up in front of the crowd?"

"That's him, O God. I suggest You hurry, though. There are several snipers taking aim as I speak."

One second later, Graydon Creed spontaneously combusted as a sign of God's displeasure. As usual, humanity completely misinterpreted the event.

Nevertheless, despite the fact that there was war on earth, that the air and water were polluted, that there was famine and sickness and all manner of unpleasantness, God decided to let things play out, and left Michael in charge, for, verily, he did not smoke, and would not turn his back on the Earth. Gabriel wisely chose not to argue the point, lest God should ask about the other world that had been left in Gabriel's care while God was resting. And Michael came to him, and did ask of him whether God knew of what had been done on the other world that had been left in Gabriel's care while God was resting, and he asked thusly:

"Gabe? Did you tell him about that whole Shi'Ar Sharra and Kythri religion thing?"

"Shutupshutupshutup!!"

The End

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