Disclaimer: Marvel owns the X-men, George Lucas
owns the Star Wars trilogy, and Mel Brooks owns himself and his movies.
I simply own this conversation.
"What? You have got to be joking!" Bobby Drake exclaimed. "You can't possibly think -— Warren!!!"
"It is." Warren Worthington the III replied stubbornly.
"No. I'm sorry." Bobby shook his head. "You are so completely wrong."
"I'm right and you know it." Warren replied childishly. "'Robin Hood: Men in Tights' is the best Mel Brooks film in existence."
Bobby folded his arms over his chest. "Nope. Sorry buddy. It's 'Spaceballs.' No other choice."
"Spaceballs was good. I'll give you that." Warren conceded. "But 'Robin Hood' was a much better film."
Bobby gaped at Warren. "How can you possibly believe that?"
"The mocking of Kevin Costner for starters." Warren explained. "What could possibly top the blatant 'Unlike some other Robin's I can speak with an English accent'?"
"You're right. That part was great." Bobby allowed. "But what about Yogurt? Yogurt is far superior to Kevin mocking."
Warren gaped. "What about Blinkin'? Blinkin' was great! And Patrick Stewart as King Richard? Classic I'm telling you!"
"Hah!" Bobby exclaimed loudly. "What about Lord Helmet? Eh? Rick Moranis's best role ever! The desert hat? The 'going to plaid' kicked ass!"
"The stick fight in the river!" Warren countered. "The metal glove challenge! Will Scarlett-Ohara!"
Bobby came back with "the stunt doubles! The alien diner scene! The bleeps, creeps, and sweeps!"
Warren, slightly daunted by the bleeps, creeps, and sweeps, replied with even more vehemence. "The singing! The goodbye in ten different languages! The chick from 'A League of Their Own'!"
"She was good." Bobby agreed thoughtfully.
"Yeah. Damn funny." Warren nodded.
Shaking his head Bobby snapped out of "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" admiration. "Lord Helmet's dolls! The Schwartz! The Princess Leia headphones!"
"Robin Hood: Men in Tights!" Warren finally resorted to shouting.
"Spaceballs!" Bobby shouted back in kind.
"History of the World: Part 1," Scott Summers, standing in the doorway, interjected.
"What?" Bobby and Warren looked away from each other and up to their fearless leader.
Scott, a little insulted by their obvious disbelief, defended his choice. "Oh come on. The Inquisition song with the synchronized swimming nuns? The Fifteen Commandments? Great movie." Scott smiled wistfully.
Bobby, a hint of skepticism still on his face was moved to reply. "It was pretty good. But not as good as 'Spaceballs'."
"Or Robin Hood: Men in Tights." Warren agreed.
"Or 'Young Frankenstein'." Hank McCoy added, coming up behind Scott. He'd heard the shouting all the way down from his lab and had decided to come up and set the kids right on which Mel Brooks movie was really the funniest one.
Bobby rolled his eyes. "Geez Hank. The only reason it's your favorite is because Frank's a scientist."
"Not true, my heat challenged friend." Hank wagged a blue furred finger at his best friend. "The Igor part? Franken-schtein? It's a great movie."
"What do you think Jean?" Scott turned to his wife Jean Grey-Summers.
"Yeah Jean!" Bobby seconded. "You choose the best one. We'll agree with your decision!" Hank and Warren nodded in agreement.
Jean'd been sitting in the recliner in the corner of the room the whole time. She'd been trying valiantly to ignore the conversation from the very beginning, concentrating instead on the mystery novel she'd started only a short while ago. With a sigh she set the novel down on the table and turned to face the four men she'd grown up with. Who, obviously, hadn't grown up at all. She thought over each defense and each movie. Finally, after an appropriate amount of silence, given the severity of the subject, she came to a decision. "Spaceballs."
"YES!" Bobby hopped into the air with a hoot of triumph.
"Why?" Came Warren's whiny cry.
Jean sighed deeply and gave the book up for a loss. "Oh I admit I had trouble choosing. 'Robin Hood: Men in Tights' did have Robin and Will. Great eye candy. 'History of the World: Part 1' had the excellent Old Testament jokes. 'Young Frankenstein' had Gene Wilder. But the Star Wars references made 'Spaceballs the winner."
"'Star Wars' is the pinnacle of film-making." Hank conceded.
"The first trilogy at least." Scott smirked.
"Hey!" Bobby, one of those avid 'Star Wars' fans that felt the need to even defend 'the Phantom Menace', cut in. "'Episode One' wasn't that bad! Well...okay maybe it was."
"A New Hope' was the best movie." Warren reminisced. "The Death Star? The garbage chute? I love that film."
"The Empire Strikes Back' is better." Bobby informed him.
"What?!?!" Warren gaped openly at Bobby.
"It is." Scott defended. "Empire's' a much better film."
Hank arched an eyebrow. "Oh I don't know. I'm more partial to the original myself."
Warren shook his head in disbelief. "How can you people think that 'Empire' is better? It's dark and depressing!"
"Han gets put in carbonite!" Jean interjected her eyes wide with remembered pain. "The trauma!"
"Exactly!" Hank and Warren shouted in unison.
"Oh come on!" Bobby's voice dripped with disbelief. "It's not like we don't know that he lives! 'Empire' is the best one. The dialogue is great. The whole nerfherder fight. We're talking about the definitive insult here."
"Not to mention Yoda!" Scott shook his head at Hank and Warren. "How could you guys pick the one without Yoda as the best?"
Bobby nodded at Scott's wise comment. "Too true."
"There's also the superior acting. Mark Hamill was excellent." Scott felt himself get caught up in the defense of is favorite movie. "The Han-Leia goodbye scene? Beautiful film-making! And the revelation! Darth Vader being Luke's father. It simply is the best film in existence."
"No way!" Warren scoffed. "Star Wars' has got major Ben Kenobi. And Ben is the only thing that saved 'Phantom Menace.' Not to mention the R2-3PO interaction!"
"And the explanation of the force in the falcon." Hank added excitedly, reliving the film in his mind. "Not to mention the first time you see a lightsaber! Nothing beats the original!"
"See now I always like 'Return of the Jedi' myself." Jean said thoughtfully.
There was an abrupt period of silence while the men digested what Jean had just said.
"Jedi?" Bobby finally squeaked out.
"Return of the Jedi' is your favorite?" Warren sounded like he was in shock.
"That's simply not possible." Hank breathed out.
"Oh Jean." Came Scott's inconsolable groan.
"What?" Jean didn't understand. "It's a great movie!"
"Nobody's denying that!" Bobby said quickly. "It's just that 'Jedi is so…"
"Cute." Hank explained.
"And cheesy." Warren added.
"With far too much Lando." Scott shuddered.
"I like Lando." Jean said in a quiet sad voice.
"And the emperor." Warren also shuddered. "There's far far far too much of him."
"He was creepy." Bobby shuddered along with them.
"Not that there weren't good parts." Hank offered.
"The slave bikini." Warren gave a guttural growl. There was a collective male sigh of appreciation. Jean frowned.
"The speeder bike chase was neat." Scott tried quickly to appease his wife.
"I liked the Tatooine battle." Bobby tried.
"What about the Darth/Luke face-off?" Jean looked at each of them in disbelief. "That's one of the best parts!"
"But it's not nearly as chilling as the one in 'Empire'." Warren explained.
"But that way that Darth said 'sister' was so creepy!" Jean argued.
"True." Hank tried to soothe the redhead.
"But the one in 'The Empire Strikes Back' is still better." Scott explained. "No emperor influence, no happy ending, and the way that Darth revealed himself."
"Oh please!" Jean exclaimed. "Luke cried in that!"
"Did not!" Bobby shouted. "He was just upset.
"You'd be upset if Darth Vader told you he was your father!" Warren chimed in defensively.
"I'd be expecting it!" Jean replied. "I mean look at who I'm married to. I have first hand knowledge that these things do happen!"
"Point." Bobby smiled.
"Hey!" Scott pouted.
"Not that any of this matters." Hanks broke in. "There is one thing that undeniably forces 'Jedi' to be the worst film in the trilogy."
"The Ewoks." Scott looked triumphant.
"I like the Ewoks" Jean defended quickly. "They're my favorite part!"
"She's hopeless." Bobby declared.
"Definitely a force of the dark side." Warren grimaced in Jean's direction.
"I'm horrified." Hank gasped.
"Oh Jean." Scott once again looked aghast.
"What?" Jean looked thoroughly confused.
"You like the Ewoks." Bobby said accusingly. "That's nearly as sick as saying that you like Jar-Jar."
"No one over ten could like Jar-Jar." Jean replied.
A smile broke out on Hank's face. "We might be able to save you yet!"
"But in order to do that we're going to have to have a movie marathon." Bobby said wisely. "We'll show her all three in a row and then she'll know that she's wrong. She'll see the error of her ways."
"She'll have to." Warren agreed. "There's no way you can watch all three and not dislike half of 'Jedi.'"
"So who's gonna raid the fridge?" Bobby prompted.
"Bobby!" Hank, Warren, Scott, and Jean all cried in unison.
Bobby looked at all of his friends. Scott and Jean were settling in on the couch, Warren was hunting for the videos, while Hank was exercising his genius intellect into figuring out how exactly the VCR worked. "You people suck." And Bobby went off in search of snacks. And he wasn't going to share. Not even if they begged.