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The Comics Code
Field Trip to Mississippi
Marvel Writers & Artists
Origami Rogue

My X-Men #81 Rant
UXM #359: It Takes a Mother's Touch
The Original Script of Uncanny X-Men #359

Rogue Defined
Rogue's Hair
X-Men as Morality Play

The Fan-Fic Drinking Game
Pros and Cons of Marrying an X-Man
Things We'd Like to See in X-Men
Top 10 Reasons Not to Marry an X-Man
What I Learned from Reading the X-Books
Top 15 Signs You Read Too Many Comic Books
You Know You Read/Write Too Much Fan-Fiction When...

The Invitation

Things We'd Like to See in X-Men

1) Magneto meets the X-Men and, embarassed, asks them if they could loan him a cup of sugar.

2) The X-Men encounter a new mutant whose only power is to conjure up spitballs out of thin air.

3) An evil mutant shows up at the X-Mansion and threatens the team for all of five seconds before Wolverine sneaks up behind him and stabs him through both lungs before anyone else raises a finger.

4) The X-Men fight a mortal enemy to a standstill, but Xavier is able to enter his mind and stop the conflict by patiently explaining that his aggresive tendencies are a result of his being ostracized by his peers as a child.

5) The Beast uses standard English to explain why the computers aren't working.

6) Nightcrawler goes through an entire issue without once saying "Ach."

7) When the X-Men battle Magneto, Colossus saves the day by actually staying in human form long enough to sucker-punch Magneto into next week.

8) Jubilee talks to another character without saying "like" even once.

9) Shadowcat phases through a computer, only to discover that the surge protectors prevented her from doing any damage.

10) A villain ambushes the X-Men and shoots both Cyclops and Storm through the spleen before anyone can react, causing the rest of the X-Men to scatter like so many mindless ants.

11) A villain is thoroughly defeated after a long, drawn-out battle, and we get to see the body as proof that he's dead for good.

12) Cable runs out of ammo.

13) M encounters a new enemy and is forced to admit to her teammates, "I've never heard of this guy before in my life."

14) Nightcrawler sprains an ankle performing a jump and is forced to sit idly by for the rest of the battle.

15) Logan sits down with Xavier to "talk about something that's been bothering me for a while."

16) A villain activates a power-dampening field, rendering all the X-Men helpless, only to discover that he's affected by it as well.

17) Gambit throws a charged-up card, but misses due to an unfortunate gust of wind.

18) Psylocke refuses to don her standard costume, complaining that "It's that time of the month again."

19) Cyclops decides on a whim to go into battle wearing grunge fashions.

20) Strong Guy puts on a new costume and rips a seam.

21) Domino trips.

22) Mystique gives up her criminal career and decides to turn her powers for profit as a Hollywood stand-in.

23) A villain complains to the X-Men about mutants' being treated as scum by human society, and someone stops fighting and says, "Now hang on, that's a good point...."

24) Someone recognizes Storm's white hair in public and fingers her as "that mutant I've seen on TV before!"

25) Anyone spots the X-Men and wonders why they're not still dead after the fracas in Dallas.

26) Havok runs out of juice.

27) Someone loses a contact lens halfway through a fight, and everyone has to stop to help him find it again.

28) Anyone, anywhere in a battle decides to shoot first and leave the witty comments for the coffee table discussions afterward.

29) Rogue tags a villain and is able to use her power to successfully knock them out long enough for him to be carted off to prison again.

30) Cyclops blasts two enemies at once by looking at them cross-eyed.

31) Forge claims he hasn't the slightest idea how something works.

32) An evil mutant shows up at the mansion who is significantly less powerful than everyone he meets there.

33) A villain has the X-Men dead to rights and decides to kill them while he has the chance.

34) The X-Men get sent into the future only to find upon their arrival that everyone there is getting along just fine with each other.

35) Jean refuses to get into her costume, claiming it makes her "look too fat."

36) Wolfsbane gets enraged, announces that she's going to tear the villain-du-jour's heart out, and the rest of the team decide to let her.

37) Polaris decides to become a conservative brunette.

38) Xavier has to close the mansion and kick the X-Men all out onto the streets, insisting that "I'm flat broke, we've got to sell the place."

39) The X-Men approach a new mutant for membership, explaining what she is, and she calmly responds, "Really? I hadn't noticed." (Could this be Dr. Cecelia Reyes, perhaps?)

40) The most powerful menace the X-Men have ever faced turns out to be a baby who destroys half a block everytime it cries.

41) Wolverine encounters a new enemy in his own book whom he hasn't ever met before.

42) Someone points out that whevever Shadowcat walks through a wall or the floor, the fuse box in the basement explodes.

43) A past villain shows up and begs for help or protection from the team, and they respond, "After the way you wrecked the back yard last year!?"

44) Husk in the morning: "Let's see, what to wear today? *SHRIPPP* Nah, too summery... *SHRIPPP* No, not my color... *SHRIPPP* Ah, no, that's what M had on yesterday...."

45) Xavier senses someone's upset or under stress, and decides to respect their privacy and keep his PhD-enhanced mouth shut.

46) Amanda Sefton's rejected from membership in the X-books on account that, not only is she not a mutant, but her code name's the worst thing anyone's heard since "X-Posse."

47) A major war involving the Shi'ar, Kree, Skrulls, and at least half a dozen other interstellar powers breaks out, and no one on Earth notices or gets involved.

48) Banshee gets caught humming Crash Test Dummies in the shower when the infrasonics vibrate the roof into splinters.

49) TAS: Storm foregoes the dramatics and simply announces, "Let's freeze-dry the putz."

50) Exodus realizes he can fry the X-Mansion from the ionosphere anytime he wanted.

51) Beast investigates a new mutant spotted by Cerebro, thinks for a second, then comments "Nah, we've got one of those," and hits the 'Delete' key.

52) Logan gets a nosebleed.

53) Psylocke attacks an enemy with what is only identified by the editor as "her funny pink knife-thingy."

54) Penance tries to figure out why everyone else at the dinner table is wasting their time with the forks.

55) Someone on the teams takes a vacation halfway around the world for two weeks, and never experiences anything more eventful than a back rub the whole time.

56) A new hero appears in the books who, after extensive genetic testing and cross-temporal explorations, is finally determined to be no relation to Scott Summers whatsoever.

57) The Dark Riders, in the middle of their "survival of the fittest" campaign, sit down for a few minutes and ponder the fact that Gauntlet hasn't ever led them in a successful campaign against the X-teams.

58) Two words: Cerebus crossover.

59) The Blackbirds are both down for repair, and the X-Men have to rely on a borrowed Cessna for a few issues.

60) The X-Men have the foresight to bring a power-dampening field with them to battle and beat the villain senseless before he realizes what's going on.

61) Gambit's coat gets caught on a nail in the enemy fortress long enough to get himself blasted into orbit by the bad guy.

62) Two villains get involved in attacking each other, and the X-Men wait on the sidelines betting on the outcome.

1998 additions to the list...

63. Cecelia Reyes is denied caffine while on a mission. She's invulnerable, and going through withdrawal. And you thought that Wolverine had violent tendencies.

64. Marrow goes through her "Sailor Moon" phase, complete with costume, and ribbions tied around the bones.

65. The secret lair of Eenie and Meanie. Complete with Big Screen TV, and Full Satelite hook up. I mean, it's not like anyone is using the Reavers base.

66. The Squirts Saga: After getting his metal back in his system, Logan's healing factor is screwed up again, just in time for the flu season.

67. Seeing their cousin on television, the redneck brothers go to rescue him from the evil grasp of the X-Men, but does Sam Guthrie want to go? This reveiling chapter of the X-Men opens up new angsting possibilities as Rogue, Remy and Sam are all reveiled to be cousins... to Scott Summers!!!

68. The Magno-Clone Saga. Nuff said... Chilling!

69. Theories of Relativity: In the aftermath of the Redneck Storyline, The X-Men are drawn into the strangest, but most likely, storyline they have ever faced. Going back to the days of WWII, it is shown exactly why the X-Men have considered themselves a family... 'cause they are!!! Reintroducing Professor Xaiver into the X-Men, this story will cause major upset for the group, as Scott and Jean are forced to divorce, when Xaiver reveals they're cousins!!! Eugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

70. Magneto and Joe accidentally touching and being violently recombined into the real Magneto.

71. Nate and Cable accidentally touching and being destroyed in a violent matter/antimatter explosion.

72. Just being mean, Marrow deflates Franklin's ball.

73. Quicksilver pulls the "Lockjaw is really a deformed Inhuman" joke again.

74. Reyes discovers chocolate-covered coffee beans and adds a bag of them to her utility belt for emergencies.

75. Douglock remembers the Legacy cure and tells it to Moira. He then dies.

76. Shard realizes that she's not good enough to carry X-factor as a viable title, so she dies.

77. Iceman is killed in "The Plow Saga."

78. Dazzler teleports on a beam of light back to earth.

79. Joseph is actually Magneto's daughter who was never really killed!

80. Erik Lensherr is actually the father of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch, not Magneto. Their names are now Pietro and Wanda Frank-Maximoff-Lensherr.

81. Jubilee uses Professor X's head to see the new Summers' child coming from the future!

82. The Immigration and Naturalization Services team up with Bastion and secretly begin to deport all of the mutants in the United States to Albania under the pretense that they are illegal immigrants. Ha ha! No more friggin' muties!!! It'll be called the "Green Card Saga". It takes the X-men four months to get back in the US.

83. All those crazy militias in the middle of the United States are united under Apocalypse, they go hunt down anyone who has the last name Summers and then go try take down the government.

84. Charlie starts to talk to imaginary friends Bart, Lisa, Homer, Marge and Maggie. He's in his wheelchair, babbling to himself the rest of the time.

85. Mags occasionaly shows up at the mansion and makes fun at the X-Men for being so poor and messed up. (Of course he hasnt' been to successfull).

86. No one has really died from the Legacy Virus, they all just appear to be dead. All those buried mutants then come back, join together and form a group called the Zombie Mutants. Start attacking everyone cause they're angry for being buried alive.

87. We learn that Lobdell's run was all a dream of Xavier's (a la Dallas).

88. Magik comes back and scares the hell out of Marrow bY zapping her to Limbo for a few hours.

89. We learn that all the X-Men are really Summers children and Xavier is really Sinister.

90. ONSLAUGHT ON ICE - Wolverine and his blades. 'Nuff said.

91. Xavier gets a new cloned body. He still can't walk, but man, what a head of hair!

92. The baseball game. Bases loaded. Beast at bat. Storm is catching. A hit. Marrow slides into home. It's close! And as the dust clears... She's out! But wait. That's not a ball in Storm's glove--it's a heart! Eeeeew...

93. Maggott reveals himself to be a force-grown clone from the DNA of Pee-Wee Herman, Hulk Hogan, and Gilbert Gottfried, sent by the Impossible Man for the sole purpose of annoying the living hell out of the X-Men.

94. Gabrielle Haller, after McDonald's establishes a new franchise in downtown Jerusalem, decides to marry Mayor McCheese, seeing as they're both heavily involved in politics.

95. Nate Grey finds his true calling and joins a Village People revival. He demands to play the "Indian."

96. Sam enters a Hanson lookalike contest and wins "Best of Show." The other X-Men kick his sorry ass soundly. For whatever reason, Tabitha remains strangely impressed.

97. Magneto decides to use his power for true evil, playing, on everybody he meets, the fun practical joke of magnetizing spare change to the pavement and cackling as passersby try to retrieve it.

98. Meggan suddenly leaves Brian and runs off to marry Jeff Gordon, just so she can drive once in a while. Brian suddenly shows up at the next WInston Cup, royally pissed, and causes a twenty-car pileup.

99. Dazzler comes back from the Mojoverse, only to shock everyone (well, maybe not so much) by joining the Spice Girls. Her name? It's a toss-up: Lousy-taste-in-men Spice or Stupid Spice. ;)

100. Pete Wisdom spontaneously combusts.

101. Marvel publicly states that the only reason that Ben Raab has/had a job is because he was blackmailing a high Marvel official over pictures of him with a cheerleader.

102. Kurt, Kitty and Piotr rejoin the X-Men.

103. Chris Claremont comes out of his delusions about writing Fantastic Four and returns to the X-Men.

104. AoA characters and future characters simply disappear.

105. Maggot turns green and starts speaking in a French accent, then from then on change nationality and color, ie Australian to South African.

106. Monet St. Croix is discovered to actually exist, except she is now living at a nudist resort in France and wants nothing to do with 'X' people of any sort.

107. Banshee is found to be an agent for MI-6 assigned to keeping Gen-X out of trouble. When Bastion and OZT threaten again, he calls in 007, who promptly puts an end to OZT, Simon Trask, and anti-mutant fanaticism in the US once and for all...

108. Nate Grey suddenly comes to the realization that the only reason he exists is to secure the "X-Man" trademark for Marvel, swears, and disappears, retconning his entire post-AoA life completely and utterly out of existence. Die, die, die, DIE!

109. Doug and Warlock join the team, that stupid twerp thief kid gets run over by a rogue bulldozer, the kids actually focus on SCHOOL again, and the book is renamed New Mutants...oh, and Hama leaves the book.

110. Massachusetts Academy is selected as the next MTV's Real World, and Skin gains mass popularity as the new "Puck".

111. Maverick dies of the Legacy Virus. And stays dead.

112. Cable discovers he is no longer in the normal X-Universe, and can never come back. He's now in his own pocket universe.

113. Marrow goes punk and pierces some of her bones, and dyes some of the others random, bright colors. She also gets a Dead Kennedys patch permanently embedded in her back.

114. Maggot is somehow seperated from those annoying slugs and is kept around as comic relief.

115. Howard Mackie is sucked into the Marvel Universe and revealed as the man behind the dark future of Bishop, Shard, and the XUE. Bishop being off mating with Deathbird (I'd LOVE to see those kids...), Shard and her XUE pals beat the bejeebies out of Mackie, and no longer exist. X-Factor is put on hiatus for a year to mourn the horrible tragedy that was Mackie.

116. Pete Wisdom is fired from Excalibur and takes up a job slicing butter. (c'mon! Hot knives? Butter? Get it?)

117. As a result of various and sundry strange things done to his head, Juggernaught decides that he is actually a 17 year old ballerina. A 4 issue limited series, "Juggernaught At The Met", is released, and much silliness ensues.

118. The following characters, in addition to those already mentioned, die:

  • Blink (upon somehow being resurrected, she dies again)
  • Jean Grey (and she stays dead. After she gives birth to Rachel, though. This'll take place late in the year)
  • Bastion. Twice.
  • Rob Liefeld.
  • Storm, just for kicks. Though she is resurrected a few years later as "Meteorological Woman," the embodiment of bad weather. And then she dies again.


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