The Top 15 Signs
You Read Too Many Comic Books
15> More than a little disappointed you didn't
get invited to Superman's wedding.
14> Keep memorizing words like "SSPPLLAATT",
"KAPOW", and "BLAMMMMO" for school spelling
13> Your resume lists your last three jobs as Defender
of the Galaxy, Sidekick to Defender of the Galaxy, and Assistant
Manager of Inter-Galactic 7-11.
12> You shout "Curses! Foiled again"
when they forget the catsup at the drive-through.
11> You whack your boss over the head with a hammer
and are surprised when his skull doesn't pop back into shape.
10> Despite repeated attempts to stop speeding
cars with your bare hands, neighbors still think you're just
a suicidal lunatic.
9> At age 43, you set the regional subscription
record for Grit Magazine.
8> Your compulsive self-narrative renders you too
transparent for a career in real estate or car repair.
7> You're the only one wearing a cape at step aerobics.
6> "Holy 40-year-old virgin, Batman!"
5> Wife is getting tired of you introducing her
as "My trusty sidekick."
4> Most of your sick days are due to "the
effects of the earth's yellow sun."
3> Refusing to admit you're drunk, you vow revenge
on the evil "Flaccidus" for your inability to "perform."
2> Your secret identity keeps drinking all the
and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Read Too Many Comic Books...
1> Your attempts at becoming "Danger Cloud"
are proving hard on the underwear.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis,
[ The Top Five List firstname.lastname@example.org
And the runner-ups were...
You call Tiffany's to see if Superman and Lois Lane are registered
Your basement's full of Sea Monkeys, X-Ray Specs, and Joy
Know damn well your friend's $3725 Superman #3 isn't worth
anything more than $3665.
Comic store calls to check on you when you fail to show on
"new stock" day.
You can actually "Draw Winky" the Turtle.
Sales manager politely asks you to refrain from referring
to the CEO as "The Unholy One" in interoffice correspondence.
"Get lost, mutant!" doesn't sound like a rejection
You can't understand why your wife's measurements aren't
Everytime you change a lightbulb you get an idea.
You insist co-workers refer to you as CAPTAIN Ted.
You come up with an elaborate plan to kidnap Richie Rich.
Your primary mode of transportation is a vacuum cleaner engine-powered
You discover how unattractive speedos over skin tight lycra
really is on a couch potato.
You rationalize your pimples as just part of the printing
You really thought "Flame On" would work more than
You defensively shout, "They're called Graphic Novels,
Keep getting arrested when your Cloak of Invisibility malfunctions
right in the middle of a crime.
Otherwise positive employee review questions your choice
of tights and a cape for casual Fridays.
Instead of calling 911, you call directory assistance to
find the number of the Justice League.
Contstantly referring to your boss as your "arch-nemesis,
Tiny Paycheck Man."
You name your newborn "Betty Veronica."
Even marathon sessions of American Gladiators and WWF leave
you feeling malcontent.
Keep memorizing words like 'FAAAAAADOOOOOOOOOOM' for school
You thought Lori Petty's movie portrayal of Tank Girl was
facile and lacked integrity.
Spend all your free time in boxing arenas screaming "SPLAT!"
"KAPOW!" "BLAMMO!" etc.
Your doctoral thesis: An analysis of everything they screwed
up in the Batman movies.
Cannot enter the front door of your house without thinking,
"Meanwhile, back at..."
Surpised to learn women don't have antigrav breasts.
Dogs, schmogs. Sea Monkeys are a man's best friend.
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